"A† leas† I’lL die †rying?"
Peck, Peck, Peck. I feel as though I’ve regressed to such a mental state that I’ve become one of those fumbling old people that peck away at the keyboard with two fingers, completely oblivious to their surroundings as they vainly attempt to match up the punch of the key with the corresponding letter that emerges on the screen.
Is this it? Is this what it all amounts to? Five years of education for this? I thought we were to inherit the earth, I thought this was supposed to be the future...
A coworker from my last job came into work today and played up the whole, "So what are you doing now, where are you going? Blah blah blah" scene that has played out endlessly in my life - like a horrible b-rated movie. It was a scene I had become a pro at, a scene I would find myself going through with the same scripted ‘speech of hope’ over and over for the umpteenth time. At first, I would attempt to play the game by jumping into the whole, "Oh, well I’m just waiting to hear back from graduate schools I've applied for blah blah blah" but after two or three scenes with various actors from my past I just got to the point where I really didn't care what they thought or said, so I would just make up some garbage or speak in such vague generalities that they would eventually just stop asking questions. I don’t know if I cared what she thought, or if I wanted to give her a straight answer, but somehow throughout the conversation "Master in Statistics" surfaced and I suddenly realized the entire impact of the statement. I watched her eyes grow large as she repeated back in a shock of horror, "Master in Statistics?"
I stared into her expression of revulsion and I think, for the first time, I finally realized what I was saying. I began to panic; her emotion immediately took flight and came upon me like a tidal wave. "Omg, 'Master of Statistics?" I silently repeated back to myself as her subtle tone of doubt was an immediate kick in the pants - it was the subtle undertone of self-doubt that only a woman can bestow.
"That's insane" she stated back as I could see the look of concern in her eyes, she wasn't the typical non-math major that was impressed by the statement, but actually knew and realized the difficulty of such a degree. (Math majors generally fear statistics as I'm not sure anyone really understands it.)
I know she doesn't know me, that we only spent five-months or so together on a job and we hardly interacted but a few times a week, but she left me with that general impression of, "You're setting yourself up for failure." I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be until I saw the look in her eyes.
I could just imagine asking her:
"At least I’ll die trying?"
And have her respond back in an emphatic tone, "No! Its suicide...it's one thing to die trying in something in which you have a chance at success, but this is impending doom!"
I don’t know, maybe I’m over-reacting, but her whole tone of doubt did put the Statistics degree into perspective. I find myself questioning if I can even do it, even IF they offer me some type of financial aid, is it even feasible that I would be able to successfully complete the program? Would I die trying? Could I nobly fail out of the program with the phrase, “At least I tried” or would it literally become the death of me as an all-encompassing enunciated FAILURE?