just when you think things can't get worse...
yes, so more shit has gone down.
Today was a good day. I skipped the morning lecture because it was irrelevant to me. I had an IP law tutorial for which the reading was 300 pages long. I'D DONE IT, okay. I read all fucking 300 pages of it. So I was on fire in my tutorial. I knew everything and I walked out feeling good about myself. I found a spot in the massively crowded library and I was starting to get some shit done when I signed onto facebook to speak to a friend about my dissertation.
First post on my newsfeed: pictures of ElG, CdS, ES and LS, of all people, at a formal. Okay look, I don't care anymore. At least, I don't want to care. But whatever. Let me explain. These bitches and I used to live together last year. I'm sure everyone on my flist knows about what a disaster last year was, for me. Thing is, LS was not a part of it. As in, she was so busy with her boyfriend that she didn't participate at all. Everyone used to bitch about her because she used to have really loud sex with her boyfriend and it drove us all crazy. Like, mental. So yeah, no one liked her. And obviously, they didn't like me either. Apparently. Because the number of times I had to listen to them bitch about her is just incompatible with the fact that they asked her to a FORMAL.
THEY'RE FUCKING WHORES THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.
Yes, okay I'm sorry for using that word I don't believe in using it but oh MY GOD. I'M SO ANGRY MY GLASSES ARE STEAMING UP.
TONIGHT I WANT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THEY USED TO SAY ABOUT HER. WORD FOR WORD, IN GORY DETAIL. I WANT TO TELL HER. BECAUSE THEY MOVED AWAY FROM HER AND LEFT ME BEHIND. NOW THEY'RE MAKING IT LIKE THEY MOVED AWAY FROM ME AND LEFT HER BEHIND.
I'm so angry I could be SICK.
If they'd asked me, I'd have laughed in their face. And yes, fair enough, I've always been a raze-this-bridge-to-the-ground type of girl. I razed that bridge down to the ground. I did. Because they betrayed me when they moved away. CdS by moving and ES by moving away with her. Honestly I'm happier without their drama this year, and logically I don't know why I'm so angry because I have more important things to do.
But I guess if I had to articulate it, it's to do with how you're supposed to leave Uni with lifelong friends, ya know? And I would have, if not for this nonsense. I loved them like sisters. Not LS, not ElG, but I did love ES like a sister. A slightly dim witted, prone-to-boy-trouble sister. I cared for all of them. And this is what I got. I invested my love in them, instead of other people. I think that's what it is. It's a failed investment that turned around and stabbed me in the back, so I couldn't even cut my losses and run. I want to confront all of them. I want to stand there and ask exactly what it is I did to deserve that treatment.
I fully intend to leave ES a letter at the end of this term, slip it into her mail or something. I intend to ask her whether she knows how much I had to listen to about her. She can show it to whomever she likes, I don't care. Because I had to listen to CdS bitch about her. I had to listen to her nonsense too, with her problems with KB and EW and her boy troubles and her issues back at home. I gave and I gave and I gave and I never took anything back. It was never an equal friendship but I guess I deserved at least some courtesy from them. Some respect. They left me bleeding. And I'm still bleeding.
And I have friends. I'm not alone. I don't have time for all the friends I have. I have a life and ambitions and a bright future, I know that I do. I can't walk out of my building without bumping into people I know, people who want to spend time with me. I am likable and kind and friendly. I don't doubt it. I'm a filial daughter and a diligent student and I'm not not-bright. I'm well spoken and I'm a good writer and I'm knowledgeable and I hate that they make me doubt myself. I hate that they make me question my personality, my behavior, my speech. Confidence was one of the things I had going for myself. And they took that from me. I hate that instead of working on the million and one things I have to do, I'm sitting in the library and trying to not cry. And I hate them.
I hate them so much.
God. I need to get them off my facebook. This isn't good for me. I'm still in a state of shock that they asked her to accompany them to a formal. They took the effort to ask her. They could easily have excluded her but how DARE THEY. HOW DARE THEY. They took the time to ask her on facebook, or by text, because she doesn't live with them anymore. And she went. I asked her, out of courtesy to accompany me to watch Frankenstein. And she fucking asked CdS. I'm definitely still angry at her for that. She told me she felt left out, at the start of last term. Well, I'd like to know how she thinks I feel, now.
