oregon
so before i left for oregon, a dear friend of mine, and i think my only livejournal friend asked me if i was going to update my livejournal so that she could see what is going on in my life, i probibly said maybe or something of an undifined mannor, well either way last night i was bored and awake so i ranted about life in a three page micosoft word for mac document. so noelle, this is for you
Its 2 am I should go to bed, I drank to much mate today, that shit will keep you wired… what the fuck am I doing? I am having a conversation with myself at two in the morning, over Microsoft word for Mac… that’s great… I guess that is what a diary is though, just a conversation with yourself that someone might read while snooping. I wonder if this would be a good way to vent anger or aggression? Probably, seeing as my poetry for the evening isn’t coming out at all… I wonder why, I mean I can write a first line and sometimes a second but after that it all goes downhill. And by downhill I mean that I can’t come up with anything after that. I need something that will inspire me more than two prose, shouldn’t be too hard should it? What do you know; you are a computer… so you know what I tell you to know, what I program you to know, and seeing as I am not a computer programmer I cant program you to know what would inspire me more than two prose. 2:06… those squiggly lines underneath words when you spell them wrong or make a grammatical error are really annoying… so I guess I have a diary now, I will probably get lazy and never write in it again, because that is what always fucking happens, it kind of gets annoying but I guess I am used to it… I should get off my ass and change that and follow through with some stuff that I start, maybe I will maybe I wont, hopefully I am turning over a new leaf in my life what with being a college student and all, but you never know. A crazy Spanish lady at a poetry slam told me that I was going to be famous one day, it might have been that moment when I gave up on a lot of things and being motivated seeing as it was fate that I was going to be famous and that whatever I did I was going to be famous, because that old Mexican lady with really heavy perfume told me that I was going to be, I probably should work towards the goal of being famous and not just expect that it is going to come to me. 2:13… I am in Oregon, I just moved here and at the moment I don’t have a home, my dad is buying a house and on Thursday I get to move into my dorm, my home, at least for the next year or so. My dad really wants me to move in with him, in his house, his three bed two bath 1411 square foot house on a .33 acre lot… he would get the company of his son and wouldn’t have to pay for me to be in the dorm. I don’t know if that is sweet or selfish. I think he is just lonely, his wife just left him for Hawaii and he didn’t know what to do so he decided to follow his son (who is trying to fly the coup) to Oregon. Sounds like the right choice to me even though I wouldn’t mind to get away from him… he is a good guy, a little neurotic, well very neurotic, but in these past few weeks I have gained more respect for him than I ever thought I would, his life was just ruined, what he thought was reality was just shattered, but he keeps chugging on strong, I guess that is all he could have done, I mean where would kvetching and crying gotten him? But still it takes a lot of strength to say goodbye to your life because of a decision that someone else made, and I respect him for that… wow I just realized that Microsoft word didn’t red squiggly line kvetching, that’s amazing I guess its an American/Yiddish dictionary. Anyway, as for my mother I really don’t miss her, if anyone didn’t know, and by anyone I mean my computer and anyone who stumbles upon this searching though my documents, or if I actually post this on my live journal, Noelle did ask me to update it so that she could keep tabs on my life and what’s going on in it… anyway mother is a midwife, she used to perform home births and all my life she has been leaving me. It would never be for long, it would always be “mommies going out to deliver a baby we don’t know when she is going to come back” its not like am never going to see my mother ever again, I just see this as another time that my mother left and I don’t know when I am going to see her again… but I will see her!! Is that bad? Should I miss my mother? Because I really don’t… or at least not that much. 2:29… life is bizarre, the past few weeks have felt like I am suspended on wires, I have no home but there is an end in site and I have always had a roof over my head wherever I slept so I don’t feel homeless, my epic road trip got fucked up, leaving a day late, though that lead to some very very pleasant company, which I am glad came along, but I didn’t go to sunset junction, I didn’t go to Seattle for bumbershoot, I