Here it is folks.
I am a lesbian. I am gay. I like women pretty much exclusively. And I am more comfortable with the word "lesbian" than I ever have been with "bisexual", so yeah.
I do believe what I felt for all my male crushes in the past was legit, but they were really innocent, "I wanna chill with you" crushes.
Thank you, all of you, so much for your comments on my last post. I didn't respond to all of them, in fact I only responded to one, because it's just... hard. It's hard to express how thankful I am for each an every one of you. (If you didn't see it, it was heavily locked, so you didn't miss it.) I love all of you. ALL OF YOU.
I am scared shitless. I am terrified of the future. I am mortified that some of my friends, my female friends in particular, will never be the same around me if I tell them. That our friendship will be uncomfortable for them. Even if I've known them since I was nine or younger. Only on IRL friend knows.
I am scared that my closest cousin won't see me the same way. That whole side of the family is very conservative. But what if this ruins our relationship? Would she even come to my wedding?
Can I ever even get married? Oregon passed a constitutional amendment in 2004 banning same-sex marriage. I was honestly more disappointed with that than Bush winning. People think of Oregon is an uber liberal hippie state, but that's mostly Portland and Eugene. Much of the state is conservative. What if it's never overturned? I don't want to have to leave my fucking home just for my union to be recognized. I love Oregon. I could never move out of this state. I identify as an Oregonian with all my heart. Put a bird on it. Ducks. Beavers. Trees. Rain. Strawberries. Nerdshit. Hipsters. Hippies. Tillamook cheese. Wine. I love it all. I don't want to move to New York or Iowa. I want to get married here.
I am shit scared of what might happen if I hold hands with a woman in public. What men, shitty men, assholes, not cool dudes, might say. What they might do. I can't get hurt like that again. I can't get hurt worse. I fucking can't.
I hate myself for being so ashamed of myself for being gay. I shouldn't. My parents never gave me any reason for this. I think I'm just ashamed of being remotely sexual. I hate being ashamed of something like that. There is nothing wrong with it. I am a sex-positive feminist. Why am I ashamed of occasionally having sexual feelings towards other women?
I am terrified of telling my parents. They are liberal. They are pro-gay rights. But it was so fucking awkward when I came out to them as queer/bisexual. They'll love me no matter what, but I'm still scared I'll be disappointing them. No son-in-law from me. Probably no blood grandchildren. But there are so many kids who need homes. And I don't think I should pass on my genetics. But that's not the point right now. The point is I have no idea how to go about coming out again, this time dashing their hopes that I might ever have a "normal" life with a man. I'll basically be telling them that I'm even more of an "other" than I already was. That my life will be harder for yet another reason. I think I've even been drinking a bit more since realizing that I'm gay in hopes that maybe if I'm buzzed enough I'll just tell them and things will be easier that way. I know that's not smart and not the way to go about it and even when I'm as close to drunk as I'll ever get I just start freaking out like "What if I tell them now? THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE."
And since realizing I'm gay, I have just felt so disconnected. Even more disconnected from the media, pop culture, my straight and even bi friends, feeling alone and shit. I worry that even my bisexual friends will feel awkward. And seeing so few gay characters on TV, every song on the radio being about straightness, it's so... isolating. I feel like no one will understand, but I know that's stupid shit because a lot of people are gay and I have gay friends who I could probably talk to. Like I didn't feel isolated enough this past year with utterly fucking up with school and the PTSD.
God. Does anyone have advice? Hugs? Support? This has been driving me nuts all summer.
Ha! I just told my younger brother and he said in a very dramatic voice, like the one he uses when his D&D character talks about his hatred for Merfolk, "I ALWAYS FIGURED!" That's probably the best response I have gotten. Relieves so much awkwardness.
So. Yeah. This is public right now because. Well. It's a step, I guess. And if this post makes anyone uncomfortable, I'm sorry. That's one of my biggest fears. I'm sorry. I might f-lock it later.