You know what? I've never wished bad things on people in my life. Not with genuine intent. I've never really hoped that someone dropped dead, in my life. I hope they drop dead. I hope they squander their lives, and that they suffer. I don't care whether they think about me or now. I don't give a fuck. But I hope they suffer, and regret, because of who they are. I want them to suffer because of their personality, because this is unacceptable. It's not. God. Drop. Fucking. Dead.
Meanwhile at home, things are apparently going down, too. My mum and my sister are desperate for my dad to leave. Honestly I don't even know what to say. I know that it's bad when she's trying to sneak calls with me when he's not around. I know he's insufferable, but he really needs a fucking project, for everyone's sanity. Apparently his bullying of my sister is escalating and he's causing trouble for my mum too. I don't even know how to help. She just wants to talk about stuff and he's always around so she ends up talking to me about other, random stuff. My life's a disaster. Also, apparently they're not turning on the internet at home, so my sister can't access it. I do not want to go home. I'm dreading it. I don't want to go at all. The thought of having to live with them, with their rules and their restrictions and their PROBLEMS makes me sick to the stomach. Like okay I know it sounds horrible but they have so many PROBLEMS. And if my grandma ends up coming to live with us, I will live under a bridge if I have to, because I can't deal with that. I cannot, will not deal with it.
I'm so fucking done with my dissertation. So fucking done.
Also yesterday I want to tesco and they didn't accept my card. I had all my food in a bag, ready to be checked out at the till and my card didn't go through. It was a disaster. I was so lucky that I bumped into a friend who'd loan me the money. It was terrifying. I don't generally feel ashamed but I was really scared because I didn't know what had happened to my card. Turns out that my current account was too low, because nothing had been transferred from the savings account. God. When I sorted it out, I was so relieved the room was spinning.
Note to the chick in the library who's clearly very incredibly ill, please go home. stop inflicting your illness on us. you can't possibly be getting any work done when you can't even take two consecutive breaths without having a coughing fit.
Today was a good day. I skipped the morning lecture because it was irrelevant to me. I had an IP law tutorial for which the reading was 300 pages long. I'D DONE IT, okay. I read all fucking 300 pages of it. So I was on fire in my tutorial. I knew everything and I walked out feeling good about myself. I found a spot in the massively crowded library and I was starting to get some shit done when I signed onto facebook to speak to a friend about my dissertation.
First post on my newsfeed: pictures of ElG, CdS, ES and LS, of all people, at a formal. Okay look, I don't care anymore. At least, I don't want to care. But whatever. Let me explain. These bitches and I used to live together last year. I'm sure everyone on my flist knows about what a disaster last year was, for me. Thing is, LS was not a part of it. As in, she was so busy with her boyfriend that she didn't participate at all. Everyone used to bitch about her because she used to have really loud sex with her boyfriend and it drove us all crazy. Like, mental. So yeah, no one liked her. And obviously, they didn't like me either. Apparently. Because the number of times I had to listen to them bitch about her is just incompatible with the fact that they asked her to a FORMAL.
THEY'RE FUCKING WHORES THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.
Yes, okay I'm sorry for using that word I don't believe in using it but oh MY GOD. I'M SO ANGRY MY GLASSES ARE STEAMING UP.
TONIGHT I WANT TO KNOCK ON HER DOOR AND ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THEY USED TO SAY ABOUT HER. WORD FOR WORD, IN GORY DETAIL. I WANT TO TELL HER. BECAUSE THEY MOVED AWAY FROM HER AND LEFT ME BEHIND. NOW THEY'RE MAKING IT LIKE THEY MOVED AWAY FROM ME AND LEFT HER BEHIND.
I'm so angry I could be SICK.
If they'd asked me, I'd have laughed in their face. And yes, fair enough, I've always been a raze-this-bridge-to-the-ground type of girl. I razed that bridge down to the ground. I did. Because they betrayed me when they moved away. CdS by moving and ES by moving away with her. Honestly I'm happier without their drama this year, and logically I don't know why I'm so angry because I have more important things to do.
