New Years Reflection
New Years represents a standard point in time that acts as a benchmark to which the years may be measured by. This past year has been marked by confusion, haze, indecision and fear. While that's quite conglomeration of nouns, the most prominent is confusion: confusion about where I am going, how I ended up in this particular situation and what the next step in life is.
I also think back to previous New Years and the different environments that enveloped me. My mind recalls back to three particular New Years.
/LN grandparents lived in a modest house; but as a retired banker, the grandfather had an eye for nice things. Over the course of several years, we would visit their house on New Years Day to have traditional sauerkraut and pork. Each year it was imperative for /LN to enter the home first so that we would have a year of good fortune. Her walking in front of me with her innocent giggle and warm demeanor is an image I won't easily forget. In fact, it's a beautiful memory that turns into a haunting vision of what was lost. The house exuded a timeless atmosphere where the grandfather would put on Lawrence Welk and the house was adorned with a considerable amount of mirrors, such that if you stood in a particular spot you would observe the mirrors reflecting upon themselves. Seeing yourself duplicated, near infinity, within the mirrors cast a tangible representation of time - a representation of all the different 'yous' coming together in a single moment at New Years. I never forgot that image, nor the modest house with elegant decorations. The excessive mirrors, the marble table, the green trinkets splattered throughout the residence all combine to present a timeless atmosphere.
The second New Years was one of disgrace and debauchery. It's an episode that would exude all the 'sound and fury' of excitement, but ended up being a hollowed out, meaningless, experience. The whole episode was between relationships, and include two women: new and old. I've since forgotten the 'new' woman, but the old relationship was /AZ. The 'new' woman was classy, a school guidance counselor that was a little older than I. She was stunningly beautiful in a homely/mom/forever girl type of way. The 'old' relationship being /AZ and /AZ was well, a beautifully kind soul marred by unpolished etiquette. The backdrop was downtown during the ball-drop where the night began with me pursuing the 'new woman'. I dropped the line that I wouldn't bring my male friends to meet her because I didn't want competition in having to kiss her at the ball drop - less men around increased my chances to share that special moment with her. She ate that line up and loved it. This episode took place at my dating height so I had become quite smooth with lines/women by then. As the night unfolded, I got a call from /AZ and ultimately had to choose with whom to watch/kiss the ball drop with. I ultimately chose /AZ, which ended in a particular wild night of excess (a tale for another time) but it's interesting to think about the life changes (if any) had I chose the 'new' woman to share a kiss with. While the decision of spending a night of New Years with two different women may seem appealing/desirable, I look back upon it with as a waste - a fool's endeavor. I didn't end up with either of them thus the whole episode was merely a futile waste of energy. It was a fool's tale, full of sound and fury but signifying nothing. The night's tale extends beyond those two, to include a woman from Africa that claimed to be an African princess from royalty...but expanding on this story would just further underline the pointlessness of the whole episode.
The last episode is that of /Bcky. I recently came across a model that looked strictly like her (NSFW XXX) and thus recollected back to my time with her. /Bcky and I must have spent several New Years together; though I don't recall any of them. It's not as though the nights would have been forgotten through alcohol as /Bcky refused to drink. We must have done something though I can't recall. It would be nice to see her again, or get an opportunity to relive a New Years with her.
So, those are three random thoughts to commiserate the New Year holiday.