It's been a while since I've updated, but I think things have come to a head.
Shit seems to have calmed down and gotten worse at the same time. I'm not sure how that's possible, but it is, apparently.
1) Social life is good, actually. Surprisingly good. I've been to a bunch of parties over the past few weeks, I'm never short of things to do, or people to go out with. MT, who lives on my floor, and her friend Armless (inside joke), are my new soul mates. Mostly MT, but oh my god, I don't know how I haven't met her before this. She's slotted into my soul like a missing piece, and she's amazing. She's just the nicest person I can't even believe it, and I've hooked her into fandom and just tonight we watched the final episode of Sherlock and I held her while she cried and I felt like we truly bonded. She's amazing, and I love her. I'm so glad she's on my floor.
2) JB is still being unbearably attractive. I'm even further gone than I thought I could possibly ever be. We've been watching the lord of the rings, extended editions, for the past week and a half, interspersed with Pacific Rim (utterly disappointing - I can't understand what all the fuss was about). We went to see Lumiere last night, just the two of us. When we watch movies, we're just sitting on my bed, eating whatever (he feeds me!!! I can't believe it! HE FEEDS ME) and our sarcastic commentary is just non-stop. I love it. It's fantastic. I can let the inner bitch out and he laughs so hard. It's so much fun, making fun of stuff, I can't even breathe from how much I just want to cross the inches between us and cuddle into him. I've been dreaming about it for a while and it's getting graphic in my head. I've never been kissed, or touched by a boy before, or a girl, if we're being frank about it. But if he knocked on my door right now, and said that he was really into me and that he'd like to take me to bed, I'd let him. But there's this girl, this first year, and I hate her guts even though I don't know her, and he went to see her before she went home for the weekend, and she's coming back Monday and he bought wine for her, and I hate her so much. He bought pizza with me, and when I said I needed to cook dinner, he said he'd share his curry with me, but I have a sinking feeling that I've been designated as a bro. I want to curl up in bed and cry dramatically about it. Last night, after Lumiere, we were supposed to finish the Return of The King, and I texted him to come over and he didn't respond, and I was so fucking upset I wanted to hit my head on a wall because seriously? Seriously this is what I've become? And then this morning he texted back and said that he was sorry he hadn't replied the night before, he'd received my text at one in the morning and he hadn't wanted to wake me. I want to wring my hands because whAT. HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS. We've been making dirty jokes on facebook, and laughing at LS and her bf's sex noises through my wall, and he compiled a playlist of terrible sex music to play on my radio while I hid out in his room IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE BRO-ZONED. Normally I'd disapprove of that term on principle because he doesn't owe me anything but I WANT HIM TO NOTICE ME SO BADLY. AB had some old friends over in the kitchen today, and I said hi while I was cooking and chatted with them about LoTR and when one of them was on his way out, he asked me if I'd be around tomorrow because he'd be here all weekend, and I was so stunned I laughed because he was pretty much coming on to me and tHAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT MAKE GOAT NOISES WHAT EVEN and then I felt really bad because no, but I shouldn't have laughed and then I said sure and he left and oh god my life is a shambles the only thing I was actually upset about was the fact that JB hadn't been there to see an objective affirmation that I could be attractive to other people, even in my hoodie and trackpants and that's the thing I used to hate about people - I never want to use someone to attract someone else and that's what I would have done, oh god.
