Finally...
"I can't believe this thing is still floating in cyberspace. I also can't believe I still remember the password. I highly doubt that anyone will ever read this. I haven't thought about the days when this website was my voice in the darkness. So long ago it seems when we used to make friendships and wage wars over this "journal".
I'm 20 years old now. Its almost like a dream sometimes. Just waiting to wake up and still be 10 or 13. ("One day you will be nostalgic for now.") I've wasted so much time with selfish nonsense over the past few years, and I almost wish I'd never deprived myself of all the wonderful things around me. But "almost" is the tricky word because in hindsight I wouldn't give a single experience away seeing as how they have all combined to make me who I am today. And for the first time since my birthing breath (that I can recall) I am able to hold my head high and honestly declare that I am proud of who I am and what I do.
I'm not here to judge or be judged. I'm not here to please or be pleased. I'm not here to win or be won. I'm not here to hurt or be pained. I'm here to soak up as much of the glory of this existence as I possibly can.
I've spent too much time looking for revenge. Trying to lash out at life's disappointments is futile in the worst ways imaginable. I've come to understand these letdowns, and use them to better myself. I've spent far too much time wallowing in self-pity and loathing. Too much of who I am was hidden beneath pathological lies because I was too fucking scared to stand firm in my convictions. Terrified that I would never be good enough. Not anymore. I don't want to be a casualty of my own grief and stupidity.(Most of which I brought upon my own head simply from acting out of irrationality.)
I've been given everything I've ever asked for, no matter how hard the road getting to it was. Sometimes I've been so rapt in myself that I lost track of the goals only to realize later that I had stumbled into success all along. I've been given all the people I've ever prayed for, even though I never seem to recognize them for who they are at first.
I'm not concerned with impressing people anymore because your opinion doesn't matter unless I allow it to have such power.
I still have a long way to go, but I know that no matter how difficult things get around here, no matter how powerful the turbulence, I'll always be able to weather it. My only regret it that it has taken all of this pain, heartache, and anger to see what was around me the entire time.
Thank you so much for loving me despite all of my shortcomings. Thank you for playing along with all of my stupid games. I wish I had snapped out of this sooner but I had to learn so many lessons the hard way. But they are lessons that I will never turn my back on. I'm sorry for not always being there and for running away when I felt backed into a corner. Thank you for all the amazing things you have all done for me over the years dating all the way back to highschool.
I've never felt more alive or more real than I do now. As though a thumbscrew has been lifted. I don't know if I can ever make up for some of the stunts I have pulled in the past but I beg your forgiveness for my stubborn foolishness. I've spent too many years now trying to assign blame in everyone else but me. And thats where the root of all my problems began, within me. So call me. I'm not hiding anymore so whenever you're ready to get back in touch, if ever, just let me know. Thank you for taking time out to read this.
This is the very last blog I will ever publish (publicly) on the internet. You have my solemn word.
Eternally,
Justin Anglin
I'm 20 years old now. Its almost like a dream sometimes. Just waiting to wake up and still be 10 or 13. ("One day you will be nostalgic for now.") I've wasted so much time with selfish nonsense over the past few years, and I almost wish I'd never deprived myself of all the wonderful things around me. But "almost" is the tricky word because in hindsight I wouldn't give a single experience away seeing as how they have all combined to make me who I am today. And for the first time since my birthing breath (that I can recall) I am able to hold my head high and honestly declare that I am proud of who I am and what I do.
I'm not here to judge or be judged. I'm not here to please or be pleased. I'm not here to win or be won. I'm not here to hurt or be pained. I'm here to soak up as much of the glory of this existence as I possibly can.
I've spent too much time looking for revenge. Trying to lash out at life's disappointments is futile in the worst ways imaginable. I've come to understand these letdowns, and use them to better myself. I've spent far too much time wallowing in self-pity and loathing. Too much of who I am was hidden beneath pathological lies because I was too fucking scared to stand firm in my convictions. Terrified that I would never be good enough. Not anymore. I don't want to be a casualty of my own grief and stupidity.(Most of which I brought upon my own head simply from acting out of irrationality.)
I've been given everything I've ever asked for, no matter how hard the road getting to it was. Sometimes I've been so rapt in myself that I lost track of the goals only to realize later that I had stumbled into success all along. I've been given all the people I've ever prayed for, even though I never seem to recognize them for who they are at first.
I'm not concerned with impressing people anymore because your opinion doesn't matter unless I allow it to have such power.
I still have a long way to go, but I know that no matter how difficult things get around here, no matter how powerful the turbulence, I'll always be able to weather it. My only regret it that it has taken all of this pain, heartache, and anger to see what was around me the entire time.
Thank you so much for loving me despite all of my shortcomings. Thank you for playing along with all of my stupid games. I wish I had snapped out of this sooner but I had to learn so many lessons the hard way. But they are lessons that I will never turn my back on. I'm sorry for not always being there and for running away when I felt backed into a corner. Thank you for all the amazing things you have all done for me over the years dating all the way back to highschool.
I've never felt more alive or more real than I do now. As though a thumbscrew has been lifted. I don't know if I can ever make up for some of the stunts I have pulled in the past but I beg your forgiveness for my stubborn foolishness. I've spent too many years now trying to assign blame in everyone else but me. And thats where the root of all my problems began, within me. So call me. I'm not hiding anymore so whenever you're ready to get back in touch, if ever, just let me know. Thank you for taking time out to read this.
This is the very last blog I will ever publish (publicly) on the internet. You have my solemn word.
Eternally,
Justin Anglin