Will Something Change?
It is hard for me to explain presently what is going on in my head because of the speed of the thoughts. They are coming faster than I can process. Tammy told me something... Work helps her escape. Least I think that is what she said... I can't remember completely. Something about that statement made me think of something my old camp director told me, "leave at the end of the road". See, there was a road into camp, depending on the day it could be long or short. One day, after Erin and I broke up, it seemed like the longest journey I ever walked. Erin and I met at that camp when we were 10 and 8. Lost contact for 8 years then met back up as councilors. The day that I had to walk into camp without her by my side, and to walk out again. Things that day seemed off and wrong. we tried being friends and the more we tried the more my heart and spirit broke. The more I wanted to die.
Like now, I feel that way again. I can't say the depression is gone. I will be living with that all my life but the cutting is back and in full swing. The immediate reaction to do that is hard to resist most times. what scared me the most is I just did it in front of Chris without thinking. Now I never did that before. Not in front of him. That I think makes me feel the most shameful. I am ashamed of who I am and yet I want people to know who I am. The more I think I am ok, the more I know I am not.
I can't grasp simple things. I want to know why things are the way they are. Why I feel like no one is here for me. why I feel like the more I try the further he moves from me. Why the more I work and the harder I work the more co-workers do nothing. Why the more I try to give people second chances they still screw it up and make me second guess myself.
Why do I feel like this?
Will it ever change to what I remember?
Like now, I feel that way again. I can't say the depression is gone. I will be living with that all my life but the cutting is back and in full swing. The immediate reaction to do that is hard to resist most times. what scared me the most is I just did it in front of Chris without thinking. Now I never did that before. Not in front of him. That I think makes me feel the most shameful. I am ashamed of who I am and yet I want people to know who I am. The more I think I am ok, the more I know I am not.
I can't grasp simple things. I want to know why things are the way they are. Why I feel like no one is here for me. why I feel like the more I try the further he moves from me. Why the more I work and the harder I work the more co-workers do nothing. Why the more I try to give people second chances they still screw it up and make me second guess myself.
Why do I feel like this?
Will it ever change to what I remember?