Life
Well, the entire apartment has been cleaned at last. And, as I look at the last of the many beers I've had tonight whilest listening to sad songs over the computer, I realize that I still don't know what I'm doing with life. I run around my work basically helping everyone who needs it, from associates to upper management to scheduling and payroll, and they couldn't be happier with me. I'm sure it's a side effect of my need to help others that brings me such joy in easing the burden of others there, but I'm pretty sure that it's caused some of the other specialists to resent me for doing what they should be doing everyday. There have been so many managers and supervisors that have told me that I can go far in the company, so many agents that tell me that I am the reason they look forward to coming in to work. It makes me want to continue to live up to their standards and beyond, to be every one's "hero". But, I'm barely even trying. I do what I feel should be done, and am rewarded for doing it. With almost no effort. Why do I feel like I'm cheating at life? The more people ask of me, the easier it becomes. And it makes me feel guilty. Is that fucked up or what?
As far as love goes, I think I slipped a bit and began to hope for a moment there. However, I think I've gotten my head on straight once again. No hope, no searching, let the cards fall where they may. Every time I think about getting into a relationship I start to think about how much personal freedom I'd be giving up, and it makes the choice that much clearer. I'm happier alone. Besides, if the band thing hits it off, there will be plenty of time and opportunity to fall hard at my leisure.
In a couple days I'll be off to Missouri to visit my parents and extended family. I'll find peace there in the woods as I always have. Maybe I'll get back in touch with the spirit I've been neglecting for so long now. I'm sure the trees will remember me in any case. They always do.
As far as love goes, I think I slipped a bit and began to hope for a moment there. However, I think I've gotten my head on straight once again. No hope, no searching, let the cards fall where they may. Every time I think about getting into a relationship I start to think about how much personal freedom I'd be giving up, and it makes the choice that much clearer. I'm happier alone. Besides, if the band thing hits it off, there will be plenty of time and opportunity to fall hard at my leisure.
In a couple days I'll be off to Missouri to visit my parents and extended family. I'll find peace there in the woods as I always have. Maybe I'll get back in touch with the spirit I've been neglecting for so long now. I'm sure the trees will remember me in any case. They always do.