DINNER WiTh FRiENDs
I met up with a life-long friend and his wife for dinner tonight. While the friend is someone I admire greatly and get-along well with; he is also someone that I've always had to keep at a distance. He, like so many others, is a man that respects status, wealth, and achievements and as such, the conversation is always filtered through the lens of success and triumph. The conversation immediately finds its way to his successes and achievements. While I begrudge no-one of their successes, it's frustrating to see the cycle that he unknowingly dives into during each of our meetings. Tonight I heard of his new position, and how he negotiated four weeks of vacation, how much more money he is making, how he negotiated 2.5% yearly salary increases in perpetuity and a nice 5% bonus the first year and ultimately "how things are going great". With him, it's difficult to determine if things are actually going so well or if it's all just a facade. If it had to guess I would wager things are going quite well for him, but I could never be certain. He may very well be dead inside, who knows.
While the conversation hops from achievement to achievement, there is an aspect of our personal non-achievements that we touch upon; but it's never the human part, never the part of your life that hints at weakness, uncertainty or difficult times that are the staples of life. While I do enjoy his company, the ostentatious dance that avoids typical human dilemma becomes rather tiresome at times. When times are going well I can tolerate the conversation, but when things are not going so well then it becomes difficult to reconcile. It's difficult not to compare my achievements against him; as it know he is matching his successes against me. I find myself embroiled in an internal conflict where part of me attempts to match my successes and life experience against his and the other half just wants to let it go. It's a stupid game where I find myself wondering how much money he is really making; comparing his home and child against my perceived higher salary, financial investments and retirement package - it's an evil awful road that I genuinely want no part of. To avoid that road, I've limited my contact with him and have become colder in my dealings with him.
As I was typing this I remembered a headline from an article I came across on the internet quite a while ago. The subject of the article was concerning things that men wish women knew and one point in particular touched upon relationships. It lamented that women don't understand how cold, distant, and shallow men's relationships with each other are. Men don't bemoan or discuss problems but rather ignore them all together. The author regretted the fact that he, like so many men, had no other male friends to confide in or talk to. That is certainly something I can relate to. I could never call up a male friend late at night and express concerns or issues, men just don't have those kinds of relationships. I recall a moment with my friend when his child was in the hospital sick, unsure if the child was going to live or not. Understanding that he had to be strong in front of his wife, I offered that he could give me a call and we could talk about it - that whatever he was feeling he could simply let it out I'd listen and help the best I could. In offering such a preposition I had crossed the established "no weakness" boundary of our friendship and this became evident as he ever-so-coolly thanked me and brushed off the offer. He would rather deal with it alone than show any weakness.
While the conversation hops from achievement to achievement, there is an aspect of our personal non-achievements that we touch upon; but it's never the human part, never the part of your life that hints at weakness, uncertainty or difficult times that are the staples of life. While I do enjoy his company, the ostentatious dance that avoids typical human dilemma becomes rather tiresome at times. When times are going well I can tolerate the conversation, but when things are not going so well then it becomes difficult to reconcile. It's difficult not to compare my achievements against him; as it know he is matching his successes against me. I find myself embroiled in an internal conflict where part of me attempts to match my successes and life experience against his and the other half just wants to let it go. It's a stupid game where I find myself wondering how much money he is really making; comparing his home and child against my perceived higher salary, financial investments and retirement package - it's an evil awful road that I genuinely want no part of. To avoid that road, I've limited my contact with him and have become colder in my dealings with him.
As I was typing this I remembered a headline from an article I came across on the internet quite a while ago. The subject of the article was concerning things that men wish women knew and one point in particular touched upon relationships. It lamented that women don't understand how cold, distant, and shallow men's relationships with each other are. Men don't bemoan or discuss problems but rather ignore them all together. The author regretted the fact that he, like so many men, had no other male friends to confide in or talk to. That is certainly something I can relate to. I could never call up a male friend late at night and express concerns or issues, men just don't have those kinds of relationships. I recall a moment with my friend when his child was in the hospital sick, unsure if the child was going to live or not. Understanding that he had to be strong in front of his wife, I offered that he could give me a call and we could talk about it - that whatever he was feeling he could simply let it out I'd listen and help the best I could. In offering such a preposition I had crossed the established "no weakness" boundary of our friendship and this became evident as he ever-so-coolly thanked me and brushed off the offer. He would rather deal with it alone than show any weakness.