just sat around Hayward getting fatter and playing videogames while life raged around me, I guess I missed it this time, I still enjoyed myself. Great times in San Fran as well as Berkley, but I could have spent much more time in the places I enjoyed not in a very nice house is Hayward eating Hungry Harry’s garlic crust pizza until my friends got back from work, I mean we didn’t even get drunk once, not that I need to get drunk to have a good time, but it is just a fun thing to do once in a while. But I am here in Ashland now and I did enjoy my little road trip, and am looking forward to many more. Portland was amazing, such a beautiful city, so in touch with the environment, and everything else most of the world lacks, I mean they even have free fucking public transportation, it is limited, but it is still there, and not very expensive if you go out of “fare less square” I have found that now I am out of North County San Diego, you really can walk places, my car has been in front the house I have been staying at since I got to Ashland and it doesn’t matter, this town is too small to drive in, you can walk/bike everywhere, and in Portland the big city, it is designed so well that you don’t need to drive, you can walk around the city and it is big but you always know where you are and how to get to where you need to go. It is so easy! Plus you see so many more things when you walk places; you notice real life and not just the things going by you in your car window. And in case anyone was wondering and by anyone again I mean my computer and anyone who stumbles upon this etc… yes I do miss everyone from back home, all of my old friends, you are in my heart and I am wishing only the best for all of you. Change is difficult, I think that is the basis of this rant, this whole situation would be a lot easier if I had everyone by my side, but I don’t, so I have to deal, like I said earlier, kvetching and crying wont get me anywhere. 2:49… I should go to sleep, but that is what my mind says, not my body, my fingers just keep typing, and I am not going to go until they are all done… I don’t know why it is so easy to type what you think, and so hard to say it. Even when you really want to, and you rehearse it in your mind then when you finally go to tell the person what you want to say all you can come up with is one line or “I’m sorry” its weird. I haven’t eaten cooked foods in about 4 days, oh by the way today’s date is Monday, September 18, 2006 diaries are supposed to be dated right? Back to my lack of eating, nothing cooked in about 4 days, this is the easiest raw binge I have ever been on, possibly because I don’t know the area, when I was in Encinitas I would think to myself, “I can just go to Rico’s, it wont be that bad” and I would go to Rico’s and then my rawness would be broken, now that I am in Ashland there is possibly somewhere as delicious as Rico’s but I don’t know about it, so now I just think to myself, “I can just go to Grilla Bites and get a nice delicious raw salad and juice” and I go and it is delicious and nutritious and I haven’t broken my rawness, shit… I really want Rico’s now… anyone reading this, yes I mean you computer, if you are so inclined mail me a Justin burrito with black beans… after Thursday, I think that is my goal for being raw because then I am in my dorm, and in school and I will want to indulge. I think they have a BBQ for incoming students, if there is no tofu then I am going to see how long I can be raw for. 3:01… it is unacceptable to think, did you know that? Its true in the country of the United States of America our president George W Bush informed a reported that it is unacceptable to think. Welcome to our utopian society. Yes there was more to the president’s statement something about being unacceptable to think about us not redefining the Geneva Convention so that we can torture people, but the point is that if we don’t agree with him it is unacceptable to think. He says that the Geneva Convention is too vague and that we must interoperate it so that our CIA agents can properly interrogate without the fears that the interrogation techniques that they are using will not land them in court for breaking the Convention. , The way I see it, that is an understandable idea. The one thing is that the Geneva Convention says that when interrogating prisoners of war, you cannot use inhumane treatment. Now do we REALLY have to define the word inhumane? It should be common sense, and coming from someone who rarely uses/identifies common sense, that is saying something. How is it that we got the biggest fucking idiot to lead our country? Are Americans really that stupid to not see how evil he is, can they not see a person that is so spoiled that whenever he doesn’t get his way his throws a hissy fit and tells congress and reported that it is unacceptable to think a way that isn’t his? Anyway I have drifted way of my non-existent topic, floated from insecurities to politics, but what better way to hide them than to be outrageously pissed off at the current Orwellian atmosphere? 3:15…
