The ridiculously long letter I wrote to some fam members.. and I got reemed yesterday by A aunt.
Well I am going to get to the point right away.... as why I am emailing you now. I do my best to be more direct and perhaps this is where it gets confused as being demanding, impatient. (?) But you will also see that I have issues being as direct as I hope to be... as this letter most likely will be lengthy.
That being said...I didn't think I was (am) being demanding, and I guess in others peoples (your?) opinion, I am. And when Joan told me this, well, I am upset (upset because I had no idea). But I am also sitting with her (your?) words, and contemplating them, not just brashly tossing them aside. Its important for me to sit with it, not as you are all judging me, but to find the source/element of what is actually so. Whether that statement is true or not. Or derived from something else.
Its fair enough to formulate your own opinion with the way I do and lack in ways to communicate. And yes, I also have opinions about each of you and your communication skills. Whether it is how I interpret what you say or how it is I view the way you present it. I am doing my best to have compassion and understanding of what I do not know of you yet, from lack of not getting to know you and not being around before now.
Please try this on: I am not already part of how the four of you have learned to communicate over the years. I did not live here prior to now, I do not see you generally more then 1-2 times a year prior to me coming now, I do not know how to read-always- your sarcasm or subtle hints. What you consider funny or appropriate sarcasm/humor. Or how you share information, or understand the talk that is amongst yourselves.
Some of it I find offensive (hearing about how others feel about me through someone else). I have gotten frustrated because when I attempt to communicate with four people I have never communicated with on a level that is "serious" compared to a "Hi I am here for the holidays", its a ball park I have never entered before. I feel like when ever I talk, its not me, its me trying to please how you want to me talk/act. (That is my own deal, but for me its still what is true.. hence me speaking/way of action has been seen/told to me as complaint or pushiness, without me wanting that as an an intention.)
All four of you have had years to learn to be Cecilia's: Mother/caretaker, Sister/caretaker, and Daughters/caretaker. I ask that you also give me the space to learn to be Niece/caretaker. I am not saying you have not. But there will be mistakes, mishaps, misunderstandings quite possibly (as already) in the process.
I do write lists. I do just give/text them to you the moment I see you. I do forget things. I write them down, I give them to whoever will do the shopping or errands right away otherwise I DO FORGET. Already there has been times when Grandma is here or calls and says "do you need something from the store", and there was something, but dang! I plum forgot! So I better give it to her now, this time, before I forget like last time. That's where my mind comes from. I focus the best I can on getting what needs to be done done.
But obviously, an obliviously ( since no one showed discomfort till now), that method doesn't work. I am working out a system that meets my list making needs, as well as a way that does not come off at demanding and "in your face".
I am boggling, learning, coping, contemplating, calculating on how to be a Niece/caregiver. I will go in GO MODE. I need this, this, this (to accomplish what I am here for- Cecilia's needs)... and with the occasional I need this (for me). That is not meant to offend, alarm, frustrate, aggravate any of you. I put about 90% of Cici's needs before mine (whether its asked of me or not, by her). And when I put mine before hers, the first chance I can get, I grab it. I cravvvve it. I admit this.
I work (will be working) 120-144+ hours a week (before getting a weekend/one day break). I don't make that statement to be a martyr. THIS IS my "job" AND its my life. Granted its only for the next 5ish months, but I don't get to go out with my friends, or go to my fav spot away from home. I HAVE NO (outside) FRIENDS, any place I want to go is a min 1 hour away by bus. I have people I can chat to on the Internet. I have you. Your my friend. Cici is my friend too. I will need to have the company of others/complete time to self. I am sorry if I come off as demanding.. But the real word you should use is DESPERATE. I am desperate to go out (of the house on my own or be given a store to wander in on my own- and I am guilty of turning to all of you to help aid in that). Even if its to buy a bra. Go grocery shopping. Gets goodies so I can bake. I think to take care of ones needs is not selfish. But that's my opinion. BUT with that being said, to expect all of you to stop what you are doing, and give me what I want when I want it.. whether its meant to have force in my tone of voice/text or not, that is not right either. So I see that, I see how that could cause upset with everyone. I see where my desperation has caused a hinder on your own time, needs, self care. For that I apologize. But that being said, I reiterate, as said before I moved here- For me to maintain my own positive health I will need things/time (and unless worked out otherwise- hope to have your help).
