over thought
have you ever heard the phrase, "never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option" ? this has been running through my mind nonstop lately, and its no wonder why, im an option to her, the level of spice she chooses at the thai restaurant down the street. or even the restaurant she may want to dine at, the priority is thai food, she doesnt care where it comes from. for two years i have been chasing the woman of my dreams and im really starting to get sick of this hamster wheel she keeps me in. we met in january of 08, and were a couple by march, four days in she cheats on me with one of her old flings. i had never been cheated on before, i didnt really know how to handle the sting it left, i smacked her hard across the face in front of all her friends, her eyes welled with tears and i felt an immense sorrow build in my heart. it was two firsts in one night, never before had i hit a woman out of anger, i was disgusted equally with both our actions. things were good for a while after that. a couple silly fights here and there, an empty argument to pass the time, and then like a ton of bricks, about four months in she cheated on me again. i didnt smack her this time, i showed compassion, even let myself believe it wasnt her fault, which it wasnt entirely but she still chose to put herself in that situation. it quite obviously wasnt the first time she had done it, but i blindly hoped it was the last. by the time we were together for a year and half she had cheated on me fourteen times and to top that off we had a restraining order filed and dropped, a domestic violence charge, and a civil restraints. she left me for grrl number fourteen, they dated for about five months. shes still seeing her now, but shes seeing us both. thats right, its like an episode of big love, except us two wives arent happy about our hubby and his poly-amorous lifestyle. she says she loves us both, but shes only in love with me. she wants to live with me, but its easier to live with her. ive loved this grrl since the moment i laid eyes on her. horrible as it sounds our first kiss was spin the bottle, i was too scared to just go up and kiss the grrl! ironically enough, though it was a poor devised plan it had a most splendorous outcome, it was one of those cheesy movie moment kisses walking up to one another arms out stretched lip lock and then there it was with out the will of thought, she lifted her foot. i know most of this must sound crazy to anyone with a half a brain or sound of mind, but thats just it, you cant be crazy in love without the crazy, and i am one hundred percent crazy in love with this grrl. i dont want to have to play these games with her anymore, i just want it to all come easy and fit together and it doesnt even have to be perfectly, just best as it can. ive been asking myself if i should be strong for her and stay, or be strong for me and leave. i know no matter what i choose or where i go my every breath will find its way back to her. she is undoubtly my heroin.