10 February 2014
(Before I start delving into deeply personal and embarrassing stories and thoughts - okay, yeah, that's pretty much what I wanted to say. Let's just leave it at, I hope nobody I know in real life finds this blog. Because though I'm fine with broadcasting my failures and my feelings about those failures to an audience of strangers or nobody at all, I'm not really okay with people from my life knowing intimate details about me. Which is almost counter-intuitive.)
First boyfriend, here we go. In order to leave out discriminating details, let's just say we "met" - this is a broad term, as we technically grew up in church together - on a church missions trip, which is about the stupidest way to begin a courtship. Also on the trip was a friend of mine, the kind of friend you can only really stand in small doses, or else you want to take a knife or at least a very strong fist to her head. Point is, she's nice and accommodating and sweet little bits at a time, but having to be forced in close proximity to her for extended periods of time was really starting to grate on my nerves. I know this, or at least I know this now, is mostly due to my own personality faults. I'm the kind of person who doesn't dare intrude where she isn't completely sure she's wanted. I need a gilded invitation or something, a personal phone call, or else I stay two steps back. She's the kind of person who will insert herself where she wants to be, without gauging the general atmosphere or whether or not she's actually wanted, and she will continue doing so until it becomes routine and she just belongs there. I'm not sure if this is even a purposeful action or just part of her personality. Writing it out, now, I kind of envy her. But the point is, back then, this annoyed me to no end. She was my close friend so I stuck to her, but she kept bringing us places I didn't feel comfortable with. Reading my diary of this trip now makes me feel so embarrassed - it was supposed to be a missions trip in which we spread God's love to all around us, and instead, I was so focused on relationships, both romantic and platonic. This is not how a missions trip is supposed to go, and perhaps my biggest argument for instituting an age limit for these types of things, or at least a reliable measure of maturity.
Looking back, I kind of regret this whole relationship, because I feel like there were a lot of wrongs I committed that could have been avoided entirely if none of this ever happened. But I suppose I learned from all of it, even though it took me years to even come to this conclusion. Basically, this attraction was borne from proximity, the kind that grows over card games in which he rigs the deck so you get all the twos, and shared van rides. God, I was so desperate to be wanted, to be liked.
Shall continue this tomorrow because I have reached my word count goal and I'd like to get as much sleep as I can.
First boyfriend, here we go. In order to leave out discriminating details, let's just say we "met" - this is a broad term, as we technically grew up in church together - on a church missions trip, which is about the stupidest way to begin a courtship. Also on the trip was a friend of mine, the kind of friend you can only really stand in small doses, or else you want to take a knife or at least a very strong fist to her head. Point is, she's nice and accommodating and sweet little bits at a time, but having to be forced in close proximity to her for extended periods of time was really starting to grate on my nerves. I know this, or at least I know this now, is mostly due to my own personality faults. I'm the kind of person who doesn't dare intrude where she isn't completely sure she's wanted. I need a gilded invitation or something, a personal phone call, or else I stay two steps back. She's the kind of person who will insert herself where she wants to be, without gauging the general atmosphere or whether or not she's actually wanted, and she will continue doing so until it becomes routine and she just belongs there. I'm not sure if this is even a purposeful action or just part of her personality. Writing it out, now, I kind of envy her. But the point is, back then, this annoyed me to no end. She was my close friend so I stuck to her, but she kept bringing us places I didn't feel comfortable with. Reading my diary of this trip now makes me feel so embarrassed - it was supposed to be a missions trip in which we spread God's love to all around us, and instead, I was so focused on relationships, both romantic and platonic. This is not how a missions trip is supposed to go, and perhaps my biggest argument for instituting an age limit for these types of things, or at least a reliable measure of maturity.
Looking back, I kind of regret this whole relationship, because I feel like there were a lot of wrongs I committed that could have been avoided entirely if none of this ever happened. But I suppose I learned from all of it, even though it took me years to even come to this conclusion. Basically, this attraction was borne from proximity, the kind that grows over card games in which he rigs the deck so you get all the twos, and shared van rides. God, I was so desperate to be wanted, to be liked.
Shall continue this tomorrow because I have reached my word count goal and I'd like to get as much sleep as I can.