"coming down is the hardest thing"
this is the latest i've stayed up this summer. i just can't sleep at all. and i don't really want to.
my dad just got up and is walking around upstairs.
if this was last summer, i would write a nice little entry that would sort out these thoughts in my head. like this entry.
but it's this summer, and livejournal doesn't really serve that useful a purpose anymore. for me at least. i don't really know how it happened, but nothing is really profound anymore. maybe this is the "waiting" period. it obviously is. with college coming in the very near future. and the new period will begin again. but for me, it's not like i don't really have a grip on who i am. it's not like the things i'm saying are new and and exciting, they'll just probably be reconfirmed or slightly changed come october or so.
i don't really expect people to take this so seriously anymore either. i'm just going to write. read if you want. if you like what i have to say. these silly ramblings. i don't know where it will lead.
i went driving for a long time tonight and i needed that. there was something that i needed to do and going to the fair wasn't it. that much i just knew. i hadn't really had personal time to myself since quetico, and i needed to just reflect i guess. it ended up making me really sad. and every song i was listening to, more than that, every lyric i noticed, just seemed to fit. and i'm not really one to notice things like that anymore.
i just realized that i don't really even care that i'm writing in this. and i think that makes me angry.
i feel like most of the things that i will write about in my future will stem from last summer. just the way that it made me feel has been like nothing else in my entire life. i wonder how many times i've said something similar to that in the past few months.
new settings, new situations, new people, NEW everything always seems to bring out the best creative side of me. so i guess college, travelling, new friends, new town, new *experiences* will really benefit me a lot. and because i just saw the laguna beach season two preview, there was a reunion scene of when everyone came home from college. i guess we've been so focused on leaving that we've forgotten that we will see each other again, and i think that might be one of the most awesome NEW things that will ever happen. all this newness and then dealing with all this missing of people and home that is going to occur. it's going to be crazy. i just got really excited for my kre8ive future.
it's just hard to really be passionate about anything right now, because those passionate feelings are so fleeting this summer. although right now, i'm really happy. and i'm smiling while i'm writing. which feels nice. i told you i would ramble. and i'm sorry. i'm actually just writing this for me now that i think about it. i just needed to write something. it's so much easier for me to write on the computer because my handwriting is so crazy and my thoughts just escape so much easier.
anyway. this is from an entry i wrote last summer about the time when i told my parents i'm not catholic anymore. that was a pretty big moment in my life. last summer had a lot of those. although i do have to say, even with everything that's been sad and crummy, this summer has been awesome. and i'll forget the stupid things soon enough. the bad will fade away and i'll be left with the good and i'll hold it in my little hands and i'll hold it up towards the sky. whether it's cloudy or sunny or stormy or hailing, i'll hold my little hands up to the sky, holding this summer in them. all the bad will just leak through the cracks in my fingers, and i won't even bother to clean up the mess.
i don't know. i just rambled for a while. it's six a.m. and i feel like getting a good four hours of sleep. then i'm going to wake up, go running, call jen/na, quetico it up, kate myers it up for five dollars, and just be happy that in these last few weeks, i have something that i still don't quite want to quite let go of...at all. basically.
when it feels right, when you don't even have to think about it, when it's natural, that's it. that's what life is. i've had experiences like that which i know have changed me. it's changed the ways i see certain outcomes, certain people, certain settings, and it's been and will be for the better. you can only experience this when you let go and and embrace absolute freedom from yourself. you have to stop thinking and second-guessing yourself. it's a level of confidence that i can't really compare to anything else i have ever been through. and it's hard, because opening up means risking something as terrible as rejection. and it won't happen right away, because you'll be looking for it. it's when you aren't expecting anything, good or bad, it will hit you, and it will knock you clear off into another state of mind.
i love you for who you are no matter how well i know you, for who you are to me, and for who you are to those who you love. you are so much more amazing than you realize.
my dad just got up and is walking around upstairs.
if this was last summer, i would write a nice little entry that would sort out these thoughts in my head. like this entry.
but it's this summer, and livejournal doesn't really serve that useful a purpose anymore. for me at least. i don't really know how it happened, but nothing is really profound anymore. maybe this is the "waiting" period. it obviously is. with college coming in the very near future. and the new period will begin again. but for me, it's not like i don't really have a grip on who i am. it's not like the things i'm saying are new and and exciting, they'll just probably be reconfirmed or slightly changed come october or so.
i don't really expect people to take this so seriously anymore either. i'm just going to write. read if you want. if you like what i have to say. these silly ramblings. i don't know where it will lead.
i went driving for a long time tonight and i needed that. there was something that i needed to do and going to the fair wasn't it. that much i just knew. i hadn't really had personal time to myself since quetico, and i needed to just reflect i guess. it ended up making me really sad. and every song i was listening to, more than that, every lyric i noticed, just seemed to fit. and i'm not really one to notice things like that anymore.
i just realized that i don't really even care that i'm writing in this. and i think that makes me angry.
i feel like most of the things that i will write about in my future will stem from last summer. just the way that it made me feel has been like nothing else in my entire life. i wonder how many times i've said something similar to that in the past few months.
new settings, new situations, new people, NEW everything always seems to bring out the best creative side of me. so i guess college, travelling, new friends, new town, new *experiences* will really benefit me a lot. and because i just saw the laguna beach season two preview, there was a reunion scene of when everyone came home from college. i guess we've been so focused on leaving that we've forgotten that we will see each other again, and i think that might be one of the most awesome NEW things that will ever happen. all this newness and then dealing with all this missing of people and home that is going to occur. it's going to be crazy. i just got really excited for my kre8ive future.
it's just hard to really be passionate about anything right now, because those passionate feelings are so fleeting this summer. although right now, i'm really happy. and i'm smiling while i'm writing. which feels nice. i told you i would ramble. and i'm sorry. i'm actually just writing this for me now that i think about it. i just needed to write something. it's so much easier for me to write on the computer because my handwriting is so crazy and my thoughts just escape so much easier.
anyway. this is from an entry i wrote last summer about the time when i told my parents i'm not catholic anymore. that was a pretty big moment in my life. last summer had a lot of those. although i do have to say, even with everything that's been sad and crummy, this summer has been awesome. and i'll forget the stupid things soon enough. the bad will fade away and i'll be left with the good and i'll hold it in my little hands and i'll hold it up towards the sky. whether it's cloudy or sunny or stormy or hailing, i'll hold my little hands up to the sky, holding this summer in them. all the bad will just leak through the cracks in my fingers, and i won't even bother to clean up the mess.
i don't know. i just rambled for a while. it's six a.m. and i feel like getting a good four hours of sleep. then i'm going to wake up, go running, call jen/na, quetico it up, kate myers it up for five dollars, and just be happy that in these last few weeks, i have something that i still don't quite want to quite let go of...at all. basically.
when it feels right, when you don't even have to think about it, when it's natural, that's it. that's what life is. i've had experiences like that which i know have changed me. it's changed the ways i see certain outcomes, certain people, certain settings, and it's been and will be for the better. you can only experience this when you let go and and embrace absolute freedom from yourself. you have to stop thinking and second-guessing yourself. it's a level of confidence that i can't really compare to anything else i have ever been through. and it's hard, because opening up means risking something as terrible as rejection. and it won't happen right away, because you'll be looking for it. it's when you aren't expecting anything, good or bad, it will hit you, and it will knock you clear off into another state of mind.
i love you for who you are no matter how well i know you, for who you are to me, and for who you are to those who you love. you are so much more amazing than you realize.