Look, it's that montly-ish update thing!
I've been feeling, I don't know, emotionally and mentally strung out, frustrated, drained lately.
I'm insanely, quietly stressed because rent is coming up soon and we have dwindling funds. I've been putting in applications all over the place, but nowhere is really, actually hiring. Oh, sure, everywhere will take an application, but nowhere has any positions to fill. Leads that seem promising just dry up and I won't hear from the bookstore until at least the end of next month.
My mother has been emotional and stressed, which has been making me such because I just don't know how to deal with her and what she's going through. I know this time of year is difficult for her. I know that. Birthdays of deceased loved ones, anniversary of deaths. But I don't process death the same way she does and I don't grieve the same way she does. There's only so long I can respond to her crying on the phone with 'uh-huh', 'yeah', 'that sucks'. It makes me feel awful, but at the same time, I just don't have the same brain processes when it comes to that.
I've been running away from things that I should be bringing to light because, honestly, I fear how they would turn out if I voiced my opinion. I fear the aftermath, the repercussions. I fear the whole scene I've built up in my head. I don't want the tension and I don't want the arguments. So I temporarily take myself out of the environment that I dislike, because that seems like the healthiest thing to do. It seems like the sanest thing to do. But I'm not actually escaping what I dislike and I'm not actually solving the thing that's upsetting me.
Which makes me more upset. Which makes me stress over how I can fix it without having to say it. It leads to me taking baths just to cry. To keeping myself busy however possible just to not think about it.
Overall, I'm not all that sad or upset, honestly. There's just one thing that's been digging at me for at least the last six months, if not closer to a year and I can't get a proper grasp on it to deal with it in a delicate manner.
That being sad, otherwise things have been really good.
I have still been job hunting, but I think I'm going to have to break down and do some commissions. At least try to maybe get half the rent, which is about $250. I've put in a lot of applications around town, trying to be mindful of the bus routes and how far I can bike and all that.
Speaking of biking, I've been doing about 10-15 miles a day when I go out to bike around. It's been refreshing. I don't know if it's doing much to help me lose weight, but my calves are fucking awesome, so I'm getting something out of it. I have to fix the brakes on Tony's bike and make him go out with me, too. I've been going out to Towner's Woods a lot, too, since it's only a few miles on the bike trail.
I need to buy a basket or saddle bags for the back rack of my bike at some point. I have a basket for the front and it's insanely useful, but I'd like something for the back when I go up to Save-A-Lot or Acme. Or even just to bike around and go to the library or something.
But it's been really nice to bike so much.
I was a hardcore cleaning machine yesterday. Getting visitors (or even potential visitors) makes me freak out and need the house clean for some reason. And the house had gotten pretty bad over the last few months. I would float from room to room and maybe clean two of them before sputtering out and saying 'fuckit'. Yesterday was not the case. I cleaned the living room, organized a bunch of stuff, moved old critter cages to the basement, Christmas and Halloween stuff to the basement. I scrubbed down doors and the bathtub and cleaned out the linen shelves (not that they actually hold any linen). WASHED DISHES and scrubbed the carpet in the kitchen. It was amazing and having the house clean feels amazing and does wonders for my mood. The cats love it too, since I moved the couch, they can tearass through the living room at their leisure now.
Angie came over today and we dug up some of the plot for my garden with Tony 'supervising'. Then we BBQ'd and bullshat for awhile. I miss the three of us hanging out and shenanigans~ But she's been coming to game night, which is pretty cool because we're all nerds who love board/card games. Tony and I picked up Lunch Money from Off The Wagon downtown, too. Week before last, we hung out in MSB on campus until, like, 4AM or something. It was pretty awesome.
So that project I had to do for Art as World Phenomenon?
I also managed to bullshit seven freaking pages about it and my artistic process. I don't have fuckall of an idea what I'll get on it, but whatever. It's done.
Also, a little Sahariel for good measure.
My Supernatural forum has been doing really good! Which is pretty awesome. Active players, folks applying for canons, all kinds of fun stuff.
I also joined CharaHub (user 1117), which I love and adore and can't wait for more features and stuff to be implemented. It's in beta right now and, if you want to join, the secret code/phrase is 'peacock'.
If anyone has Spotify, I do, as well. My username/account is 129989781, but my stuff is also find-able through my Facebook. I fucking love getting new music from folks and sharing music~
Speaking of music, Rasputina next month!!
