Love the Way You Lie
I've been reading a lot of discussion recently on feminist blogs regarding this song/video by Eminem and Rihanna (warning: triggering depictions of domestic violence):
Below is my response to the song and video; I'd love to hear others' thoughts.
Please note: this is not my opinion of Eminem in general, who has been known to have many homophobic and misogynist lyrics in his songs, but just this piece of music in particular.
I usually avoid mainstream pop music like the plague these days, but when I'm in my car outside of the cities, it's either that or cassette tapes. When I was driving home from a camping trip recently, I heard this song on the radio and found it both powerful and disturbing to listen to. When I got home, I had to re-listen and look up the lyrics to determine what message the artists were actually trying to get across. Now there's a video and even more stuff to interpret and work through.
There's been a huge range of reactions online to the depictions of abuse in the song and video. Many people are critical of it, saying that it glamorizes/sexualizes violence, is disempowering (because the victim never leaves the relationship), and portrays violence as a normal part of "true love," giving teenagers unhealthy ideas about relationships.
It's a very interesting discussion, but I'm finding that I disagree with many of the criticisms. I don't think the song or video glamorizes violence, but provides a raw and honest depiction of an experience in an abusive relationship, from both sides of the coin. While it's important to have positive and empowering messages in culture, that's not all there is or should be. Sometimes an honest portrayal of a painful experience is exactly what is needed, both from the artist's point of view and the listener's.
I nearly cried listening to the song because I can relate very much to the volatile relationship dynamics, if not the physical violence, described in the lyrics. It describes so accurately (to me) how hard it is to leave an unhealthy relationship and how crazy, yet addicting, it can feel. The video shows the sweet and sexy moments alongside with abuse not because violence is sexy, but because there usually are loving and passionate moments intertwined with the violence. That's one reason why it's so hard to leave, and why it makes the experience incredibly confusing and disorienting.
It seems like a lot of people want to paint domestic violence as black and white: evil abuser hits victim, and so she must leave him (often only portrayed as a phenomenon of men abusing women). Of course it's important to encourage people to end destructive relationships, but by denying the complexities and manipulations that are often involved, and even shaming victims because they aren't "strong enough" to leave, can often have the effect of alienating the people you are trying to help. I remember feeling very alone and isolated when I was in a destructive relationship because I didn't feel like anyone really understood what I was going through, and I felt so weak and ashamed of myself much of the time. Had this song come out when I was still in that relationship, I think it would have helped immensely to know that I was not the only one who has these feelings.
The video ends with the same scene as it begins with because the cycle of violence is just that: a cycle. It repeats over and over again, and it usually takes people many attempts before they are finally able to leave an abusive relationship, if they leave at all. Not to mention the very real threat of death when one tries to leave a violent relationship. It's not pleasant to think about, but that's the current reality.
Eminem's lyrics are very disturbing, but I think important for understanding the dynamics behind abuse. I believe in holding abusers responsible for their actions and condemning the violence, but I also think it's important to try to understand where the violence comes from in order to better work on solutions.
I've also read criticisms of Rhianna for partaking in this after coming out as a survivor of domestic violence. But really, who are we to say what she should or shouldn't do to heal from the experience? That just smacks of victim blaming to me. To me, she's clearly not condoning violence, but bringing awareness to an experience that is close to her.
So, thoughts?
Click to viewBelow is my response to the song and video; I'd love to hear others' thoughts.
Please note: this is not my opinion of Eminem in general, who has been known to have many homophobic and misogynist lyrics in his songs, but just this piece of music in particular.
I usually avoid mainstream pop music like the plague these days, but when I'm in my car outside of the cities, it's either that or cassette tapes. When I was driving home from a camping trip recently, I heard this song on the radio and found it both powerful and disturbing to listen to. When I got home, I had to re-listen and look up the lyrics to determine what message the artists were actually trying to get across. Now there's a video and even more stuff to interpret and work through.
There's been a huge range of reactions online to the depictions of abuse in the song and video. Many people are critical of it, saying that it glamorizes/sexualizes violence, is disempowering (because the victim never leaves the relationship), and portrays violence as a normal part of "true love," giving teenagers unhealthy ideas about relationships.
It's a very interesting discussion, but I'm finding that I disagree with many of the criticisms. I don't think the song or video glamorizes violence, but provides a raw and honest depiction of an experience in an abusive relationship, from both sides of the coin. While it's important to have positive and empowering messages in culture, that's not all there is or should be. Sometimes an honest portrayal of a painful experience is exactly what is needed, both from the artist's point of view and the listener's.
I nearly cried listening to the song because I can relate very much to the volatile relationship dynamics, if not the physical violence, described in the lyrics. It describes so accurately (to me) how hard it is to leave an unhealthy relationship and how crazy, yet addicting, it can feel. The video shows the sweet and sexy moments alongside with abuse not because violence is sexy, but because there usually are loving and passionate moments intertwined with the violence. That's one reason why it's so hard to leave, and why it makes the experience incredibly confusing and disorienting.
It seems like a lot of people want to paint domestic violence as black and white: evil abuser hits victim, and so she must leave him (often only portrayed as a phenomenon of men abusing women). Of course it's important to encourage people to end destructive relationships, but by denying the complexities and manipulations that are often involved, and even shaming victims because they aren't "strong enough" to leave, can often have the effect of alienating the people you are trying to help. I remember feeling very alone and isolated when I was in a destructive relationship because I didn't feel like anyone really understood what I was going through, and I felt so weak and ashamed of myself much of the time. Had this song come out when I was still in that relationship, I think it would have helped immensely to know that I was not the only one who has these feelings.
The video ends with the same scene as it begins with because the cycle of violence is just that: a cycle. It repeats over and over again, and it usually takes people many attempts before they are finally able to leave an abusive relationship, if they leave at all. Not to mention the very real threat of death when one tries to leave a violent relationship. It's not pleasant to think about, but that's the current reality.
Eminem's lyrics are very disturbing, but I think important for understanding the dynamics behind abuse. I believe in holding abusers responsible for their actions and condemning the violence, but I also think it's important to try to understand where the violence comes from in order to better work on solutions.
I've also read criticisms of Rhianna for partaking in this after coming out as a survivor of domestic violence. But really, who are we to say what she should or shouldn't do to heal from the experience? That just smacks of victim blaming to me. To me, she's clearly not condoning violence, but bringing awareness to an experience that is close to her.
So, thoughts?