(no subject)
so, I need to break up with my therapist.
things, food-wise, have been pretty good -- I've mostly been seeing her to talk about depression/anxiety things (I had real, serious, hardcore issues in high school and college, 'til I got control of them with the help of antidepressants), and also about work/life things (because, well, I'm less and less sure all the time that the ph.d. track is really the way I need to be going). but as I've been more and more anxious lately, I've also been less and less likely to "remember" to eat lunch and less and less comfortable with my body. I'm nowhere near where I was two years ago this time (at which point I was hardly eating, well, anything and vomiting everything I did eat), but I'm a little nervous that I might fall back into that cycle quickly.
so I tell her this, and that I'm interested in thinking about how to tell when I'm forgetting to eat because I'm spacey and busy and when I'm forgetting because I really really want to not eat. she says it doesn't matter, and I just need to try to eat more. well, um, yeah. but know what? telling someone with an eating disorder, a history of eating disorders, whatever to "just eat more" is really fucking useless. I also tell her that I thought I'd gained a lot of weight lately (~15-25 pounds; I don't own a scale and don't let myself weigh myself, so I had no way of checking), but I'd weighed myself over the weekend and was the same weight as always. she says "you thought you gained weight?" "yes." "but your clothes still fit?" "yes." "wow. that's just crazy. cuckoo."
I do not want a therapist who calls this kind of thinking cuckoo. I mean, it IS, sure. but still.
oof.
also -- emily! are you gonna meet my dad next week?
things, food-wise, have been pretty good -- I've mostly been seeing her to talk about depression/anxiety things (I had real, serious, hardcore issues in high school and college, 'til I got control of them with the help of antidepressants), and also about work/life things (because, well, I'm less and less sure all the time that the ph.d. track is really the way I need to be going). but as I've been more and more anxious lately, I've also been less and less likely to "remember" to eat lunch and less and less comfortable with my body. I'm nowhere near where I was two years ago this time (at which point I was hardly eating, well, anything and vomiting everything I did eat), but I'm a little nervous that I might fall back into that cycle quickly.
so I tell her this, and that I'm interested in thinking about how to tell when I'm forgetting to eat because I'm spacey and busy and when I'm forgetting because I really really want to not eat. she says it doesn't matter, and I just need to try to eat more. well, um, yeah. but know what? telling someone with an eating disorder, a history of eating disorders, whatever to "just eat more" is really fucking useless. I also tell her that I thought I'd gained a lot of weight lately (~15-25 pounds; I don't own a scale and don't let myself weigh myself, so I had no way of checking), but I'd weighed myself over the weekend and was the same weight as always. she says "you thought you gained weight?" "yes." "but your clothes still fit?" "yes." "wow. that's just crazy. cuckoo."
I do not want a therapist who calls this kind of thinking cuckoo. I mean, it IS, sure. but still.
oof.
also -- emily! are you gonna meet my dad next week?