I'm insanely, quietly stressed because rent is coming up soon and we have dwindling funds. I've been putting in applications all over the place, but nowhere is really, actually hiring. Oh, sure, everywhere will take an application, but nowhere has any positions to fill. Leads that seem promising just dry up and I won't hear from the bookstore until at least the end of next month.
My mother has been emotional and stressed, which has been making me such because I just don't know how to deal with her and what she's going through. I know this time of year is difficult for her. I know that. Birthdays of deceased loved ones, anniversary of deaths. But I don't process death the same way she does and I don't grieve the same way she does. There's only so long I can respond to her crying on the phone with 'uh-huh', 'yeah', 'that sucks'. It makes me feel awful, but at the same time, I just don't have the same brain processes when it comes to that.
I've been running away from things that I should be bringing to light because, honestly, I fear how they would turn out if I voiced my opinion. I fear the aftermath, the repercussions. I fear the whole scene I've built up in my head. I don't want the tension and I don't want the arguments. So I temporarily take myself out of the environment that I dislike, because that seems like the healthiest thing to do. It seems like the sanest thing to do. But I'm not actually escaping what I dislike and I'm not actually solving the thing that's upsetting me.
Which makes me more upset. Which makes me stress over how I can fix it without having to say it. It leads to me taking baths just to cry. To keeping myself busy however possible just to not think about it.
Overall, I'm not all that sad or upset, honestly. There's just one thing that's been digging at me for at least the last six months, if not closer to a year and I can't get a proper grasp on it to deal with it in a delicate manner.
That being sad, otherwise things have been really good.
I have still been job hunting, but I think I'm going to have to break down and do some commissions. At least try to maybe get half the rent, which is about $250. I've put in a lot of applications around town, trying to be mindful of the bus routes and how far I can bike and all that.
Speaking of biking, I've been doing about 10-15 miles a day when I go out to bike around. It's been refreshing. I don't know if it's doing much to help me lose weight, but my calves are fucking awesome, so I'm getting something out of it. I have to fix the brakes on Tony's bike and make him go out with me, too. I've been going out to Towner's Woods a lot, too, since it's only a few miles on the bike trail.
I need to buy a basket or saddle bags for the back rack of my bike at some point. I have a basket for the front and it's insanely useful, but I'd like something for the back when I go up to Save-A-Lot or Acme. Or even just to bike around and go to the library or something.
But it's been really nice to bike so much.
I was a hardcore cleaning machine yesterday. Getting visitors (or even potential visitors) makes me freak out and need the house clean for some reason. And the house had gotten pretty bad over the last few months. I would float from room to room and maybe clean two of them before sputtering out and saying 'fuckit'. Yesterday was not the case. I cleaned the living room, organized a bunch of stuff, moved old critter cages to the basement, Christmas and Halloween stuff to the basement. I scrubbed down doors and the bathtub and cleaned out the linen shelves (not that they actually hold any linen). WASHED DISHES and scrubbed the carpet in the kitchen. It was amazing and having the house clean feels amazing and does wonders for my mood. The cats love it too, since I moved the couch, they can tearass through the living room at their leisure now.
Angie came over today and we dug up some of the plot for my garden with Tony 'supervising'. Then we BBQ'd and bullshat for awhile. I miss the three of us hanging out and shenanigans~ But she's been coming to game night, which is pretty cool because we're all nerds who love board/card games. Tony and I picked up Lunch Money from Off The Wagon downtown, too. Week before last, we hung out in MSB on campus until, like, 4AM or something. It was pretty awesome.
So that project I had to do for Art as World Phenomenon?
I also managed to bullshit seven freaking pages about it and my artistic process. I don't have fuckall of an idea what I'll get on it, but whatever. It's done.
Also, a little Sahariel for good measure.
My Supernatural forum has been doing really good! Which is pretty awesome. Active players, folks applying for canons, all kinds of fun stuff.
I also joined CharaHub (user 1117), which I love and adore and can't wait for more features and stuff to be implemented. It's in beta right now and, if you want to join, the secret code/phrase is 'peacock'.
If anyone has Spotify, I do, as well. My username/account is 129989781, but my stuff is also find-able through my Facebook. I fucking love getting new music from folks and sharing music~
Speaking of music, Rasputina next month!!