I also want you to all know that I AM DOING MY BEST. I am a person with OCD. I was shocked to hear Joan point it out, I really do my best to tone it down. I hold back from contacting you all (more then I already do) and do my best to meditate on the solitude/ need-care giving for Cecilia. We all suffer from our own personality traits. This is mine.
I knew that "taking this on"/ being here was going to be "work". Have no doubt, I didn't think it was going to be a cake walk. BUT I also thought that it was going to be a certain other way. I thought I would have more time off in the middle of the week... two hours here and there during the day, where I do not have to worry about anyone BUT me... Before I said yes to Dad/Grandma about coming here, I was given the impression that I would get my "down time" needs met. Basically that is not how it is at all. I am frustrated. I feel lied to/ given false impression, whether that was intention or not, or just another misunderstanding.
I love CiCi. This, all that above, has nothing to do with her. My needing space and freedom and independence is what most people want for themselves, in general.
I also love the time I DO have with Cici- even during the "work parts" we are often found laughing and laughing and comparing notes, and laughing some more. I am thankful that I have her in my life, because I ♥ her/our laughter and the freedom to feel joy/sadness/upset/seriousness/happiness that is shared between one another.
I ask that you do your best to give me time, nonetheless. When you can, as you have already done *Thanks so much*. I am also looking (this past week) into the bus schedule/bike paths, etc. So I do not have to rely on anyone for my independence, that is when I am allotted it.
Speaking (out loud) has never been my strong suite.
After Joan's chat to me yesterday I wonder if other people in my other work and friend/family settings have also seen me as "self centered, selfish, and demanding".
No one has ever told me that I am (to my knowledge), and I continue on being "who I am" with no accord or fear to lack certain social skills that I already assumed I had mastered "so well"... either through Landmark, Buddhism, and other self searching/communicative educational paths. I thought I was patient. I always beamed about what patience I have. But ha.. well I guess I have NOT mastered it at all. And that's fine. Its good for me to see my pride and to step down and get back on the bandwagon and continue to self educate what it means to me to be a better person.
I think living here will be a gift from life to me, for just that.
And of course, all four of you (and Ci) will also take play, as I will in your lives... and I do hope it gets better, with how we converse/ communicate.. I request that gossip and twisting stories discontinues. I also request (this is not a demand-- its solely up to each of you) that you confront me, rather than build stories up with each other about me. (I will do the same with coming forward.)
Grandma, you already have, according to Joan, have come forward and told me I am being too demanding (??? This is possibly third party relay). I did not hear you, if that's true. It was unintentional to ignore or not listen.
I ask that for now on, FROM EVERYONE- when and if any of you come to me for a one on one chat- be direct "Katee, I need you to focus and put your mind here so we can talk" and I will. I do not think that request will be rude. My mind goes and goes and goes.. my god! look at the length of this letter! So please, ask me to focus and I will do my best to take in what you say/request. I may not agree or go along, but its important for me to not have any of you carrying around extra burden because of what you feel I have done or the lack of what I don't do. (But its also your responsibility to be open.)
I do not recall being grumbly and complaining in the Dentist Office. I DO remember being told I passed out on the ride home from the Dentist Office. I am sorry if my being tired offended you, Grandma and/or Cass. I will make better practice to watch my public demeanor.
Cass I have apologized to you already about my being upset and rash with you/not with you on Friday. I apologized right away when we were at the computer, and I say sorry again, now. I ask that you confront me, no matter if I am your "older" cousin. We are equal, no matter the age. This is where I am a better communicator.. through writing. If you are this way as well, and prefer to confront me through email, I am more then open to hear/read ya out. My being angry wasn't your issue. I will admit that again and again. Please do not go to other people (Joan?) and talk about how I was mean to you and claim I never did my best to make it immediately right. I request you make requests of me. To ask me to make things clear if you don't understand (for your sake and well being- this is important to me! I love you!). No one else was there but you and me, in my opinion its not right for someone else (Aunt Joan) to claim what I do and did not do when they (she was) were not even present. I knew right away what I said wasn't for your ears and I am sorry, hun.
