arggh
Oh my I am so full of frustration!
Tonight I want something. Is it sugar? Drugs? Sex? Booze? Smokes?- (which btw I quit---again)FRIENDS? To hang out with me on some random Wed?! I seriously need pals. I just want to sacrifice and maim some people because I am mad at having Lyme. I am mad at moving all the time. I am mad at myself. I am mad at being lonely. Retarded feelings that make me wanna scream at people who I dislike because of other details... but its so much easier to yell at someone else then oneself. But really the finger points at me. And then what. Argh.
I went to Buddhist meditation today and I just felt like the biggest asshole as all sort of asshole things came out of my mouth. The sad thing being that it was all true. The things I said.
Maybe its the huge thing of coffee I drank... you know something I can put blame on rather then myself.
I am the one who moved myself to nowhere friendlessville. I am the one who addicted myself to sugar in the first place. I am the one who got re-addicted to smoking. I am the one who is addictive to self destruction when things are not going my way. What a big baby I am.
I started to cry in class yesterday... how embarrassing.
Uh maybe I should give myself more compassion and love then I do. Ha. Yea right, right?
Tonight I want something. Is it sugar? Drugs? Sex? Booze? Smokes?- (which btw I quit---again)FRIENDS? To hang out with me on some random Wed?! I seriously need pals. I just want to sacrifice and maim some people because I am mad at having Lyme. I am mad at moving all the time. I am mad at myself. I am mad at being lonely. Retarded feelings that make me wanna scream at people who I dislike because of other details... but its so much easier to yell at someone else then oneself. But really the finger points at me. And then what. Argh.
I went to Buddhist meditation today and I just felt like the biggest asshole as all sort of asshole things came out of my mouth. The sad thing being that it was all true. The things I said.
Maybe its the huge thing of coffee I drank... you know something I can put blame on rather then myself.
I am the one who moved myself to nowhere friendlessville. I am the one who addicted myself to sugar in the first place. I am the one who got re-addicted to smoking. I am the one who is addictive to self destruction when things are not going my way. What a big baby I am.
I started to cry in class yesterday... how embarrassing.
Uh maybe I should give myself more compassion and love then I do. Ha. Yea right, right?