my birthday is in 4 days
How can someone love you so much and hate you so much at the same time? i miss him so much. i miss the way he looked at me. the way he walked into my house and talked to my dad. how hed jump into bed and hold me or crawl into my nook. I could look like shit and he treated me like a million bucks. he could have a giant black spot on his face and id see him as the most beautiful boy in the world. I felt completed. I really felt like he was my other half. and now i really dont feel whole. and its painful because i walk around holding half the emotions i could. i react half way. my acting in rehearsal is half way. i am only in contact with very few emotions because he has this other side of me that feels all these wonderful things. There wil never be another Yoni. Just like there will never be another Brock. They are off living and im sitting in my bed for weeks at a time crying. or sleeping. i was so happy. SO happy...such an extreme from where i am now, i dont even remember being this sad. at least ive gone throuhg this once before. but now i have standards. il know within 1 day of knowing someone if i like them. because the MOMENT i saw yoni, i fell in love with him. i never saw this coming. i still dont think its the way it should be. he couldnt wait for our "break" to be over. he couldnt wait. and now i wonder, was it just so he could dump me? of course not. hes too wonderful for that. but why am i here? why is my life perfect and im miserable? i cant date other boys even if they are perfect because im not over Yoni. I dont have patience to sit here every day and wait for that moment to occur. But im NOT the kind of boy to go ut there and hook up because ive experienced things so much more special. yet dating someone just to get over yoni is wrong. drrugs dont help. people sometimes help. rehearsals can help. but im not myself. he is walking around with part of me that i want back. i cant be ME until iam no longer intruiged by the idea of US whatsoever. but i want to stand in front of his house and scream I LOVE YOU. and hold him and be with him and go back to how things were.
i lost one of my best friends to this because she decided to stay his friend. and not just stay his friend. but spend everyday together and all the time she could be with me, shes with him. she takes the attention from wherever its coming. but i cant have him in my life. and if she decides to be in his life, then i cant be arund her. and she can say "its not right that just because YOU arent with him, that I cant be friends with him cause hes amazing." its the principle of being a best friend. its knowing i cant go to her birthday party or kickback or movienight if hes there. and maybe its not fair for either of us. that id ask her not to invite her friend over. but shes known me since i was 8 and known him for 3 months. she has friends who cut her out for months on months at a time. she just wants ffriends and attention and love. and thats what i want too. but she cant just spend all the time she wants with someone who told me i wasnt a good person. and if thats her decision, then fine. ill move on. in 10 years ill be someone else crying over another yoni. i was just REEEEAAALLLYYY thinking that in 10 years id still be with yoni. because we are perfect. but then i forget that hes never kept a best friend for longe than a couple months either so i guess they are what they need right now. i dont think it makes them smile that im miserable. but the fact that ur best friend isnt sitting with u when ur in bed crying and never been this lonely(i havent had my car all week, so at east LAST year when this happened i could go somewhere) says something.
im at this crossroads where i dont know what the fuck is going on. i just know that i love my best friend katie, i missed my best friend laura but i lost herto the one i miss the most, Yoni. i love the tribe. i cant wait for amda. i KNOW things will get better. just like with brock. but it takes so long. and i just end up questioning EVERYTHING and i feel as if im in limbo
so i sit here inhippie land limbo.
i sit in horrible limbo as my birthday approaches in 4 days. and it shouldnt be this way.
EXCLAIMER ive said it once but ill say it again. i use this as my journal. if u want to comment, thats great but please no negativity because this is my place to vent.
i lost one of my best friends to this because she decided to stay his friend. and not just stay his friend. but spend everyday together and all the time she could be with me, shes with him. she takes the attention from wherever its coming. but i cant have him in my life. and if she decides to be in his life, then i cant be arund her. and she can say "its not right that just because YOU arent with him, that I cant be friends with him cause hes amazing." its the principle of being a best friend. its knowing i cant go to her birthday party or kickback or movienight if hes there. and maybe its not fair for either of us. that id ask her not to invite her friend over. but shes known me since i was 8 and known him for 3 months. she has friends who cut her out for months on months at a time. she just wants ffriends and attention and love. and thats what i want too. but she cant just spend all the time she wants with someone who told me i wasnt a good person. and if thats her decision, then fine. ill move on. in 10 years ill be someone else crying over another yoni. i was just REEEEAAALLLYYY thinking that in 10 years id still be with yoni. because we are perfect. but then i forget that hes never kept a best friend for longe than a couple months either so i guess they are what they need right now. i dont think it makes them smile that im miserable. but the fact that ur best friend isnt sitting with u when ur in bed crying and never been this lonely(i havent had my car all week, so at east LAST year when this happened i could go somewhere) says something.
im at this crossroads where i dont know what the fuck is going on. i just know that i love my best friend katie, i missed my best friend laura but i lost herto the one i miss the most, Yoni. i love the tribe. i cant wait for amda. i KNOW things will get better. just like with brock. but it takes so long. and i just end up questioning EVERYTHING and i feel as if im in limbo
so i sit here inhippie land limbo.
i sit in horrible limbo as my birthday approaches in 4 days. and it shouldnt be this way.
EXCLAIMER ive said it once but ill say it again. i use this as my journal. if u want to comment, thats great but please no negativity because this is my place to vent.