Some shitty stuff's been happening
My mum went for a mammogram two weeks ago. She just got the report. They've said that her BIRADS score is 3. This means that whatever they've found, some white spotting, is 'Probably Benign'. The criteria for this classification is: "Findings that have a high probability of being benign (>98%); six-month short interval follow-up". Naturally we're all shit scared.
The doctors are being supremely unhelpful. They're all saying that they can't confirm anything yet, that she just has to wait for six months. They're all saying that it's not good, but no one's saying that it's bad either. I just wish my family could be fucking okay. I'm so exhausted from this barrage of bad news. I'm just tired of it all, I want to sit in my room and cry.
My dad's health insurance was capped, because he now has three markers (cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar). They're not cancelling it or anything, they're just saying they can't increase it as per the plan. That's fucking bullshit. It's his medical insurance from the job and I don't understand how they have the right to do that.
My sister told my mum to go to her book club, so that she'd feel a bit better after she met her friends. My mum lashed out at her, and this is one of the few times I'm on my sister's side, against my mum. It was unfair to lash out against my sister. She was being honest, and showing her concern, and trying to help. It's not like my sister doesn't have her own problems, she's got major exams on coming and she's working so hard. My mum's changing, and I'm not sure I like it, or if it's for the better. Her menses is going haywire, and she's trying to do cleaning for the new year, and she's trying to cope with the cooking for my dad because they can't eat out anymore, for his health. She's got everything on the same priority level and she's not listening to sense. She can't do everything, but nothing anyone can say will convince her of that fact. She thinks it has to be done.
Her business has slowed down, but she's not devastated about it, I think. She's just filling up the time by doing other stuff, but she's not growing any younger.
My life is spiraling slowly out of control. I'm working as hard as I can manage, but I'm also very distracted because I don't want to work. I had two tutorials yesterday. One went very well. The other one was horrible, because the guy who knows everything was in it. I walked out feeling like a complete fucking waste of space, and had a breakdown in the five minutes it took me to get to the other class. I walked in with red eyes and I was a mess and thankfully no one said anything. My first dissertation deadline is on November the 15th. It's only a thousand words, and it shouldn't be a problem. But there's so much fucking reading to do. The subject is just vast, and extensive. There's literally no end to it. Everyone who's ever written anything for law has an opinion on this topic, and it's making me crazy.
My food thing has gone bad again. I just feel sick all the time. The nausea doesn't stop. I'm having nightmares again. Every single night. Night after night. I get squashed by a train and I wake up. I get hunted by massive spiders and I wake up. I get pitched off a bridge and I wake up. I drown and I wake up. Mornings are a torture because I wake up gasping and shaking and I can't function until at least half an hour later.
The one positive thing about this week is that I'm going to watch Frankenstein in Newcastle this Thursday. I'm glad I booked the tickets in advance because if I hadn't, I'd probably have skipped out on it. LS asked CdS to come along, against my wishes. I want nothing to do with CdS. Nothing. I never want to see her face again. She's pretending that everything's okay, but fuck her. It's not. I feel like curling into the fetal position on the ground and never getting up.
I've run out of pasta and loo roll. I don't want to go out and get them. I keep saying I will, each day after my lectures. I always end up borrowing books from the library and not making it.
I was excited because I'd written an article for the US government shutdown, for a uni newspaper. It was supposed to be published last Wednesday. The editor forgot, and today I saw on facebook, someone else had published an article on the exact same thing in a competing newspaper. I felt like crying.
I don't know how much longer it can go on like this. I'm scrabbling for something to hold on to but there's nothing here. Everything's just everywhere and I'm just so hurt and angry and upset. I'm tired of being upset. I just want to be okay. I can't even talk to my mother because she has her own problems. Dad would never understand. My sister's too busy. And I have no one.
The doctors are being supremely unhelpful. They're all saying that they can't confirm anything yet, that she just has to wait for six months. They're all saying that it's not good, but no one's saying that it's bad either. I just wish my family could be fucking okay. I'm so exhausted from this barrage of bad news. I'm just tired of it all, I want to sit in my room and cry.
My dad's health insurance was capped, because he now has three markers (cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar). They're not cancelling it or anything, they're just saying they can't increase it as per the plan. That's fucking bullshit. It's his medical insurance from the job and I don't understand how they have the right to do that.
My sister told my mum to go to her book club, so that she'd feel a bit better after she met her friends. My mum lashed out at her, and this is one of the few times I'm on my sister's side, against my mum. It was unfair to lash out against my sister. She was being honest, and showing her concern, and trying to help. It's not like my sister doesn't have her own problems, she's got major exams on coming and she's working so hard. My mum's changing, and I'm not sure I like it, or if it's for the better. Her menses is going haywire, and she's trying to do cleaning for the new year, and she's trying to cope with the cooking for my dad because they can't eat out anymore, for his health. She's got everything on the same priority level and she's not listening to sense. She can't do everything, but nothing anyone can say will convince her of that fact. She thinks it has to be done.
Her business has slowed down, but she's not devastated about it, I think. She's just filling up the time by doing other stuff, but she's not growing any younger.
My life is spiraling slowly out of control. I'm working as hard as I can manage, but I'm also very distracted because I don't want to work. I had two tutorials yesterday. One went very well. The other one was horrible, because the guy who knows everything was in it. I walked out feeling like a complete fucking waste of space, and had a breakdown in the five minutes it took me to get to the other class. I walked in with red eyes and I was a mess and thankfully no one said anything. My first dissertation deadline is on November the 15th. It's only a thousand words, and it shouldn't be a problem. But there's so much fucking reading to do. The subject is just vast, and extensive. There's literally no end to it. Everyone who's ever written anything for law has an opinion on this topic, and it's making me crazy.
My food thing has gone bad again. I just feel sick all the time. The nausea doesn't stop. I'm having nightmares again. Every single night. Night after night. I get squashed by a train and I wake up. I get hunted by massive spiders and I wake up. I get pitched off a bridge and I wake up. I drown and I wake up. Mornings are a torture because I wake up gasping and shaking and I can't function until at least half an hour later.
The one positive thing about this week is that I'm going to watch Frankenstein in Newcastle this Thursday. I'm glad I booked the tickets in advance because if I hadn't, I'd probably have skipped out on it. LS asked CdS to come along, against my wishes. I want nothing to do with CdS. Nothing. I never want to see her face again. She's pretending that everything's okay, but fuck her. It's not. I feel like curling into the fetal position on the ground and never getting up.
I've run out of pasta and loo roll. I don't want to go out and get them. I keep saying I will, each day after my lectures. I always end up borrowing books from the library and not making it.
I was excited because I'd written an article for the US government shutdown, for a uni newspaper. It was supposed to be published last Wednesday. The editor forgot, and today I saw on facebook, someone else had published an article on the exact same thing in a competing newspaper. I felt like crying.
I don't know how much longer it can go on like this. I'm scrabbling for something to hold on to but there's nothing here. Everything's just everywhere and I'm just so hurt and angry and upset. I'm tired of being upset. I just want to be okay. I can't even talk to my mother because she has her own problems. Dad would never understand. My sister's too busy. And I have no one.