Its 2 am I should go to bed, I drank to much mate today, that shit will keep you wired… what the fuck am I doing? I am having a conversation with myself at two in the morning, over Microsoft word for Mac… that’s great… I guess that is what a diary is though, just a conversation with yourself that someone might read while snooping. I wonder if this would be a good way to vent anger or aggression? Probably, seeing as my poetry for the evening isn’t coming out at all… I wonder why, I mean I can write a first line and sometimes a second but after that it all goes downhill. And by downhill I mean that I can’t come up with anything after that. I need something that will inspire me more than two prose, shouldn’t be too hard should it? What do you know; you are a computer… so you know what I tell you to know, what I program you to know, and seeing as I am not a computer programmer I cant program you to know what would inspire me more than two prose. 2:06… those squiggly lines underneath words when you spell them wrong or make a grammatical error are really annoying… so I guess I have a diary now, I will probably get lazy and never write in it again, because that is what always fucking happens, it kind of gets annoying but I guess I am used to it… I should get off my ass and change that and follow through with some stuff that I start, maybe I will maybe I wont, hopefully I am turning over a new leaf in my life what with being a college student and all, but you never know. A crazy Spanish lady at a poetry slam told me that I was going to be famous one day, it might have been that moment when I gave up on a lot of things and being motivated seeing as it was fate that I was going to be famous and that whatever I did I was going to be famous, because that old Mexican lady with really heavy perfume told me that I was going to be, I probably should work towards the goal of being famous and not just expect that it is going to come to me. 2:13… I am in Oregon, I just moved here and at the moment I don’t have a home, my dad is buying a house and on Thursday I get to move into my dorm, my home, at least for the next year or so. My dad really wants me to move in with him, in his house, his three bed two bath 1411 square foot house on a .33 acre lot… he would get the company of his son and wouldn’t have to pay for me to be in the dorm. I don’t know if that is sweet or selfish. I think he is just lonely, his wife just left him for Hawaii and he didn’t know what to do so he decided to follow his son (who is trying to fly the coup) to Oregon. Sounds like the right choice to me even though I wouldn’t mind to get away from him… he is a good guy, a little neurotic, well very neurotic, but in these past few weeks I have gained more respect for him than I ever thought I would, his life was just ruined, what he thought was reality was just shattered, but he keeps chugging on strong, I guess that is all he could have done, I mean where would kvetching and crying gotten him? But still it takes a lot of strength to say goodbye to your life because of a decision that someone else made, and I respect him for that… wow I just realized that Microsoft word didn’t red squiggly line kvetching, that’s amazing I guess its an American/Yiddish dictionary. Anyway, as for my mother I really don’t miss her, if anyone didn’t know, and by anyone I mean my computer and anyone who stumbles upon this searching though my documents, or if I actually post this on my live journal, Noelle did ask me to update it so that she could keep tabs on my life and what’s going on in it… anyway mother is a midwife, she used to perform home births and all my life she has been leaving me. It would never be for long, it would always be “mommies going out to deliver a baby we don’t know when she is going to come back” its not like am never going to see my mother ever again, I just see this as another time that my mother left and I don’t know when I am going to see her again… but I will see her!! Is that bad? Should I miss my mother? Because I really don’t… or at least not that much. 2:29… life is bizarre, the past few weeks have felt like I am suspended on wires, I have no home but there is an end in site and I have always had a roof over my head wherever I slept so I don’t feel homeless, my epic road trip got fucked up, leaving a day late, though that lead to some very very pleasant company, which I am glad came along, but I didn’t go to sunset junction, I didn’t go to Seattle for bumbershoot, I just sat around Hayward getting fatter and playing videogames while life raged around me, I guess I missed it this time, I still enjoyed myself. Great times in San Fran as well as Berkley, but I