But I guess if I had to articulate it, it's to do with how you're supposed to leave Uni with lifelong friends, ya know? And I would have, if not for this nonsense. I loved them like sisters. Not LS, not ElG, but I did love ES like a sister. A slightly dim witted, prone-to-boy-trouble sister. I cared for all of them. And this is what I got. I invested my love in them, instead of other people. I think that's what it is. It's a failed investment that turned around and stabbed me in the back, so I couldn't even cut my losses and run. I want to confront all of them. I want to stand there and ask exactly what it is I did to deserve that treatment.
I fully intend to leave ES a letter at the end of this term, slip it into her mail or something. I intend to ask her whether she knows how much I had to listen to about her. She can show it to whomever she likes, I don't care. Because I had to listen to CdS bitch about her. I had to listen to her nonsense too, with her problems with KB and EW and her boy troubles and her issues back at home. I gave and I gave and I gave and I never took anything back. It was never an equal friendship but I guess I deserved at least some courtesy from them. Some respect. They left me bleeding. And I'm still bleeding.
And I have friends. I'm not alone. I don't have time for all the friends I have. I have a life and ambitions and a bright future, I know that I do. I can't walk out of my building without bumping into people I know, people who want to spend time with me. I am likable and kind and friendly. I don't doubt it. I'm a filial daughter and a diligent student and I'm not not-bright. I'm well spoken and I'm a good writer and I'm knowledgeable and I hate that they make me doubt myself. I hate that they make me question my personality, my behavior, my speech. Confidence was one of the things I had going for myself. And they took that from me. I hate that instead of working on the million and one things I have to do, I'm sitting in the library and trying to not cry. And I hate them.
I hate them so much.
God. I need to get them off my facebook. This isn't good for me. I'm still in a state of shock that they asked her to accompany them to a formal. They took the effort to ask her. They could easily have excluded her but how DARE THEY. HOW DARE THEY. They took the time to ask her on facebook, or by text, because she doesn't live with them anymore. And she went. I asked her, out of courtesy to accompany me to watch Frankenstein. And she fucking asked CdS. I'm definitely still angry at her for that. She told me she felt left out, at the start of last term. Well, I'd like to know how she thinks I feel, now.
You know what? I've never wished bad things on people in my life. Not with genuine intent. I've never really hoped that someone dropped dead, in my life. I hope they drop dead. I hope they squander their lives, and that they suffer. I don't care whether they think about me or now. I don't give a fuck. But I hope they suffer, and regret, because of who they are. I want them to suffer because of their personality, because this is unacceptable. It's not. God. Drop. Fucking. Dead.
Meanwhile at home, things are apparently going down, too. My mum and my sister are desperate for my dad to leave. Honestly I don't even know what to say. I know that it's bad when she's trying to sneak calls with me when he's not around. I know he's insufferable, but he really needs a fucking project, for everyone's sanity. Apparently his bullying of my sister is escalating and he's causing trouble for my mum too. I don't even know how to help. She just wants to talk about stuff and he's always around so she ends up talking to me about other, random stuff. My life's a disaster. Also, apparently they're not turning on the internet at home, so my sister can't access it. I do not want to go home. I'm dreading it. I don't want to go at all. The thought of having to live with them, with their rules and their restrictions and their PROBLEMS makes me sick to the stomach. Like okay I know it sounds horrible but they have so many PROBLEMS. And if my grandma ends up coming to live with us, I will live under a bridge if I have to, because I can't deal with that. I cannot, will not deal with it.
I'm so fucking done with my dissertation. So fucking done.
Also yesterday I want to tesco and they didn't accept my card. I had all my food in a bag, ready to be checked out at the till and my card didn't go through. It was a disaster. I was so lucky that I bumped into a friend who'd loan me the money. It was terrifying. I don't generally feel ashamed but I was really scared because I didn't know what had happened to my card. Turns out that my current account was too low, because nothing had been transferred from the savings account. God. When I sorted it out, I was so relieved the room was spinning.
Note to the chick in the library who's clearly very incredibly ill, please go home. stop inflicting your illness on us. you can't possibly be getting any work done when you can't even take two consecutive breaths without having a coughing fit.