3) My academic life is falling apart. Well, no, it's not. It just feels like it is. Frequency and Intensity of break-downs has increased by a factor of two. Where I used to have them once a month, I'm now having one every two weeks. They're getting worse. I'll be walking to lectures and someone will say something about dissertation and I'll start crying and freaking out to the point of incoherence, right there, in public, in the middle of the science site. Tuesday was really bad, because yet another friend of mine said that her advisor was super helpful and that mine sounded worrying and I just broke down, and cried on three separate people. It was not a good day. I cheated on my advisor by going to another professor and asking for her 'opinion' because she's an expert and I'd marry her if I could because she's amazing like whoa, and I can only hope that it doesn't come back to bite me in the arse like fUCK. But it made me feel a lot better, and I didn't criticise anyone in front of her and I was totally PC and I hope she doesn't sell me out for politics sake. She won't. I hope she won't. I found a book that reminded me why I love law. It's called Public Law, by Adam Tomkins. It's really short and sweet and not too jargony (but still pretty jargony) and I love it. It reminds me of why I chose this discipline. There's a module called LF and it's about politics and policy making and it was sold to me because of the professor and because he said his aim was to make us 'dangerous' - his words, not mine. It's making me fucking insane because I don't know what they want from me, and I don't know how I'm going to be tested, or how I'm going to prove my understanding. It's 40% debate and 60% essay and I composed my debate in the shower today, and that was fun.
In other news, No Fear of Heights seems to be doing well. I've been hoping to connect with other law students/lawyers in fandom, because I've got a fic in planning, and I want a co-writer, and I need someone to help me hold on to faith that this shit will work out, and that I'll be okay.
4) I had a coffee with a friend of mine, KG. She's Indian, but pretty western, as far as Indian girls go. We had a coffee and chatted about everything, in between lectures. I found out that she's going to willingly get an arranged marriage. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my mum, that night. That conversation was truly upsetting. Like, genuinely, fucking disastrous. Look, I understand the attraction. Ain't nobody got time to date, ain't nobody got time fo dat. Fine. I know. I'll be busy. But I don't want to get married to someone I don't know, or love. I don't want that, at all. Mum said that it was only sensible, and no one's saying that they're going to force me to get married or anything, but they're talking about things like how if you're 26/27 and you haven't found anyone to marry, it's probably too late because all the eligible bachelors will be gone and then who'll have you and you know what? It makes me sick. it makes me feel like a commodity, that's what it does. It makes me feel like I need to be sold off, before I get too old and mouldy to be eaten, and you know what? Fuck that noise. No fucking way. I wanted to scream at her. That if someone, some fucking Indian boy gives a fuck that I'm thirty and unmarried and if his fucking family think I'm not good enough then fuck them and their high horses I don't want that, I don't want any of it. I want to fall in love. I want to feel about that person everyday, like I do about JB today. I want to know that person before I commit to them, I don't want my parents and his parents involved in everyone's business FUCK THAT. It made me so angry and I don't even know why, I'm not sure why i reacted so strongly to it. I fought with her. It wasn't a fight-fight, like a real fight, it was a heated debate. I didn't say much and I think that got the message across much more effectively than if I'd sat there screaming into Skype for an hour, but god, it upset me so much. Because it means that they still think my life will be incomplete without marriage and babies. Because I've had some hideously awkward conversations about moving in with someone before marrying them (which I fully intend to do, thanks), but that'll never be possible in Sg. No one can afford a flat without two incomes and a marriage subsidy. And I'd either be marrying an Indian man, or a Chinese man, and neither of those appeal to me at all. Not physically, not culturally. If I live in Singapore, I'm going to be loveless for a long time. And I don't see anything different in the future. I'm going to be in Sg for a while. And I think it's playing into my desperation with JB. Because I'm really attracted to him, and I really want to kiss him, and do other stuff, before I go home and live in my parents house until I get married. Fuck. That can't be the only way. I can't let that be the only way.
I'm looking at possible conversion courses for the New York Bar. It'd be difficult, but it'd be an adventure. And a new step away. So I don't have to go back to Sg. *shrugs* I'm looking at it really carefully.
Last night, after my dream about kissing JB, I dreamt about working as a lawyer in Sg, becoming a judge, and then joining the UN, and seeing what happened then. Or politics, or the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I woke up crying because if that life worked out. God. If that life worked out, I'd be happy. I'm torn between two worlds. Between my family, and between my future. I don't see how one could ever co-incide with the other. One will always drag the other down. There's no way out, unless I find work in the UK. I've applied to JP Morgan. Pray for me. I'm going to raise the idea of one more year in the UK, with my parents, paid for by me. Pray for me that it works out. I can't go back now. It's never going to be the same.
