Near Death Experiences
This is a humor post from one of my friends on the message board that I belong to. It's quite fitting and I know when you look up your sun sign and read it, you'll laugh. :)
ARIES: " Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"
TAURUS: Leaving the body,Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seening tunnels,light,God,etc, Making Taurus Skeptical for the rest of his or her life
GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience in itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (Or writing about it) Sinces Geminis are comfortable in all worlds,except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly --- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.
CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to have a near death experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies"
LEO : " Noooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not....Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing...? They're off key. I can sing better than that? Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless It's Rolling Stone or Spin , hold my calls."
VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible inprovements......but soon becomes so worried by the thoughts of her love ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into her body like white lightning, sits up and calmly pronounces herself alive, glacing at her watch
LIBRA: Floating out of the body,then in, then out, then in and finally out again.... Libra sees a tunnel and vibrant being of light at the other end. "WOW, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear.'' Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends back into the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls
SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barley get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favourite vampire, and Medusa isa strong contender
SAGITTATARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refues to return to the body, since she has been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumpsy accidents) because sag is immensely curious about whether that the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some aaaaamazing lessons, until, alas the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration
CAPRICORN: It might take Capicorn a liitle while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like excututive offices for newly dead goats. A sharp looking, older gentleman-ghost comes and gives cap and instructional manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the life time, followed by a pink slip (meaning body revived). Cap tends to return to their body quickly, unable to to tolerate non- physical existence for long.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, see that heaven isn't run by consensus , and opts for hell, where at last there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near death experience tend to be extremely traditional, ie God the father, St Peter,the celestial choir and so on,(another reason to rebel and opt for hell) Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.
PISCES: For some reason,our Piscean friend barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seening beings with long suffering expressions on their faces and who apparently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.