The bitter glass (Ie: this is an angry textblock. Yadda yadda.)
Don't you love the way I get back my internet and suddenly nobody's on all afternoon? Irony makes me grin IRL. It really shouldn't...
Oh, and I've been pinging my closet masochistic nerd surrounded by ninjas all over dear_mun (That's Gau Meguro for you) and he's attracted about...three Yoites so far, an awesome Thobari who's giving him dating advice, and another Gau who thinks he's a prude and needs to make a move on Raikou already so they can have sex all over the place.
I've been laughing so hard... That kid...
I mean...even Yoite's been messing with him. Yoite.
Not that I mind, considering I think RaikouXGauXYoite is pretty interesting...
But really now, Yoite's got as much of a sense of humor or a sense of sadism as a plank of wood. He called him "MAMA". It was AWESOME.
On the real RP, it's been fun, but kind of...odd. Hizumi's actually more or less gotten tired of Hiyono accusing him of things. (Because he's STILL A GIRL and therefore filled with unusual hormones which make him impatient and make Ayumu spill that he's been canon updated, which gives Hizumi PROBLEMS. Nothing beats logic like violence estrogen.) So he's actually being surprisingly mean for him. "Help me help Ayumu, Hizumi-kun!" And he SHUTS HER DOWN and says pretty much that she's just trying to point out that it's him again. And he goes on about how only Ayumu needs her because he gives up halfway on everything, but he's different...
HARSH.
He said it like it didn't mean anything, but maaaaaan, Hizumi...He's a real matter-of-fact bitch when he's a girl. And what's scarier is that he CAN plausibly get away with it all. There's no hole at all in his lied out logic. There's not much gap for Hiyono at all. He actually managed to do it, and she can't really get him back! Hizumi's SCARY! and I'm puppetting him! I feel like crap for doing that as him! XD
Oh, but he likes Raikou a whole lot, and Tielle, too. He wants to go DDR downtown with Raikou, Ayumu, Hiyono, and Gau. And he thinks Tielle, OC vampire lady in another dimension, is a LARPer with a crush on the local questing guy who's coming by to cause trouble for her.
*sigh*
So...yeah...aside from RP which has been interesting, but i can't seem to get enough of?
My grandmother's experimental cancer medication is working well on the disease, but it's changing her personality like anything. As in, she now stands on street corners every morning and pickets radical republicanism, and called up my dad and demanded he ground me for not having a summer job.
(Actually, I'm not joking, and it's not a colorful, sardonic euphemism: she's literally standing on street corners with a neon sign, and I'm grounded by my dad because she complained about me even though she's two hours away...)
...It gives me a headache just thinking about it.
Being angry tires me, (Or I jsut get tired instead of getting angry) and that made me angry and tired both. There's no logic behind it--that's what really bothers me. It's such a pointless gesture relying on my father's obedience. I mean: how will grounding me actually help me get a job faster, I wonder? Or ranting about how my hair is the factor preventing me from being hired? How does that help me get a job faster, pray tell? Complaining about me like that...
I'm used to having my grandparents mildly ashamed of me and feeling bad about it.
I'm not used to feeling mildly ashamed of my grandparents.
OR being mad at them. Ever. Usually I'm scared of their disapproval.
Funny thing there: if I want their approval, their disapproval has to make sense.
The irrational annoyed bits of myself had a flash of wanting to do something dumb and teenage to make a point, like getting a tattoo, just so they'd really have something to get so worked up about.
I need a job.
Fine. Yes.
Telling me I can't be out of the house until I have two interviews is...ingracious, though, I think.
I'm having trouble being hired mostly because I'm monolingual and my job experience is all with phones, and nobody hires you for that down here unless you're bilingual. Not to mention, most places AREN'T HIRING still around where I am. Punishing me and calling me names really isn't going to get anywhere, and...I really don't expect that sort of thing intentionally coming from them.
Ugh.
If I don't get that job, I have no school next semester.
