Only after disaster can we be resurrected
This whole not-sleeping thing is starting to get to me.
Even when I do sleep, I'm never rested. My dreams are always a toss-up: either I'm grasping at something I can't reach, or the images are haunting and touch on something that if I could just sleep for a few seconds longer then I might be able to understand ... but I never do. It seems like I don't really sleep, even when I do.
I am so utterly frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm the narrator in Fight Club; I need to just slide, I need to just let go, but I can't. I'm imprisoned, I can't deal with things I can't control. Which is to say, everything. I need to feel like I'm in control. And it's trapping me. It's suffocating me. Because I can't be, and never will be.
We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.
THINGS THAT MAKE ME ANGRY
* Well, right now, the fact that I'm not asleep. Along with that, every other thing that pisses me off, but isn't really important. The construction outside my bedroom that starts at 9:00 AM every morning, waking me up from not sleeping. My car dying CONSTANTLY. Lack of money. Lack of things to do. Not knowing if I'm moving. Not having sex or kissing. Not being able to travel and expand my mind. The fact that everyone else is doing these things. Drinking too much. Not eating healthy. Not running. Not working out. Too much time and not enough time at the same fucking time.
For the real things?
* Feeling like I sold myself out, like I could have put in the effort to make things better but I didn't, and now I'm stuck.
* The fact that I am lacking direction and / or motivation
* Constantly feeling like I'm not good enough; good enough for better things, good enough for love
* Constantly feeling like I need to improve myself in some way to make myself worthy of those things, and either not making the effort to do it, or the effort being futile anyway, or accomplishing it and then just having to fix something else and my accomplishment meaning nothing
* Falling for the wrong people perpetually
* Feeling weak and helpless, like I'm at everyone's mercy, like anyone can take me out whenever they want to and I can't do anything about it
* The absence of the spiritual awareness I used to have, and the spiritual presence I used to feel
* Being disconnected from any semblance of a community or group of friends; feeling alone and isolated, even when I'm around people; feeling like I don't belong or that I'm too different from everyone around me; feeling like no one understands me
* My brain won't shut off and just let me exist without constantly needing to analyze and think and dwell over stupid shit
* Feeling like I can't be myself, like I can't be open about how I feel or who I am
* The fact that my honesty with people always gets taken the wrong way or isn't returned
* Always pushing people away
* I can't let go
You're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes.
THINGS THAT I AM AFRAID OF
* Becoming bitter / being seen as bitter. I can be cynical, but I really am an optimist, on the inside; I'm worried that I won't always be
* Cancer. Getting sick, in general, but cancer specifically
* Losing my mind; not in the going-crazy sense, although that is scary, too; more in the Alzheimer's sense
* Losing any of my abilities
* Getting murdered / bashed and not being able to defend myself
* Seeing any of these things happen to any of my friends and family
* Wasting my life
* People giving up on me
* Not being a good person
Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned.
- Tyler
Even when I do sleep, I'm never rested. My dreams are always a toss-up: either I'm grasping at something I can't reach, or the images are haunting and touch on something that if I could just sleep for a few seconds longer then I might be able to understand ... but I never do. It seems like I don't really sleep, even when I do.
I am so utterly frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm the narrator in Fight Club; I need to just slide, I need to just let go, but I can't. I'm imprisoned, I can't deal with things I can't control. Which is to say, everything. I need to feel like I'm in control. And it's trapping me. It's suffocating me. Because I can't be, and never will be.
We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.
THINGS THAT MAKE ME ANGRY
* Well, right now, the fact that I'm not asleep. Along with that, every other thing that pisses me off, but isn't really important. The construction outside my bedroom that starts at 9:00 AM every morning, waking me up from not sleeping. My car dying CONSTANTLY. Lack of money. Lack of things to do. Not knowing if I'm moving. Not having sex or kissing. Not being able to travel and expand my mind. The fact that everyone else is doing these things. Drinking too much. Not eating healthy. Not running. Not working out. Too much time and not enough time at the same fucking time.
For the real things?
* Feeling like I sold myself out, like I could have put in the effort to make things better but I didn't, and now I'm stuck.
* The fact that I am lacking direction and / or motivation
* Constantly feeling like I'm not good enough; good enough for better things, good enough for love
* Constantly feeling like I need to improve myself in some way to make myself worthy of those things, and either not making the effort to do it, or the effort being futile anyway, or accomplishing it and then just having to fix something else and my accomplishment meaning nothing
* Falling for the wrong people perpetually
* Feeling weak and helpless, like I'm at everyone's mercy, like anyone can take me out whenever they want to and I can't do anything about it
* The absence of the spiritual awareness I used to have, and the spiritual presence I used to feel
* Being disconnected from any semblance of a community or group of friends; feeling alone and isolated, even when I'm around people; feeling like I don't belong or that I'm too different from everyone around me; feeling like no one understands me
* My brain won't shut off and just let me exist without constantly needing to analyze and think and dwell over stupid shit
* Feeling like I can't be myself, like I can't be open about how I feel or who I am
* The fact that my honesty with people always gets taken the wrong way or isn't returned
* Always pushing people away
* I can't let go
You're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes.
THINGS THAT I AM AFRAID OF
* Becoming bitter / being seen as bitter. I can be cynical, but I really am an optimist, on the inside; I'm worried that I won't always be
* Cancer. Getting sick, in general, but cancer specifically
* Losing my mind; not in the going-crazy sense, although that is scary, too; more in the Alzheimer's sense
* Losing any of my abilities
* Getting murdered / bashed and not being able to defend myself
* Seeing any of these things happen to any of my friends and family
* Wasting my life
* People giving up on me
* Not being a good person
Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned.
- Tyler