The down post
Please don't read this if you don't feel like reading depressing shit. You have been warned.
Let's see. This birthday has started off with a bang. My friends here in VA have decided that they all are too busy to spend time with me on my birthday. Basically, another year home, by myself, wishing I had someone next to me to hold me.
I hate this feeling. It always happens around my birthday. I feel lonely and unloved. Maybe because I am. I am lonely. I hate being alone. I am the type of person who needs a relationship. I was NEVER like this in high school, but that maybe was due to high school being different from life.
I hate being unloved. Yes, I know my family loves me, Kait loves me, my friends {Adora, Nikki, Jenny} love me. But I need LOVE.
Why did Neal have to be such a fucktard? Why did he have to throw away the best thing that had happened to him? He will admit that too... Why?
This is why I hate my birthday so much. Last year Neal and I had just gotten back together, but we weren't "together". Kevin was with his fuck toy at 25. 24 too. Probably 23. I forget 22 and 21 I was dragged to a nightclub so my underage friend could get piss ass drunk. I remember sitting in the club alone. By myself. On my own birthday.
So you see why I hate my birthday?
I am afraid I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am much closer to thirty now, and it scares me.I don't want to end up alone raising a seven year old by myself. I know I can do it and will, but I want that person whom I can turn to at night and say "honey, did you take the dog out for a walk?" Ok, trying to make myself stop crying here and it isn't working.
I want that person who will bring me a daisy out of the blue for no reason. I am at the point right now where I cry when Kait brings me a flowery weed.
I still want to remain strong and independent, and I know I am still working on those two things to get back to where I was before Kevin fucked me up. I miss being in love. I missed being loved. I don't want to have shitty birthdays anymore. I don't want to puke at the thought of Valentine's day. I want to take those walks in the snow with someone holding my hand.
And I feel like it will never happen again.
I want what I can't have. I want something like in the song below. I'm not being selfish. I just want to be happy. And not heartbroken. I am heartbroken now, and it seems like it will never heal.
There's something 'bout the way you look tonight,
There's something 'bout the way that I can't take my eyes off you.
There's something 'bout the way your lips invite,
Maybe it's the way that I get nervous when your around.
And I want you to be mine
and if you need a reason why,
[Chorus:]
It's in the way that you move me, and the way that you tease me,
The way that I want you tonight,
It's in the way that you hold me, and the way that you know me,
When I can't find the right words to say,
You feel it in the way, you feel it in the way.
There's something 'bout how you stay on my mind,
There's something 'bout the way that I whisper your name when I'm asleep Oh girl
Maybe it's the look you get in your eyes.
Maybe it's the way that makes me feel to see you smile.
And the reasons they may change
But what I'm feeling stays the same.
[Chorus]
I can't put my fingers on just what it is that makes me love you, you baby.
So don't ask me to describe, I get all choked up inside, just thinking bout the way.
[Chorus]
There's something 'bout the way you look tonight.
There's nothing more to say then, I feel it in the way.
Let's see. This birthday has started off with a bang. My friends here in VA have decided that they all are too busy to spend time with me on my birthday. Basically, another year home, by myself, wishing I had someone next to me to hold me.
I hate this feeling. It always happens around my birthday. I feel lonely and unloved. Maybe because I am. I am lonely. I hate being alone. I am the type of person who needs a relationship. I was NEVER like this in high school, but that maybe was due to high school being different from life.
I hate being unloved. Yes, I know my family loves me, Kait loves me, my friends {Adora, Nikki, Jenny} love me. But I need LOVE.
Why did Neal have to be such a fucktard? Why did he have to throw away the best thing that had happened to him? He will admit that too... Why?
This is why I hate my birthday so much. Last year Neal and I had just gotten back together, but we weren't "together". Kevin was with his fuck toy at 25. 24 too. Probably 23. I forget 22 and 21 I was dragged to a nightclub so my underage friend could get piss ass drunk. I remember sitting in the club alone. By myself. On my own birthday.
So you see why I hate my birthday?
I am afraid I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am much closer to thirty now, and it scares me.I don't want to end up alone raising a seven year old by myself. I know I can do it and will, but I want that person whom I can turn to at night and say "honey, did you take the dog out for a walk?" Ok, trying to make myself stop crying here and it isn't working.
I want that person who will bring me a daisy out of the blue for no reason. I am at the point right now where I cry when Kait brings me a flowery weed.
I still want to remain strong and independent, and I know I am still working on those two things to get back to where I was before Kevin fucked me up. I miss being in love. I missed being loved. I don't want to have shitty birthdays anymore. I don't want to puke at the thought of Valentine's day. I want to take those walks in the snow with someone holding my hand.
And I feel like it will never happen again.
I want what I can't have. I want something like in the song below. I'm not being selfish. I just want to be happy. And not heartbroken. I am heartbroken now, and it seems like it will never heal.
There's something 'bout the way you look tonight,
There's something 'bout the way that I can't take my eyes off you.
There's something 'bout the way your lips invite,
Maybe it's the way that I get nervous when your around.
And I want you to be mine
and if you need a reason why,
[Chorus:]
It's in the way that you move me, and the way that you tease me,
The way that I want you tonight,
It's in the way that you hold me, and the way that you know me,
When I can't find the right words to say,
You feel it in the way, you feel it in the way.
There's something 'bout how you stay on my mind,
There's something 'bout the way that I whisper your name when I'm asleep Oh girl
Maybe it's the look you get in your eyes.
Maybe it's the way that makes me feel to see you smile.
And the reasons they may change
But what I'm feeling stays the same.
[Chorus]
I can't put my fingers on just what it is that makes me love you, you baby.
So don't ask me to describe, I get all choked up inside, just thinking bout the way.
[Chorus]
There's something 'bout the way you look tonight.
There's nothing more to say then, I feel it in the way.