(no subject)
when i was really little, i asked my mom what god looked like. i must have been three or so, and she looked at me and said that she thinks it's different for every person. that every person has a different image of what god is or looks like or feels like.
two nights i had a realistic dream and all my friends were there and we rented a cabin and it all seemed really important and special and i woke up and i knew it was important and i thought i would remember it, but i didn't write any of it down. now all i remember is the cabin. last night, we watched napoleon dynamite and in my dream, i was looking for the backstreet boys cd because they play a song in the movie. and it took me like five minutes in my dream to find it and then all my friends were there again and they said that it was just in the movie, and i got really mad at them, and they got really mad at me. and that was it.
i had one of those important moments yesterday when you start talking out loud and just start to figure things out, like your thoughts are just coming out, like useful word vomit. and i started yelling and said that maybe we're not supposed to change, that we're always suppposed to have this certain mentality and keep the same image. that it would be a little easier if people didn't change. now, that mindset seems really useless, but it seemed really important yesterday.
and lately, i've been having thoughts of a career change, not a change necessarily, but just being more open to what might happen. i think it would save me a lot of failure and disappointment, and a lot of money. but this is it. like courtney said about being passionate. this is what i'm passionate about. this how i communicate when everything else just seems blurry. i just figured i can't close doors before i even get the chance to open them.
i wish i could go back in time and just tell people things. or tell them right now. just say that it mattered to me. even if i was ten years old or thirteen or whatever. because at the time, it meant something, and i realize that now--that things worth saying need to be said. i never see myself living that long. when i sit down and actually think where i'll go in my life, i just don't see it very long-term. the way you believe your life will turn out does make a difference in how you live it.
i really liked the person i was in june/july/august. even april and may. but those first three months more. i liked the way i thought. everything i felt was so amazing and so pure and energetic and new and exciting. and i figured it out. i really like that period of my life, and when i die, i'm just gonna rewind through my entire life and experience that again. because that was a huge start to so many things. it was like everything that wasn't working out suddenly did. and then, after i see my life, i'm going to rewind through everybody else's life and watch them go through their life and see the moment from their eyes when they met me, because i think that would be cool to see that. to live in someone elses shoes. and then i'll just float on.
i like the word fresh. and refresh. but fresh is better, because there is no point where it has gotten so low to the point where it needs to refreshed. it's just new and crisp and alive. most of the time, i think i'm just being refreshed. i guess we all are.
when i wrote that story about the guy that jumped off the balcony, that felt real. the disappointing thing about that is that i can't live like the for the rest of my life to get that feeling. i don't like that. which is why i'll probably end up in the most unlikely of places. but i think i'll be okay.
now i'm done rambling, and i have no idea what i said. the thoughts just kind of left my head, but i need that every once in a while.
two nights i had a realistic dream and all my friends were there and we rented a cabin and it all seemed really important and special and i woke up and i knew it was important and i thought i would remember it, but i didn't write any of it down. now all i remember is the cabin. last night, we watched napoleon dynamite and in my dream, i was looking for the backstreet boys cd because they play a song in the movie. and it took me like five minutes in my dream to find it and then all my friends were there again and they said that it was just in the movie, and i got really mad at them, and they got really mad at me. and that was it.
i had one of those important moments yesterday when you start talking out loud and just start to figure things out, like your thoughts are just coming out, like useful word vomit. and i started yelling and said that maybe we're not supposed to change, that we're always suppposed to have this certain mentality and keep the same image. that it would be a little easier if people didn't change. now, that mindset seems really useless, but it seemed really important yesterday.
and lately, i've been having thoughts of a career change, not a change necessarily, but just being more open to what might happen. i think it would save me a lot of failure and disappointment, and a lot of money. but this is it. like courtney said about being passionate. this is what i'm passionate about. this how i communicate when everything else just seems blurry. i just figured i can't close doors before i even get the chance to open them.
i wish i could go back in time and just tell people things. or tell them right now. just say that it mattered to me. even if i was ten years old or thirteen or whatever. because at the time, it meant something, and i realize that now--that things worth saying need to be said. i never see myself living that long. when i sit down and actually think where i'll go in my life, i just don't see it very long-term. the way you believe your life will turn out does make a difference in how you live it.
i really liked the person i was in june/july/august. even april and may. but those first three months more. i liked the way i thought. everything i felt was so amazing and so pure and energetic and new and exciting. and i figured it out. i really like that period of my life, and when i die, i'm just gonna rewind through my entire life and experience that again. because that was a huge start to so many things. it was like everything that wasn't working out suddenly did. and then, after i see my life, i'm going to rewind through everybody else's life and watch them go through their life and see the moment from their eyes when they met me, because i think that would be cool to see that. to live in someone elses shoes. and then i'll just float on.
i like the word fresh. and refresh. but fresh is better, because there is no point where it has gotten so low to the point where it needs to refreshed. it's just new and crisp and alive. most of the time, i think i'm just being refreshed. i guess we all are.
when i wrote that story about the guy that jumped off the balcony, that felt real. the disappointing thing about that is that i can't live like the for the rest of my life to get that feeling. i don't like that. which is why i'll probably end up in the most unlikely of places. but i think i'll be okay.
now i'm done rambling, and i have no idea what i said. the thoughts just kind of left my head, but i need that every once in a while.