could have spent much more time in the places I enjoyed not in a very nice house is Hayward eating Hungry Harry’s garlic crust pizza until my friends got back from work, I mean we didn’t even get drunk once, not that I need to get drunk to have a good time, but it is just a fun thing to do once in a while. But I am here in Ashland now and I did enjoy my little road trip, and am looking forward to many more. Portland was amazing, such a beautiful city, so in touch with the environment, and everything else most of the world lacks, I mean they even have free fucking public transportation, it is limited, but it is still there, and not very expensive if you go out of “fare less square” I have found that now I am out of North County San Diego, you really can walk places, my car has been in front the house I have been staying at since I got to Ashland and it doesn’t matter, this town is too small to drive in, you can walk/bike everywhere, and in Portland the big city, it is designed so well that you don’t need to drive, you can walk around the city and it is big but you always know where you are and how to get to where you need to go. It is so easy! Plus you see so many more things when you walk places; you notice real life and not just the things going by you in your car window. And in case anyone was wondering and by anyone again I mean my computer and anyone who stumbles upon this etc… yes I do miss everyone from back home, all of my old friends, you are in my heart and I am wishing only the best for all of you. Change is difficult, I think that is the basis of this rant, this whole situation would be a lot easier if I had everyone by my side, but I don’t, so I have to deal, like I said earlier, kvetching and crying wont get me anywhere. 2:49… I should go to sleep, but that is what my mind says, not my body, my fingers just keep typing, and I am not going to go until they are all done… I don’t know why it is so easy to type what you think, and so hard to say it. Even when you really want to, and you rehearse it in your mind then when you finally go to tell the person what you want to say all you can come up with is one line or “I’m sorry” its weird. I haven’t eaten cooked foods in about 4 days, oh by the way today’s date is Monday, September 18, 2006 diaries are supposed to be dated right? Back to my lack of eating, nothing cooked in about 4 days, this is the easiest raw binge I have ever been on, possibly because I don’t know the area, when I was in Encinitas I would think to myself, “I can just go to Rico’s, it wont be that bad” and I would go to Rico’s and then my rawness would be broken, now that I am in Ashland there is possibly somewhere as delicious as Rico’s but I don’t know about it, so now I just think to myself, “I can just go to Grilla Bites and get a nice delicious raw salad and juice” and I go and it is delicious and nutritious and I haven’t broken my rawness, shit… I really want Rico’s now… anyone reading this, yes I mean you computer, if you are so inclined mail me a Justin burrito with black beans… after Thursday, I think that is my goal for being raw because then I am in my dorm, and in school and I will want to indulge. I think they have a BBQ for incoming students, if there is no tofu then I am going to see how long I can be raw for. 3:01… it is unacceptable to think, did you know that? Its true in the country of the United States of America our president George W Bush informed a reported that it is unacceptable to think. Welcome to our utopian society. Yes there was more to the president’s statement something about being unacceptable to think about us not redefining the Geneva Convention so that we can torture people, but the point is that if we don’t agree with him it is unacceptable to think. He says that the Geneva Convention is too vague and that we must interoperate it so that our CIA agents can properly interrogate without the fears that the interrogation techniques that they are using will not land them in court for breaking the Convention. , The way I see it, that is an understandable idea. The one thing is that the Geneva Convention says that when interrogating prisoners of war, you cannot use inhumane treatment. Now do we REALLY have to define the word inhumane? It should be common sense, and coming from someone who rarely uses/identifies common sense, that is saying something. How is it that we got the biggest fucking idiot to lead our country? Are Americans really that stupid to not see how evil he is, can they not see a person that is so spoiled that whenever he doesn’t get his way his throws a hissy fit and tells congress and reported that it is unacceptable to think a way that isn’t his? Anyway I have drifted way of my non-existent topic, floated from insecurities to politics, but what better way to hide them than to be outrageously pissed off at the current Orwellian atmosphere? 3:15…