(no subject)
I dont know why I am feeling like this all of the time. I cant seem to deal with anything. Everything little is blown way out of proportion. I dont tell people most of the things that happen in my house. I dont like telling people. It makes me feel weak. Like I wont be able to look them in the face anymore. If that makes sense to you. I haven't even told some of my friends the stuff that I deal with. I haven't told them anything. They have absolutely no idea what is going on, they think things are fine. But I WANT them to think that. Telling them just seems to make me feel worse than I did. I spend the majority of my time in my room listening to music. Trying to drown away the thoughts I do not wish to deal with. I hate crying, yet thats what it always comes to. I hate crying in school the most. I dont want people to see that side of me. I dont cry in front of anyone, besides Larissa and Leeanna. And as of today, Eva. Today after school, I waited for Kevin and Ryan to leave before I told lee the horrible thing, and tears started streaming down my face. I tried to hide it by putting my face on Leeanna's shoulder. It worked. I cant stop picturing her face when I told her. The look is forever burned into my eyes. Her jaw dropped. I knew what she was thinking, I was thinking the same thing, "How could this have happened?" I always seem to have that feeling you get right before you start crying. It makes me feel nauseous. And I wonder how all of this started. I feel somewhat to blame. Is it my fault? Obviously her therapist isn't helping. My entire family is worried. I want to leave so badly. Try and save whats left of my sanity. But I feel guilty. She IS my mom. I cant just abandon her. But if I stay, what will happen to me?