(no subject)

[oceanavenue86]

this morning, i woke up to the sweetest voice i've ever known. i witnessed the sun in the sky and i saw the trees sway as if they were doing it all together again. there isn't a day that goes by that i dont wish that i could go back. Travel back to the first time I did something wrong. I was born into a world of unforgiving people. Into a world of starving dogs just waiting to tear me and my heart apart. At the age of 5, I almost felt the bottom of the pacific ocean. Going under water and not being able to break free of the death grip it had on my lungs. my body. and my legs unable to kick, my arms unable to push and my poor limp body being thrown around like a rag doll between wave currents. Feeling someones strong arms pull me from the grip, pull me to my oxygen, pull me away from the only fate i knew, was the only hope i had. Being thrown onto the hard, sand covered ground and having my mothers sister hold me until i fell asleep. At the age of 12, i lost the only love i had for anyone. she walked through the barrier of life and death and in that instant, 39 years of hard work. whole hearted playing and sweet whispers gone in the flick of a switch. i remember lying in bed for four days straight. nothing in my stomach but un cried tears and if i got rid of them, then i had nothing at all to survive on. being 12 years old and losing the motherly love you've had since the beginning of yourself, it's the most painful love to lose. it's the hardest thing to recover from and when i finally learned to let go, i would only again. with self pity over flowing. and my father drowning in his own sorrows. No brother to play with. No Dad to talk to. No mother to guide me. No family to fall back on. Only cold sheets and that same old ceiling to stare at with the same thoughts running through my head. At the age of 16, I said an informal goodbye to my best friend of 12 years. He left me with a whole world of us. so many plans for both of us. the same college. the same girlfriend, just switched off a couple of times. the same memories to last us a lifetime. getting my drivers license wasn't a good day because that was a day i wanted to share with him. falling in love for the first time wasn't a good thing because that was something i was supposed to share with him. and graduating highschool wasn't the same because that was the day we were supposed to start the rest of our lives..in the undistinguished bond we had had with each other since the age of four. the docks were never the same after he left and i never wanted to see another adam sandler movie for as long as i lived. he left that in my hands..to persue. he left that for me to make my own. and i'll never forget what he did for me. At the age of 17, i spent 30 days in room with a meth addict. I spilled my guts in so many ways, and I fell in love for the last time. I learned that I had to let go of past complications. I learned that I had so much of a life to live and with that I changed for good. I saw myself with a big family. I saw myself with a well paid job and i saw myself enjoying the only life i had. the one life that God gave me. The one thing that i knew i could call my own. When i fell in love, I found the girl that would make my dreams happen. I found the girl that would love my soul before she loved my big brown eyes and my stupid smile. i found the girl who no matter what, would stick by me. who would cry with me when i was sad and would laugh with me when i was happy. i found the girl who i would hurt for when she hurt. who i would give my life for if hers counted on it. i would bring the moon to her if she wanted it. i would give my breath to her if she was short of it. i would give up the remote just so she could cry to some old movie. i would let her hog all of the covers and i wouldn't complain the next morning. i will never lie to her again. i will never hold anything back and I will never risk losing the only thing I can't live without. so this morning, i woke up to the sweetest voice i've ever known, i woke up to the love of my life. i will never say goodbye to her because i will watch the fireworks with her. i owe her a dance and i will surprise her with a lifetime of love. of fellowship. and of happiness.
my life isn't a waste, as i've thought it was before. it isn't a horrible thing to live and i wouldn't trade it for the world. i wish i could go back and change a lot of things. i wish that i wouldn't lie to the ones i love and i wish that when she cries, she will look at the sun shine shining down and know that that's me. the rays creating the shadows under her feet.
i'll never give up on it. i'll always hold onto her. i'll never forget him. and i'll always love her. for making me who i am now.