Christmas fun
We had a good Christmas this year. Lots of spiritual moments Sunday, Christmas Eve as well as throughout the month - especially during family nights. We had a great Christmas day too - lots of family around to celebrate with games and treats. I even got to talk to my parents (on a mission in Austria) and chat with my bro/sis in our new family chat room. The boys were excited about their presents. I'm so glad I was here and able to watch it. I was worried I might be in the hospital delivering this baby but she keeps surprising us by delaying her grand entrance. I AM only 38 weeks though but it is odd (to me) how much my body has been preparing for the last 2 weeks. Maybe tomorrow's manual cervical exam will actually start me into labor. That'd be nice!
Today, mild anxiety attack. It hit quickly but I caught it fast too. I'm glad the kids were taking care of and I could listen to soft music by myself and write in my self-discovery journal. No guilt or pressure involved.... in fact, the opposite. I felt lost, directionless - almost bored but with an intenseness to it. Hubby came into the room after a bit, at the perfect time, and I cried a bit. Moody. And although I don't know exactly why that is OK. I am important and with my Ben, I feel it. I love him.
I am especially grateful for my Savior. It is at times like this that I am so humbled, remembering all that is pressing on me - all the trauma and hardships I have experienced in my 30 years that make me feel 100 years old. I am amazed that I can function as I do: that I can have a healthy, intimate relationship with another human being - wanting them to be in that space with me that is so sensitive and fragile, that I am mother to not just one child but three (!), that I do good for those in my life instead of abusing and screwing them up more, and that I feel worthy to partake of sacred moments and covenants. All of this, all the blessings in my life and the woman I am becomings is all because of my Savior. He is the author of my soul. He has helped me rewrite the evils in my past and turn them to strengths that I never thought could be a part of me. Above all, he helps me love myself, showing me how to forgive and heal. I love him.
Today, mild anxiety attack. It hit quickly but I caught it fast too. I'm glad the kids were taking care of and I could listen to soft music by myself and write in my self-discovery journal. No guilt or pressure involved.... in fact, the opposite. I felt lost, directionless - almost bored but with an intenseness to it. Hubby came into the room after a bit, at the perfect time, and I cried a bit. Moody. And although I don't know exactly why that is OK. I am important and with my Ben, I feel it. I love him.
I am especially grateful for my Savior. It is at times like this that I am so humbled, remembering all that is pressing on me - all the trauma and hardships I have experienced in my 30 years that make me feel 100 years old. I am amazed that I can function as I do: that I can have a healthy, intimate relationship with another human being - wanting them to be in that space with me that is so sensitive and fragile, that I am mother to not just one child but three (!), that I do good for those in my life instead of abusing and screwing them up more, and that I feel worthy to partake of sacred moments and covenants. All of this, all the blessings in my life and the woman I am becomings is all because of my Savior. He is the author of my soul. He has helped me rewrite the evils in my past and turn them to strengths that I never thought could be a part of me. Above all, he helps me love myself, showing me how to forgive and heal. I love him.