The Adventures of Kibbles
"Were you going through my phone?" A short pause. "I mean, I don't mind, you can if you want to." She picks up her phone, searches through it, for something, though I'll probably never know what. "Ty does that all the time." She makes a face, and continues looking at her phone. I watch her intently. She hates it when other people touch her phone. That day, such a long time ago it seems like now, she told me that I could go through her phone, because she trusts me. Because she loves me. I felt those butterflies I felt the first time she kissed me. It's like I had a little place in her world. I'll never forget that glowing feeling. The feeling of meaning something to the one you love. But I digress. "Ty goes through your phone?" My eyebrows crinkled as I tried to read her expressions, figure out if she was telling me this for another reason. "Yeah, she does this all the time, she goes through all my texts." That face again. A memory flashes into my mind. She always loved it when I went through her texts, because it was like I wanted to be a part of her life. I didn't go through her texts, or her phone, very often. It was a personal item of hers, even if she let me see it, and I didn't want to intrude. Intrude. I glanced away from her, down to my feet. She would look at me soon, and if I had this empty look in my face, she'd ask me questions. My lips curved into a smile and I bounced up and down on her bed, waving my legs to and fro.
We had breakfast together, and soon afterward hung out with her brother's girlfriend. She told me she loved having me be with her family. I smiled sadly, and nodded. I like being a part of your life too, I wanted to say. But instead I just continued playing the Wii. It's strange how time seems to fly when I'm with her. But alas, fly it does, and before I knew it she was dropping her mom off at the train station, and me at my house. I didn't say a word in the car, but I listened to her mom talk and laugh, and Gabby smile at how dorky of a mom she had. Another flash in my mind, this time a thought. Everyone relies on her, as if she were their mother. She takes care of them, indulges them, even her own biological mother. But who mothers her? I frowned and tried thinking of someone. Not her family. Not her friends. Not me. But then I remembered Ty, and all Ty's done for her. An anchor dropped into the pit of my stomach, but I didn't realize why then. Soon her mom got out of the car, and told me to sit in the passenger seat. Almost as if walking in a dream, I shuffled my way to the front. I had forgotten to put on my smile. I have a tendency to do that when I'm with her. This strange, tendency to be unlike myself, by being more like myself around her. She asked me what was wrong. I hadn't realized, but I started crying. My throat began to burn with my adamantly suppressed sobs. She put her warm, soft hand on my thigh. Such a comforting hand. Whenever it touches you, you think life is perfect. That all your dreams aren't dreams, but reality. A reality she would make happen. She's some sort of magician, I'm sure.
I calmed myself, though the tears still danced down my once cracked cheeks, so I could respond to her. She was getting very worried, you see. She doesn't like it when I cry. "My last day." Was what I managed to get out. She grew quiet. She couldn't argue with me. It was true. Last night and this morning was my last day with her, before she left me forever. "You already knew this". More crying. It was getting harder to choke back my sobs. I bit my lip, hard. "Are you doing this for me, or for you?" We were nearing my house. "I make you hate yourself. I make you cry. And I have no time left. You changing yourself, trying, is pointless. You would be better off with friends. You'd be happier." A lash to my back. I felt the figurative blood drench my shirt. I never knew happiness was defined as depression, as ceaseless tears, as emptiness, and as the loss of those butterflies within my stomach. I tell her that it's her that makes me happy. "Bullshit." My mind drifts again, as it so often does. She never answered my question. "Are you doing this because you were dying at the concert, in the same building I was in, but I never noticed or saved you, while Ty, who was further away, did? Or are you doing this because you think that being with friends actually makes me happy? Because you think that mask of happiness I put on is real?" I hadn't realized till I said it. Another lash against my cold back. She couldn't see through my mask? I looked down, my vision blurred. But then again, wasn't it my fault? I never gave her a chance to see through it, since I never put on my mask with her.
