Fallen
Crazy has snuck up on me, again. I thought for sure it was gone this time. But, it seems, it had instead just buried itself into a long hibernation. I don't know that I can remember the last time I felt like this. Suffocated by the beige walls of the living room. Nauseated by the ugly brown border. It's not fair to blame the apartment. In fact, I love the apartment. Even the ugly walls that surround me, most of the time. But everyone needs a scapegoat and, at the moment, sitting in the cool breeze of the a/c, it seems easier to blame these walls than to blame myself.
I can't really explain what's happened. I'm not even sure I know, myself. I know I'm confused. I'm at a loss as to how I started making such stupid decisions again. I'm dumbfounded by the old habits that I thought had died, rising from their grave and sneaking back into my life. I was doing so well with all of it, I thought.
But the urge came first. The undeniable urge, shortly followed by the guilt. Which I think has led to the rest of it. And now I'm dreaming dreams again I thought I had torched. Or maybe those came first, all along? Who really knows.
All I know is that I finally caved in to the temptation to do something long left behind and now I can't feel worse about it. Yet, already I want to do it again.
It makes it worse that I refuse to talk to anyone about it. I don't even know where I would begin. It's not something that's easy to bring up in conversation or comfortable to discuss once done. There's also the shame factor. I guess that's why I'm writing it here. It's easier to discuss with my computer screen. I'm obviously also fully aware that someone can read it. Which is fine, good even. It's an easy out. I'd rather spend my face-to-face time not whining and wallowing in my issues. (Not that that's a big shock or anything).
I think more than anything I'm just discouraged. Because I KNOW I can go so long without feeling like this. Without being like this. Without the habits that accompany it all. It makes the fall back that much harder.
Plus, I think you always wonder if this time it will stick...
I can't really explain what's happened. I'm not even sure I know, myself. I know I'm confused. I'm at a loss as to how I started making such stupid decisions again. I'm dumbfounded by the old habits that I thought had died, rising from their grave and sneaking back into my life. I was doing so well with all of it, I thought.
But the urge came first. The undeniable urge, shortly followed by the guilt. Which I think has led to the rest of it. And now I'm dreaming dreams again I thought I had torched. Or maybe those came first, all along? Who really knows.
All I know is that I finally caved in to the temptation to do something long left behind and now I can't feel worse about it. Yet, already I want to do it again.
It makes it worse that I refuse to talk to anyone about it. I don't even know where I would begin. It's not something that's easy to bring up in conversation or comfortable to discuss once done. There's also the shame factor. I guess that's why I'm writing it here. It's easier to discuss with my computer screen. I'm obviously also fully aware that someone can read it. Which is fine, good even. It's an easy out. I'd rather spend my face-to-face time not whining and wallowing in my issues. (Not that that's a big shock or anything).
I think more than anything I'm just discouraged. Because I KNOW I can go so long without feeling like this. Without being like this. Without the habits that accompany it all. It makes the fall back that much harder.
Plus, I think you always wonder if this time it will stick...