I love you guys. So much. And I hate to ask more of you. Ask for more support when I am shit at helping.
I do believe what I felt for all my male crushes in the past was legit, but they were really innocent, "I wanna chill with you" crushes.
Thank you, all of you, so much for your comments on my last post. I didn't respond to all of them, in fact I only responded to one, because it's just... hard. It's hard to express how thankful I am for each an every one of you. (If you didn't see it, it was heavily locked, so you didn't miss it.) I love all of you. ALL OF YOU.
I am scared shitless. I am terrified of the future. I am mortified that some of my friends, my female friends in particular, will never be the same around me if I tell them. That our friendship will be uncomfortable for them. Even if I've known them since I was nine or younger. Only on IRL friend knows.
I am scared that my closest cousin won't see me the same way. That whole side of the family is very conservative. But what if this ruins our relationship? Would she even come to my wedding?
Can I ever even get married? Oregon passed a constitutional amendment in 2004 banning same-sex marriage. I was honestly more disappointed with that than Bush winning. People think of Oregon is an uber liberal hippie state, but that's mostly Portland and Eugene. Much of the state is conservative. What if it's never overturned? I don't want to have to leave my fucking home just for my union to be recognized. I love Oregon. I could never move out of this state. I identify as an Oregonian with all my heart. Put a bird on it. Ducks. Beavers. Trees. Rain. Strawberries. Nerdshit. Hipsters. Hippies. Tillamook cheese. Wine. I love it all. I don't want to move to New York or Iowa. I want to get married here.
I am shit scared of what might happen if I hold hands with a woman in public. What men, shitty men, assholes, not cool dudes, might say. What they might do. I can't get hurt like that again. I can't get hurt worse. I fucking can't.
I hate myself for being so ashamed of myself for being gay. I shouldn't. My parents never gave me any reason for this. I think I'm just ashamed of being remotely sexual. I hate being ashamed of something like that. There is nothing wrong with it. I am a sex-positive feminist. Why am I ashamed of occasionally having sexual feelings towards other women?
I am terrified of telling my parents. They are liberal. They are pro-gay rights. But it was so fucking awkward when I came out to them as queer/bisexual. They'll love me no matter what, but I'm still scared I'll be disappointing them. No son-in-law from me. Probably no blood grandchildren. But there are so many kids who need homes. And I don't think I should pass on my genetics. But that's not the point right now. The point is I have no idea how to go about coming out again, this time dashing their hopes that I might ever have a "normal" life with a man. I'll basically be telling them that I'm even more of an "other" than I already was. That my life will be harder for yet another reason. I think I've even been drinking a bit more since realizing that I'm gay in hopes that maybe if I'm buzzed enough I'll just tell them and things will be easier that way. I know that's not smart and not the way to go about it and even when I'm as close to drunk as I'll ever get I just start freaking out like "What if I tell them now? THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE."
And since realizing I'm gay, I have just felt so disconnected. Even more disconnected from the media, pop culture, my straight and even bi friends, feeling alone and shit. I worry that even my bisexual friends will feel awkward. And seeing so few gay characters on TV, every song on the radio being about straightness, it's so... isolating. I feel like no one will understand, but I know that's stupid shit because a lot of people are gay and I have gay friends who I could probably talk to. Like I didn't feel isolated enough this past year with utterly fucking up with school and the PTSD.
God. Does anyone have advice? Hugs? Support? This has been driving me nuts all summer.
Ha! I just told my younger brother and he said in a very dramatic voice, like the one he uses when his D&D character talks about his hatred for Merfolk, "I ALWAYS FIGURED!" That's probably the best response I have gotten. Relieves so much awkwardness.
So. Yeah. This is public right now because. Well. It's a step, I guess. And if this post makes anyone uncomfortable, I'm sorry. That's one of my biggest fears. I'm sorry. I might f-lock it later.
I love you guys. So much. And I hate to ask more of you. Ask for more support when I am shit at helping.