Lea, I did not know I have upset you as well. Please do not smile and nod if you are actually shaking fists into the air. I am also open to any talk or email with you. I prefer not text.
Joan, its important for me to include everyone. I cant leave people out because they are sick, old, young, busy, whatever. I will do my best to acknowledge who may be the better resource if I cannot obtain what I need on my own, but its important to me that everything is in the open, its how I roll. Thank you for the chat and not putting it off and feeling the right thing to do was come over and speak, I agree with you now.
I still do not appreciate the accusation of being self centered. TO ME: That is not true.
Everyone suffers being selfish and having ego and desires to some degree. Its part of life's path/obstacle. I do my best to reign that in, for myself and others. I can hope the same for you and others who also battle with such Samsara. I am doing my best to be here for Cecilia. I feel stuck with you, Joan, sometimes- as if we our in a viking battle with speaking and listening. Maybe from last night on out, that can change.
Grandma. I will do my best to not come AT you. But rather speak with you as your Granddaughter. As I wrote in my last email, I respect you gratefully and ♥ all that you do, and all that I can learn from you. If I write to you too much (email), please tell me. I am not so splendid at sitting someone down like Joan and saying everything that needs to be said. I often use letters/emails because its how I can communicate more specifically, less emotionally, and look over what it is I do say... in order not to be bull headed and brash. Which I can be, even to my lovely family. But I will cut back. And do my best to communicate the way you do... by phone, in person, etc.
Love to you all.
I am not exactly sorry for how lengthy this letter is, but amazed if you got through it. (wink)
I believe that if you let the energy of words sit inside oneself for too long that the throat(chakra) will swell. Already I have noticed inflammation in my throat. I hope that this will help that subside. And I REALLY do not want any of you to suffer due to my words or lack of yours to me.
My name here♥.
PS: Dad always says to keep the emails short or I will lose people. I am still working on that. Wink.
PSS: I also chose to be square with everyone in one email rather then separate ones so that not only am I making agreements to said individual, but to the clan at large. I always aim to be a stronger, wiser, more loving person then I was the day before. Often it takes a while, but still, I do my best to obtain enlightenment with all sentients.
That being said...I didn't think I was (am) being demanding, and I guess in others peoples (your?) opinion, I am. And when Joan told me this, well, I am upset (upset because I had no idea). But I am also sitting with her (your?) words, and contemplating them, not just brashly tossing them aside. Its important for me to sit with it, not as you are all judging me, but to find the source/element of what is actually so. Whether that statement is true or not. Or derived from something else.
Its fair enough to formulate your own opinion with the way I do and lack in ways to communicate. And yes, I also have opinions about each of you and your communication skills. Whether it is how I interpret what you say or how it is I view the way you present it. I am doing my best to have compassion and understanding of what I do not know of you yet, from lack of not getting to know you and not being around before now.
Please try this on: I am not already part of how the four of you have learned to communicate over the years. I did not live here prior to now, I do not see you generally more then 1-2 times a year prior to me coming now, I do not know how to read-always- your sarcasm or subtle hints. What you consider funny or appropriate sarcasm/humor. Or how you share information, or understand the talk that is amongst yourselves.
Some of it I find offensive (hearing about how others feel about me through someone else). I have gotten frustrated because when I attempt to communicate with four people I have never communicated with on a level that is "serious" compared to a "Hi I am here for the holidays", its a ball park I have never entered before. I feel like when ever I talk, its not me, its me trying to please how you want to me talk/act. (That is my own deal, but for me its still what is true.. hence me speaking/way of action has been seen/told to me as complaint or pushiness, without me wanting that as an an intention.)
All four of you have had years to learn to be Cecilia's: Mother/caretaker, Sister/caretaker, and Daughters/caretaker. I ask that you also give me the space to learn to be Niece/caretaker. I am not saying you have not. But there will be mistakes, mishaps, misunderstandings quite possibly (as already) in the process.