My usually patient, loving grandmother shouting to my father through tears that I'm going to be a useless lump that bleeds him dry forever (In those exact words, too) is...just...
I don't know what to say to her about that. I don't have the savings to move out--which would be the most extreme measure possible. And cutting myself off from my family in any measure is...well...just me thinking of extreme measures because I'm unhappy, no doubt.
But...she called me a drug addict.
Me. Who doesn't ever want to smoke or drink, much less do hard drugs or such.
That's...not my grandmother. It just can't be. She's called me things without meaning before, or laid implications, but...not like that. It was always out of fear to some extent, too, out of wanting the best for me. Not out of some weird dominance thing where she thinks the only way to get what she wants is to kick me in the pants.
I'm having a really hard time knowing what I want to do about it--even got all tight-throated, though I can't really cry or anything. (The tears just don't come. I have a hard time explaining that to people.)
I still don't know what I want to do about it, but the anger's still there, and I spent the whole day carefully NOT searching for a job so my dad doesn't get the chance to tell his mother what a fire she put under my tail in all approving tones. He's getting pretty strange and evasive about what he tells her, too. Why is my family suddenly sprouting all these personality disorders?
Mm...well...that got put on my plate yesterday, anyway.
And I was a bit low before that since Sunday when Em and Joanna had a concert of "Ballads and Sundry". I just get depressed now about Em. My sister being there trying to encourage me to run up and hug her when she's surrounded by other people just rubbed it in. Her best friend's coming back from Iceland tomorrow, even. My best friend growing up's only friends with me out of habit on her end, to paraphrase.
Depressing. I wore myself into a neat little hole over that earlier. RP was helping me out some when it came to dealing with both of those without getting openly angry at anyone.
And then there's nobody on...?
Depressing.
Jakkun at least was pleased with me yesterday. He's still fiddling things around on his computer and such, and ran into some trouble in his RP, and apparently liked the silly advice I gave. (Improvement on being consulted about character killing, though...) So he wants to get together to do some RP off someplace. He's thinking Deathnote, and picked out Mello, and asked if I could pull a Matt out of my ass. (My term, not his.)
I had to laugh. Out of all the characters I was thinking of, Matt didn't even show up. I never paid much attention to him, I guess, but I guess he's the most popular fanonized minor character out there...
I'm going ot have to figure out who Matt IS, pretty much. Maybe I can poke Semi-san for advice there...
Hmm. Goggles and leather pants. And logic, surveilance, and chocolate. Well it sounds cracky enough for me already, at least...
But really, I'm just pretty tired and fed up with a lot of stuff that's on my plate, and when I'm annoyed, I'm inert as a rock.
Hah. Let my grandmother eat CAKE.
I love her like anything, or it wouldn't bother me so much that she's being injust to me. We lived with my grandparents for a while, though. But the annoying thing is that to them I'm the person I was when I was fifteen. Either that, or I've got to be a carbon copy of my cousin, who's wonderful but...well...she looks like a real-life toothpaste commercial.
(Perfect little christian girl, homeschooled, jsut graduated from school as a nurse, and got a job doing E.R. work which she loves. Married at nineteen to a christian toothpaste-commercial guy, who's...pretty cool, actually, but still so artificially perfect looking that it's unnerving. I love Rake, too, but being compared to her...? I could never do what she does.
She's humble, too, and thinks she's dull, even, which just makes her even more amazing as a person. She really is...wonderful. But I can't BE her. She's smart, hard-working, and one of those people that it's truly a privilege just to know, much less be related to. You only get one of her in a lifetime, I think.)
So, I'm depressed, right, whatever. I do that often enough lately, or at least vent about it here. The difference is this one's being harder to shake off. If I ever say anything to my grandparents, I won't jsut have to deal with them.
My dad will KILL me.
It'd hurt him, too, that is. He's scared to death for my grandma's health. He's convinced even the slightest trouble could kill her. Living like that...
I don't think this is something I can win.
But how long I'm going to possibly have to endure something I don't deserve...? Well I'm not looking forward to it.