5) To compound my stress as it is, something else happened today. I told my mum about a debate that I'm going to do for that module I wrote about, above. It's about citizenship issues and I have fairly strong, coherent feelings about it. I was pretty excited in telling her about it, because I think the system in the UK (and other places, tbh) is broken pretty badly, and I was going to say it. I am going to find evidence and say in in the debate. It's a fucking debate. That's what you're supposed to do. She said to be careful, because not everyone would appreciate me saying that. And I was so disappointed. Just. It felt like she'd let me down, big-time. I love and respect my mum, she's amazing. For a person from her generation, for all her flaws and all that we disagree, she's incredibly progressive and highly intelligence and I love her so much, but I was so disappointed, it felt like she'd shut me down and like I was sinking into a puddle and I couldn't even figure out which way was up. I'm probably over-reacting but that's how I felt - how I feel. Because I go to fucking law school. I'm going to be a lawyer. An attorney, if I can help it. I'm going to be fighting for a lot of things that a lot of people don't agree with, and if I go into politics, even more so. I told her about this one, twenty percent fucking debate for one fucking module, and she told me to be careful about what I said because people might not agree with me. And while I understand that she might be just trying to take care of me, in the best way she can, this is just a symptom of the problem - it's the culture and attitude I have a problem with. Don't rock the boat. Don't say anything different. Don't be different. Here, I can say what I want to say, and people can disagree with me, but no one would tell me to not have said my opinion. And I might use my prudence to keep my mouth shut when I think it's necessary, but when I judge right, there are circles and circumstances in which it's perfectly okay to discuss, and debate, and not be apathetic, and the fact that it came from someone whom I respect so much - it's like a belly cut.
I'm so miserable and upset and I don't know what to do. I just.
Fuck. Things need to work out.
1) Social life is good, actually. Surprisingly good. I've been to a bunch of parties over the past few weeks, I'm never short of things to do, or people to go out with. MT, who lives on my floor, and her friend Armless (inside joke), are my new soul mates. Mostly MT, but oh my god, I don't know how I haven't met her before this. She's slotted into my soul like a missing piece, and she's amazing. She's just the nicest person I can't even believe it, and I've hooked her into fandom and just tonight we watched the final episode of Sherlock and I held her while she cried and I felt like we truly bonded. She's amazing, and I love her. I'm so glad she's on my floor.
2) JB is still being unbearably attractive. I'm even further gone than I thought I could possibly ever be. We've been watching the lord of the rings, extended editions, for the past week and a half, interspersed with Pacific Rim (utterly disappointing - I can't understand what all the fuss was about). We went to see Lumiere last night, just the two of us. When we watch movies, we're just sitting on my bed, eating whatever (he feeds me!!! I can't believe it! HE FEEDS ME) and our sarcastic commentary is just non-stop. I love it. It's fantastic. I can let the inner bitch out and he laughs so hard. It's so much fun, making fun of stuff, I can't even breathe from how much I just want to cross the inches between us and cuddle into him. I've been dreaming about it for a while and it's getting graphic in my head. I've never been kissed, or touched by a boy before, or a girl, if we're being frank about it. But if he knocked on my door right now, and said that he was really into me and that he'd like to take me to bed, I'd let him. But there's this girl, this first year, and I hate her guts even though I don't know her, and he went to see her before she went home for the weekend, and she's coming back Monday