I do write lists. I do just give/text them to you the moment I see you. I do forget things. I write them down, I give them to whoever will do the shopping or errands right away otherwise I DO FORGET. Already there has been times when Grandma is here or calls and says "do you need something from the store", and there was something, but dang! I plum forgot! So I better give it to her now, this time, before I forget like last time. That's where my mind comes from. I focus the best I can on getting what needs to be done done.
But obviously, an obliviously ( since no one showed discomfort till now), that method doesn't work. I am working out a system that meets my list making needs, as well as a way that does not come off at demanding and "in your face".
I am boggling, learning, coping, contemplating, calculating on how to be a Niece/caregiver. I will go in GO MODE. I need this, this, this (to accomplish what I am here for- Cecilia's needs)... and with the occasional I need this (for me). That is not meant to offend, alarm, frustrate, aggravate any of you. I put about 90% of Cici's needs before mine (whether its asked of me or not, by her). And when I put mine before hers, the first chance I can get, I grab it. I cravvvve it. I admit this.
I work (will be working) 120-144+ hours a week (before getting a weekend/one day break). I don't make that statement to be a martyr. THIS IS my "job" AND its my life. Granted its only for the next 5ish months, but I don't get to go out with my friends, or go to my fav spot away from home. I HAVE NO (outside) FRIENDS, any place I want to go is a min 1 hour away by bus. I have people I can chat to on the Internet. I have you. Your my friend. Cici is my friend too. I will need to have the company of others/complete time to self. I am sorry if I come off as demanding.. But the real word you should use is DESPERATE. I am desperate to go out (of the house on my own or be given a store to wander in on my own- and I am guilty of turning to all of you to help aid in that). Even if its to buy a bra. Go grocery shopping. Gets goodies so I can bake. I think to take care of ones needs is not selfish. But that's my opinion. BUT with that being said, to expect all of you to stop what you are doing, and give me what I want when I want it.. whether its meant to have force in my tone of voice/text or not, that is not right either. So I see that, I see how that could cause upset with everyone. I see where my desperation has caused a hinder on your own time, needs, self care. For that I apologize. But that being said, I reiterate, as said before I moved here- For me to maintain my own positive health I will need things/time (and unless worked out otherwise- hope to have your help).
I also want you to all know that I AM DOING MY BEST. I am a person with OCD. I was shocked to hear Joan point it out, I really do my best to tone it down. I hold back from contacting you all (more then I already do) and do my best to meditate on the solitude/ need-care giving for Cecilia. We all suffer from our own personality traits. This is mine.
I knew that "taking this on"/ being here was going to be "work". Have no doubt, I didn't think it was going to be a cake walk. BUT I also thought that it was going to be a certain other way. I thought I would have more time off in the middle of the week... two hours here and there during the day, where I do not have to worry about anyone BUT me... Before I said yes to Dad/Grandma about coming here, I was given the impression that I would get my "down time" needs met. Basically that is not how it is at all. I am frustrated. I feel lied to/ given false impression, whether that was intention or not, or just another misunderstanding.
I love CiCi. This, all that above, has nothing to do with her. My needing space and freedom and independence is what most people want for themselves, in general.
I also love the time I DO have with Cici- even during the "work parts" we are often found laughing and laughing and comparing notes, and laughing some more. I am thankful that I have her in my life, because I ♥ her/our laughter and the freedom to feel joy/sadness/upset/seriousness/happiness that is shared between one another.
I ask that you do your best to give me time, nonetheless. When you can, as you have already done *Thanks so much*. I am also looking (this past week) into the bus schedule/bike paths, etc. So I do not have to rely on anyone for my independence, that is when I am allotted it.
Speaking (out loud) has never been my strong suite.
After Joan's chat to me yesterday I wonder if other people in my other work and friend/family settings have also seen me as "self centered, selfish, and demanding".
No one has ever told me that I am (to my knowledge), and I continue on being "who I am" with no accord or fear to lack certain social skills that I already assumed I had mastered "so well"... either through Landmark, Buddhism, and other self searching/communicative educational paths. I thought I was patient. I always beamed about what patience I have. But ha.. well I guess I have NOT mastered it at all. And that's fine. Its good for me to see my pride and to step down and get back on the bandwagon and continue to self educate what it means to me to be a better person.