Out of practice, no doubt.
Being bullied by my family members? Now that's ironic.
Garbage.
Oh, and I've been pinging my closet masochistic nerd surrounded by ninjas all over dear_mun (That's Gau Meguro for you) and he's attracted about...three Yoites so far, an awesome Thobari who's giving him dating advice, and another Gau who thinks he's a prude and needs to make a move on Raikou already so they can have sex all over the place.
I've been laughing so hard... That kid...
I mean...even Yoite's been messing with him. Yoite.
Not that I mind, considering I think RaikouXGauXYoite is pretty interesting...
But really now, Yoite's got as much of a sense of humor or a sense of sadism as a plank of wood. He called him "MAMA". It was AWESOME.
On the real RP, it's been fun, but kind of...odd. Hizumi's actually more or less gotten tired of Hiyono accusing him of things. (Because he's STILL A GIRL and therefore filled with unusual hormones which make him impatient and make Ayumu spill that he's been canon updated, which gives Hizumi PROBLEMS. Nothing beats logic like violence estrogen.) So he's actually being surprisingly mean for him. "Help me help Ayumu, Hizumi-kun!" And he SHUTS HER DOWN and says pretty much that she's just trying to point out that it's him again. And he goes on about how only Ayumu needs her because he gives up halfway on everything, but he's different...
HARSH.
He said it like it didn't mean anything, but maaaaaan, Hizumi...He's a real matter-of-fact bitch when he's a girl. And what's scarier is that he CAN plausibly get away with it all. There's no hole at all in his lied out logic. There's not much gap for Hiyono at all. He actually managed to do it, and she can't really get him back! Hizumi's SCARY! and I'm puppetting him! I feel like crap for doing that as him! XD
Oh, but he likes Raikou a whole lot, and Tielle, too. He wants to go DDR downtown with Raikou, Ayumu, Hiyono, and Gau. And he thinks Tielle, OC vampire lady in another dimension, is a LARPer with a crush on the local questing guy who's coming by to cause trouble for her.
*sigh*
So...yeah...aside from RP which has been interesting, but i can't seem to get enough of?
My grandmother's experimental cancer medication is working well on the disease, but it's changing her personality like anything. As in, she now stands on street corners every morning and pickets radical republicanism, and called up my dad and demanded he ground me for not having a summer job.
(Actually, I'm not joking, and it's not a colorful, sardonic euphemism: she's literally standing on street corners with a neon sign, and I'm grounded by my dad because she complained about me even though she's two hours away...)
...It gives me a headache just thinking about it.
Being angry tires me, (Or I jsut get tired instead of getting angry) and that made me angry and tired both. There's no logic behind it--that's what really bothers me. It's such a pointless gesture relying on my father's obedience. I mean: how will grounding me actually help me get a job faster, I wonder? Or ranting about how my hair is the factor preventing me from being hired? How does that help me get a job faster, pray tell? Complaining about me like that...
I'm used to having my grandparents mildly ashamed of me and feeling bad about it.
I'm not used to feeling mildly ashamed of my grandparents.
OR being mad at them. Ever. Usually I'm scared of their disapproval.
Funny thing there: if I want their approval, their disapproval has to make sense.
The irrational annoyed bits of myself had a flash of wanting to do something dumb and teenage to make a point, like getting a tattoo, just so they'd really have something to get so worked up about.
I need a job.
Fine. Yes.
Telling me I can't be out of the house until I have two interviews is...ingracious, though, I think.
I'm having trouble being hired mostly because I'm monolingual and my job experience is all with phones, and nobody hires you for that down here unless you're bilingual. Not to mention, most places AREN'T HIRING still around where I am. Punishing me and calling me names really isn't going to get anywhere, and...I really don't expect that sort of thing intentionally coming from them.
Ugh.
If I don't get that job, I have no school next semester.
My usually patient, loving grandmother shouting to my father through tears that I'm going to be a useless lump that bleeds him dry forever (In those exact words, too) is...just...