"You don't even get this, I can't believe you." The frustration in her voice, The disappointment and hurt. The third lash. She answered again, in the same way. Without my need of a simple yes or no answer. "I'm not going to stop fighting then. I won't let you leave me." God, my voice. It sounds like I'm a petulant child whose mother didn't buy them ice cream. I guess I haven't changed much. She stopped in front of my house. "You're not happy with me, so I'm leaving you and you can be with your friends and be happy and live your life. Continue living your life." The whip was replaced by a sword. I forgot how to breathe for a moment, and when I recalled, I grabbed my things and hurried from the car. I am a nuisance to her. I can't be her girlfriend, because I'm not ready. I can't be friends with benefits, because she'll want more. And being friends isn't good enough for anyone. I torture her constantly. But I make her happy, right? At least I used to. No, I wouldn't leave for me. For my "benefit". I would only leave because I'm troubling her and because I'm not enough. And surely, if she thinks the same way, she'll return to me. I walked quickly towards my house, only to hear her call. "The next time will be a phone call. A phone call, Kibbles! And this is my goodbye?" She revs her engine, and I walk to her window, wanting to give her a kiss. I'm in the way of her car now, so she can't zoom away. I try to go to the side, to get into the passenger seat. How stupid a child I am. The second I move she hits the gas and flies away. Flies? No. Falls.
I dry my eyes, try to act composed. I let my hat cover my eyes as I ring the doorbell. My dad lets me in, and we commence with some small talk. But I can't talk. Be conscious. So I cry myself t sleep. I wake up and try making any and all types of contact with her. It doesn't work. She won't reply. So I simply continue. I continue and I end up watching romantic movies. You might wonder what that has to do with anything. But my response to you is that I'm a masochist. I sobbed uncontrollably during the movies, thinking of her every second. That's what she always wanted. For me to think of her, not as a passing thought, but to actually think of her. I am now, I have been for a month. But still a year too late. I feel a vibration on the table. My phone. My heart jumps. I scramble to unlock my phone and see who texted me. It's her!... Or so I thought. It's Ty, texting me on her phone. Ty tells me she's asleep, not ignoring me. I text her a reply, thanking her, and telling her that she didn't like it when Ty went through her phone. I feel another vibration. You say that it probably bugs her because you always text me when you go through her phone, and you always end up reprimanding me, and she doesn't like that. I tell you that I'm pretty sure that' s not the reason. Ty said she would ask her when she woke up. My mind strayed again. Am I sure that's the reason? She made a face when she told me about what Ty does. But she didn't say a thing about her being unhappy about it. She let Ty in too. She let Ty in a lot more. And Ty seems to have understood her a lot more than I have in two and a half years. I felt like the vase of my life crashed down to the ground and shattered into a million and nine pieces. I can still hear the crash resounding in my ears. This sound will never leave me. I don't know why you left. Or if you'll come back. And even if you'll ever believe a single word I say. But I just wanted to say, I just wanted to tell you, someone, everyone... That I love you Gabriela. You are everything I cherish, everything that keeps me breathing, and I will always care for you, even though I don't do it well.
We had breakfast together, and soon afterward hung out with her brother's girlfriend. She told me she loved having me be with her family. I smiled sadly, and nodded. I like being a part of your life too, I wanted to say. But instead I just continued playing the Wii. It's strange how time seems to fly when I'm with her. But alas, fly it does, and before I knew it she was dropping her mom off at the train station, and me at my house. I didn't say a word in the car, but I listened to her mom talk and laugh, and Gabby smile at how dorky of a mom she had. Another flash in my mind, this time a thought. Everyone relies on her, as if she were their mother. She takes care of them, indulges them, even her own biological mother. But who mothers her? I frowned and tried thinking of someone. Not her family. Not her friends. Not me. But then I remembered Ty, and all Ty's done for her. An anchor dropped into the pit of my stomach, but I didn't realize why then. Soon her mom got out of the car, and told me to sit in the passenger seat. Almost as if walking in a dream, I shuffled my way to the front. I had forgotten to put on my smile. I have a tendency to do that when I'm with her. This strange, tendency to be unlike myself, by being more like myself around her. She asked me what was wrong. I hadn't realized, but I started crying. My throat began to burn with my adamantly suppressed sobs. She put her warm, soft hand on my thigh. Such a comforting hand. Whenever it touches you, you think life is perfect. That all your dreams aren't dreams, but reality. A reality she would make happen. She's some sort of magician, I'm sure.