and he bought wine for her, and I hate her so much. He bought pizza with me, and when I said I needed to cook dinner, he said he'd share his curry with me, but I have a sinking feeling that I've been designated as a bro. I want to curl up in bed and cry dramatically about it. Last night, after Lumiere, we were supposed to finish the Return of The King, and I texted him to come over and he didn't respond, and I was so fucking upset I wanted to hit my head on a wall because seriously? Seriously this is what I've become? And then this morning he texted back and said that he was sorry he hadn't replied the night before, he'd received my text at one in the morning and he hadn't wanted to wake me. I want to wring my hands because whAT. HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS. We've been making dirty jokes on facebook, and laughing at LS and her bf's sex noises through my wall, and he compiled a playlist of terrible sex music to play on my radio while I hid out in his room IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE BRO-ZONED. Normally I'd disapprove of that term on principle because he doesn't owe me anything but I WANT HIM TO NOTICE ME SO BADLY. AB had some old friends over in the kitchen today, and I said hi while I was cooking and chatted with them about LoTR and when one of them was on his way out, he asked me if I'd be around tomorrow because he'd be here all weekend, and I was so stunned I laughed because he was pretty much coming on to me and tHAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT MAKE GOAT NOISES WHAT EVEN and then I felt really bad because no, but I shouldn't have laughed and then I said sure and he left and oh god my life is a shambles the only thing I was actually upset about was the fact that JB hadn't been there to see an objective affirmation that I could be attractive to other people, even in my hoodie and trackpants and that's the thing I used to hate about people - I never want to use someone to attract someone else and that's what I would have done, oh god.
3) My academic life is falling apart. Well, no, it's not. It just feels like it is. Frequency and Intensity of break-downs has increased by a factor of two. Where I used to have them once a month, I'm now having one every two weeks. They're getting worse. I'll be walking to lectures and someone will say something about dissertation and I'll start crying and freaking out to the point of incoherence, right there, in public, in the middle of the science site. Tuesday was really bad, because yet another friend of mine said that her advisor was super helpful and that mine sounded worrying and I just broke down, and cried on three separate people. It was not a good day. I cheated on my advisor by going to another professor and asking for her 'opinion' because she's an expert and I'd marry her if I could because she's amazing like whoa, and I can only hope that it doesn't come back to bite me in the arse like fUCK. But it made me feel a lot better, and I didn't criticise anyone in front of her and I was totally PC and I hope she doesn't sell me out for politics sake. She won't. I hope she won't. I found a book that reminded me why I love law. It's called Public Law, by Adam Tomkins. It's really short and sweet and not too jargony (but still pretty jargony) and I love it. It reminds me of why I chose this discipline. There's a module called LF and it's about politics and policy making and it was sold to me because of the professor and because he said his aim was to make us 'dangerous' - his words, not mine. It's making me fucking insane because I don't know what they want from me, and I don't know how I'm going to be tested, or how I'm going to prove my understanding. It's 40% debate and 60% essay and I composed my debate in the shower today, and that was fun.
In other news, No Fear of Heights seems to be doing well. I've been hoping to connect with other law students/lawyers in fandom, because I've got a fic in planning, and I want a co-writer, and I need someone to help me hold on to faith that this shit will work out, and that I'll be okay.