I don't know what to say to her about that. I don't have the savings to move out--which would be the most extreme measure possible. And cutting myself off from my family in any measure is...well...just me thinking of extreme measures because I'm unhappy, no doubt.
But...she called me a drug addict.
Me. Who doesn't ever want to smoke or drink, much less do hard drugs or such.
That's...not my grandmother. It just can't be. She's called me things without meaning before, or laid implications, but...not like that. It was always out of fear to some extent, too, out of wanting the best for me. Not out of some weird dominance thing where she thinks the only way to get what she wants is to kick me in the pants.
I'm having a really hard time knowing what I want to do about it--even got all tight-throated, though I can't really cry or anything. (The tears just don't come. I have a hard time explaining that to people.)
I still don't know what I want to do about it, but the anger's still there, and I spent the whole day carefully NOT searching for a job so my dad doesn't get the chance to tell his mother what a fire she put under my tail in all approving tones. He's getting pretty strange and evasive about what he tells her, too. Why is my family suddenly sprouting all these personality disorders?
Mm...well...that got put on my plate yesterday, anyway.
And I was a bit low before that since Sunday when Em and Joanna had a concert of "Ballads and Sundry". I just get depressed now about Em. My sister being there trying to encourage me to run up and hug her when she's surrounded by other people just rubbed it in. Her best friend's coming back from Iceland tomorrow, even. My best friend growing up's only friends with me out of habit on her end, to paraphrase.
Depressing. I wore myself into a neat little hole over that earlier. RP was helping me out some when it came to dealing with both of those without getting openly angry at anyone.
And then there's nobody on...?
Depressing.
Jakkun at least was pleased with me yesterday. He's still fiddling things around on his computer and such, and ran into some trouble in his RP, and apparently liked the silly advice I gave. (Improvement on being consulted about character killing, though...) So he wants to get together to do some RP off someplace. He's thinking Deathnote, and picked out Mello, and asked if I could pull a Matt out of my ass. (My term, not his.)
I had to laugh. Out of all the characters I was thinking of, Matt didn't even show up. I never paid much attention to him, I guess, but I guess he's the most popular fanonized minor character out there...
I'm going ot have to figure out who Matt IS, pretty much. Maybe I can poke Semi-san for advice there...
Hmm. Goggles and leather pants. And logic, surveilance, and chocolate. Well it sounds cracky enough for me already, at least...
But really, I'm just pretty tired and fed up with a lot of stuff that's on my plate, and when I'm annoyed, I'm inert as a rock.
Hah. Let my grandmother eat CAKE.
I love her like anything, or it wouldn't bother me so much that she's being injust to me. We lived with my grandparents for a while, though. But the annoying thing is that to them I'm the person I was when I was fifteen. Either that, or I've got to be a carbon copy of my cousin, who's wonderful but...well...she looks like a real-life toothpaste commercial.
(Perfect little christian girl, homeschooled, jsut graduated from school as a nurse, and got a job doing E.R. work which she loves. Married at nineteen to a christian toothpaste-commercial guy, who's...pretty cool, actually, but still so artificially perfect looking that it's unnerving. I love Rake, too, but being compared to her...? I could never do what she does.
She's humble, too, and thinks she's dull, even, which just makes her even more amazing as a person. She really is...wonderful. But I can't BE her. She's smart, hard-working, and one of those people that it's truly a privilege just to know, much less be related to. You only get one of her in a lifetime, I think.)
So, I'm depressed, right, whatever. I do that often enough lately, or at least vent about it here. The difference is this one's being harder to shake off. If I ever say anything to my grandparents, I won't jsut have to deal with them.
My dad will KILL me.
It'd hurt him, too, that is. He's scared to death for my grandma's health. He's convinced even the slightest trouble could kill her. Living like that...
I don't think this is something I can win.
But how long I'm going to possibly have to endure something I don't deserve...? Well I'm not looking forward to it.
Out of practice, no doubt.
Being bullied by my family members? Now that's ironic.
Garbage.