I think living here will be a gift from life to me, for just that.
And of course, all four of you (and Ci) will also take play, as I will in your lives... and I do hope it gets better, with how we converse/ communicate.. I request that gossip and twisting stories discontinues. I also request (this is not a demand-- its solely up to each of you) that you confront me, rather than build stories up with each other about me. (I will do the same with coming forward.)
Grandma, you already have, according to Joan, have come forward and told me I am being too demanding (??? This is possibly third party relay). I did not hear you, if that's true. It was unintentional to ignore or not listen.
I ask that for now on, FROM EVERYONE- when and if any of you come to me for a one on one chat- be direct "Katee, I need you to focus and put your mind here so we can talk" and I will. I do not think that request will be rude. My mind goes and goes and goes.. my god! look at the length of this letter! So please, ask me to focus and I will do my best to take in what you say/request. I may not agree or go along, but its important for me to not have any of you carrying around extra burden because of what you feel I have done or the lack of what I don't do. (But its also your responsibility to be open.)
I do not recall being grumbly and complaining in the Dentist Office. I DO remember being told I passed out on the ride home from the Dentist Office. I am sorry if my being tired offended you, Grandma and/or Cass. I will make better practice to watch my public demeanor.
Cass I have apologized to you already about my being upset and rash with you/not with you on Friday. I apologized right away when we were at the computer, and I say sorry again, now. I ask that you confront me, no matter if I am your "older" cousin. We are equal, no matter the age. This is where I am a better communicator.. through writing. If you are this way as well, and prefer to confront me through email, I am more then open to hear/read ya out. My being angry wasn't your issue. I will admit that again and again. Please do not go to other people (Joan?) and talk about how I was mean to you and claim I never did my best to make it immediately right. I request you make requests of me. To ask me to make things clear if you don't understand (for your sake and well being- this is important to me! I love you!). No one else was there but you and me, in my opinion its not right for someone else (Aunt Joan) to claim what I do and did not do when they (she was) were not even present. I knew right away what I said wasn't for your ears and I am sorry, hun.
Lea, I did not know I have upset you as well. Please do not smile and nod if you are actually shaking fists into the air. I am also open to any talk or email with you. I prefer not text.
Joan, its important for me to include everyone. I cant leave people out because they are sick, old, young, busy, whatever. I will do my best to acknowledge who may be the better resource if I cannot obtain what I need on my own, but its important to me that everything is in the open, its how I roll. Thank you for the chat and not putting it off and feeling the right thing to do was come over and speak, I agree with you now.
I still do not appreciate the accusation of being self centered. TO ME: That is not true.
Everyone suffers being selfish and having ego and desires to some degree. Its part of life's path/obstacle. I do my best to reign that in, for myself and others. I can hope the same for you and others who also battle with such Samsara. I am doing my best to be here for Cecilia. I feel stuck with you, Joan, sometimes- as if we our in a viking battle with speaking and listening. Maybe from last night on out, that can change.
Grandma. I will do my best to not come AT you. But rather speak with you as your Granddaughter. As I wrote in my last email, I respect you gratefully and ♥ all that you do, and all that I can learn from you. If I write to you too much (email), please tell me. I am not so splendid at sitting someone down like Joan and saying everything that needs to be said. I often use letters/emails because its how I can communicate more specifically, less emotionally, and look over what it is I do say... in order not to be bull headed and brash. Which I can be, even to my lovely family. But I will cut back. And do my best to communicate the way you do... by phone, in person, etc.
Love to you all.
I am not exactly sorry for how lengthy this letter is, but amazed if you got through it. (wink)
I believe that if you let the energy of words sit inside oneself for too long that the throat(chakra) will swell. Already I have noticed inflammation in my throat. I hope that this will help that subside. And I REALLY do not want any of you to suffer due to my words or lack of yours to me.
My name here♥.
PS: Dad always says to keep the emails short or I will lose people. I am still working on that. Wink.
PSS: I also chose to be square with everyone in one email rather then separate ones so that not only am I making agreements to said individual, but to the clan at large. I always aim to be a stronger, wiser, more loving person then I was the day before. Often it takes a while, but still, I do my best to obtain enlightenment with all sentients.