To ReMemBeR
How important it is to remember.
I have approximately 15,500 cell phone pictures over the past ten years that encompass my life. I say 'approximately' as one can't be sure how many are true captures of my life versus miscellaneous files that made their way into the wrong directory without going through all of the pictures manually.
I’ve trained myself religiously to record life events. With each important moment, or thoughtful occurrence, I pulled out cellphone and took a quick image to capture the moment.
This was all done under the suspicion, and dread, that I would someday forget or even lose my memory. I wouldn't characterize my memory as lost, but I would state it as being cordoned off. The images I’ve captured mark many intimate moments, and prior relationships, that are still haunting and oftentimes hurtful. It's hurtful to lose those that you loved, even if the loss was a result of your own foolish actions. In many instances, I can't remember these times and relationships very well. I can't even recall breaking up with /KAT_M, which is odd as she was someone important to me and I have no recollection of how things ended.
The same is true for many other relationships as well. It's my belief that my mind has purposefully put up blocks to section off these points of high emotion to deal with the healing process. If I could remember everything in vivid detail I'm sure I would never get over it; however, my mind has managed to block and presented a fuzzy foggy barrier to keep me from fully remembering these past lives.
I suppose it's good, as I don't have the traumatic moping that would accompany the lost relationships but it's also bad in that to lose a memory, any memory, is a tragedy.
As planned, I know have 15,500 images to help me remember those times. Though, I don't think I’ll be going through those images any time soon as most of them are too emotional to simply view and walk away from. I started by randomly opening a few of the images and upon getting to picture number five I decided it was time to step away and not pull the past out of the garbage. To see such smiling faces when you know how the outcome is a special kind of haunting that one shouldn't dwell on. I have no doubt I’ll revisit these images, just not today. Most likely it will be during a rainy day with a tall glass of whiskey - preferably [Insert Brand].
P.S.
I think the lack of vivid memories, as well as current life events, has marked the need to get back into writing. I need to record my life so that one day I’ll be able to look back and either reminisce or piece together events. Events and people come and go, but to record those events in a coherent narrative is something that transcends time. It’s something that I need to get back into doing and something that I will do.