I calmed myself, though the tears still danced down my once cracked cheeks, so I could respond to her. She was getting very worried, you see. She doesn't like it when I cry. "My last day." Was what I managed to get out. She grew quiet. She couldn't argue with me. It was true. Last night and this morning was my last day with her, before she left me forever. "You already knew this". More crying. It was getting harder to choke back my sobs. I bit my lip, hard. "Are you doing this for me, or for you?" We were nearing my house. "I make you hate yourself. I make you cry. And I have no time left. You changing yourself, trying, is pointless. You would be better off with friends. You'd be happier." A lash to my back. I felt the figurative blood drench my shirt. I never knew happiness was defined as depression, as ceaseless tears, as emptiness, and as the loss of those butterflies within my stomach. I tell her that it's her that makes me happy. "Bullshit." My mind drifts again, as it so often does. She never answered my question. "Are you doing this because you were dying at the concert, in the same building I was in, but I never noticed or saved you, while Ty, who was further away, did? Or are you doing this because you think that being with friends actually makes me happy? Because you think that mask of happiness I put on is real?" I hadn't realized till I said it. Another lash against my cold back. She couldn't see through my mask? I looked down, my vision blurred. But then again, wasn't it my fault? I never gave her a chance to see through it, since I never put on my mask with her.
"You don't even get this, I can't believe you." The frustration in her voice, The disappointment and hurt. The third lash. She answered again, in the same way. Without my need of a simple yes or no answer. "I'm not going to stop fighting then. I won't let you leave me." God, my voice. It sounds like I'm a petulant child whose mother didn't buy them ice cream. I guess I haven't changed much. She stopped in front of my house. "You're not happy with me, so I'm leaving you and you can be with your friends and be happy and live your life. Continue living your life." The whip was replaced by a sword. I forgot how to breathe for a moment, and when I recalled, I grabbed my things and hurried from the car. I am a nuisance to her. I can't be her girlfriend, because I'm not ready. I can't be friends with benefits, because she'll want more. And being friends isn't good enough for anyone. I torture her constantly. But I make her happy, right? At least I used to. No, I wouldn't leave for me. For my "benefit". I would only leave because I'm troubling her and because I'm not enough. And surely, if she thinks the same way, she'll return to me. I walked quickly towards my house, only to hear her call. "The next time will be a phone call. A phone call, Kibbles! And this is my goodbye?" She revs her engine, and I walk to her window, wanting to give her a kiss. I'm in the way of her car now, so she can't zoom away. I try to go to the side, to get into the passenger seat. How stupid a child I am. The second I move she hits the gas and flies away. Flies? No. Falls.
I dry my eyes, try to act composed. I let my hat cover my eyes as I ring the doorbell. My dad lets me in, and we commence with some small talk. But I can't talk. Be conscious. So I cry myself t sleep. I wake up and try making any and all types of contact with her. It doesn't work. She won't reply. So I simply continue. I continue and I end up watching romantic movies. You might wonder what that has to do with anything. But my response to you is that I'm a masochist. I sobbed uncontrollably during the movies, thinking of her every second. That's what she always wanted. For me to think of her, not as a passing thought, but to actually think of her. I am now, I have been for a month. But still a year too late. I feel a vibration on the table. My phone. My heart jumps. I scramble to unlock my phone and see who texted me. It's her!... Or so I thought. It's Ty, texting me on her phone. Ty tells me she's asleep, not ignoring me. I text her a reply, thanking her, and telling her that she didn't like it when Ty went through her phone. I feel another vibration. You say that it probably bugs her because you always text me when you go through her phone, and you always end up reprimanding me, and she doesn't like that. I tell you that I'm pretty sure that' s not the reason. Ty said she would ask her when she woke up. My mind strayed again. Am I sure that's the reason? She made a face when she told me about what Ty does. But she didn't say a thing about her being unhappy about it. She let Ty in too. She let Ty in a lot more. And Ty seems to have understood her a lot more than I have in two and a half years. I felt like the vase of my life crashed down to the ground and shattered into a million and nine pieces. I can still hear the crash resounding in my ears. This sound will never leave me. I don't know why you left. Or if you'll come back. And even if you'll ever believe a single word I say. But I just wanted to say, I just wanted to tell you, someone, everyone... That I love you Gabriela. You are everything I cherish, everything that keeps me breathing, and I will always care for you, even though I don't do it well.