4) I had a coffee with a friend of mine, KG. She's Indian, but pretty western, as far as Indian girls go. We had a coffee and chatted about everything, in between lectures. I found out that she's going to willingly get an arranged marriage. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my mum, that night. That conversation was truly upsetting. Like, genuinely, fucking disastrous. Look, I understand the attraction. Ain't nobody got time to date, ain't nobody got time fo dat. Fine. I know. I'll be busy. But I don't want to get married to someone I don't know, or love. I don't want that, at all. Mum said that it was only sensible, and no one's saying that they're going to force me to get married or anything, but they're talking about things like how if you're 26/27 and you haven't found anyone to marry, it's probably too late because all the eligible bachelors will be gone and then who'll have you and you know what? It makes me sick. it makes me feel like a commodity, that's what it does. It makes me feel like I need to be sold off, before I get too old and mouldy to be eaten, and you know what? Fuck that noise. No fucking way. I wanted to scream at her. That if someone, some fucking Indian boy gives a fuck that I'm thirty and unmarried and if his fucking family think I'm not good enough then fuck them and their high horses I don't want that, I don't want any of it. I want to fall in love. I want to feel about that person everyday, like I do about JB today. I want to know that person before I commit to them, I don't want my parents and his parents involved in everyone's business FUCK THAT. It made me so angry and I don't even know why, I'm not sure why i reacted so strongly to it. I fought with her. It wasn't a fight-fight, like a real fight, it was a heated debate. I didn't say much and I think that got the message across much more effectively than if I'd sat there screaming into Skype for an hour, but god, it upset me so much. Because it means that they still think my life will be incomplete without marriage and babies. Because I've had some hideously awkward conversations about moving in with someone before marrying them (which I fully intend to do, thanks), but that'll never be possible in Sg. No one can afford a flat without two incomes and a marriage subsidy. And I'd either be marrying an Indian man, or a Chinese man, and neither of those appeal to me at all. Not physically, not culturally. If I live in Singapore, I'm going to be loveless for a long time. And I don't see anything different in the future. I'm going to be in Sg for a while. And I think it's playing into my desperation with JB. Because I'm really attracted to him, and I really want to kiss him, and do other stuff, before I go home and live in my parents house until I get married. Fuck. That can't be the only way. I can't let that be the only way.
I'm looking at possible conversion courses for the New York Bar. It'd be difficult, but it'd be an adventure. And a new step away. So I don't have to go back to Sg. *shrugs* I'm looking at it really carefully.
Last night, after my dream about kissing JB, I dreamt about working as a lawyer in Sg, becoming a judge, and then joining the UN, and seeing what happened then. Or politics, or the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. I woke up crying because if that life worked out. God. If that life worked out, I'd be happy. I'm torn between two worlds. Between my family, and between my future. I don't see how one could ever co-incide with the other. One will always drag the other down. There's no way out, unless I find work in the UK. I've applied to JP Morgan. Pray for me. I'm going to raise the idea of one more year in the UK, with my parents, paid for by me. Pray for me that it works out. I can't go back now. It's never going to be the same.
5) To compound my stress as it is, something else happened today. I told my mum about a debate that I'm going to do for that module I wrote about, above. It's about citizenship issues and I have fairly strong, coherent feelings about it. I was pretty excited in telling her about it, because I think the system in the UK (and other places, tbh) is broken pretty badly, and I was going to say it. I am going to find evidence and say in in the debate. It's a fucking debate. That's what you're supposed to do. She said to be careful, because not everyone would appreciate me saying that. And I was so disappointed. Just. It felt like she'd let me down, big-time. I love and respect my mum, she's amazing. For a person from her generation, for all her flaws and all that we disagree, she's incredibly progressive and highly intelligence and I love her so much, but I was so disappointed, it felt like she'd shut me down and like I was sinking into a puddle and I couldn't even figure out which way was up. I'm probably over-reacting but that's how I felt - how I feel. Because I go to fucking law school. I'm going to be a lawyer. An attorney, if I can help it. I'm going to be fighting for a lot of things that a lot of people don't agree with, and if I go into politics, even more so. I told her about this one, twenty percent fucking debate for one fucking module, and she told me to be careful about what I said because people might not agree with me. And while I understand that she might be just trying to take care of me, in the best way she can, this is just a symptom of the problem - it's the culture and attitude I have a problem with. Don't rock the boat. Don't say anything different. Don't be different. Here, I can say what I want to say, and people can disagree with me, but no one would tell me to not have said my opinion. And I might use my prudence to keep my mouth shut when I think it's necessary, but when I judge right, there are circles and circumstances in which it's perfectly okay to discuss, and debate, and not be apathetic, and the fact that it came from someone whom I respect so much - it's like a belly cut.
I'm so miserable and upset and I don't know what to do. I just.
Fuck. Things need to work out.