honest contribution
I'm becoming mentally clearer.
Little things that I'd forgotten how to do are coming back to me.
It sounds stupid, juvenile, but I can clean the kitchen.
I can spend three hours on a kitchen floor, and not even realize that I'm doing it until its been done. I got up at 6:30 and made the dogs eggs because I was out of dog food.
Little things.
And I'm starting to be able to do them.
What happened with Livejournal?
Its not about who reads it...it was never about that, and sometimes it was, sure, but mostly it was just a place to put my thoughts, to transcribe to myself what it was that was going on in my head, in my life, how I really felt about things. How I felt about life, and living and so forth. And in the past year or so, all of that fell off, became superficial.
Because I didn't care.
And blatantly stated that fact to myself over and over again, until I actually didn't. Not about myself, not about the house, not about progressing. But fell into this pit of a stasis, unable to really see a way in drudging out of it.
What was it like to be so alone?
I look in the mirror now, six months after the ending, and my eyes have changed, have regained some spark that had been dulled over time. There's me again. I am coming forward. I'm starting to look like my old self, am starting to recognize who I used to be.
And it feels good, but I'm a lot less self assured than I was four years ago. That can happen when the greatest definition of yourself is based off of who you're with. And that can happen with co-dependence, so much so that you lose the individual, that which makes you who you are.
Forest, trees, its all just varying levels of lost.
I still have a great deal of pain that I need to work through, and its going to take a long time. I thought for a little while that what I really needed was a friends with benefits, a rebound fling. But that wasn't that kind of relationship...not so petty as to think that sex with another would mend it. And it didn't. It only made me feel worse about things.
And now I have come to this sort of nostalgic crossroads, in which I'm forgetting the bad. And that's bad, because its allowing me to feel like I should go and open up my heart again. And I really can't do that. That would be pretty fucking stupid of me.
(read that over and over again, kiddo, because for fuck's sake. don't be stupid.)
(written for me)
Not drinking has helped considerably. Being sober has allowed me to actually think about how things were when I wasn't sober. And those things were scary, were painful, dangerous, and oblivious to any consequences. And willfully ignorant towards those consequences, so much so in denial that the cycle would repeat itself on an often enough basis.
And I became a different person...a terrible person.
Who would say the most cutthroat things possible, who puked in public, who went to bed with just about anything...who did not, as the kids are saying, give any fucks.
And I didn't.
And I looked like shit.
And I really hated myself, and so would drink to stop hating myself, but then hate myself the next day for getting drunk, and so get drunk the next day to stop hating myself and the cycle religiously followed itself until the only thing i had left to rely on, would be prayer.
Porcelain god, I beseech thee.
Never again, oh no, never again, not me. This time is the last time, I swear.
I need to get my priorities straight.
Focus on whats more important.
Getting healthy. Getting positive. Getting into a better place.
Fuck you hindsight, because I really could have used ya about thirty feet in front of me.
Little things that I'd forgotten how to do are coming back to me.
It sounds stupid, juvenile, but I can clean the kitchen.
I can spend three hours on a kitchen floor, and not even realize that I'm doing it until its been done. I got up at 6:30 and made the dogs eggs because I was out of dog food.
Little things.
And I'm starting to be able to do them.
What happened with Livejournal?
Its not about who reads it...it was never about that, and sometimes it was, sure, but mostly it was just a place to put my thoughts, to transcribe to myself what it was that was going on in my head, in my life, how I really felt about things. How I felt about life, and living and so forth. And in the past year or so, all of that fell off, became superficial.
Because I didn't care.
And blatantly stated that fact to myself over and over again, until I actually didn't. Not about myself, not about the house, not about progressing. But fell into this pit of a stasis, unable to really see a way in drudging out of it.
What was it like to be so alone?
I look in the mirror now, six months after the ending, and my eyes have changed, have regained some spark that had been dulled over time. There's me again. I am coming forward. I'm starting to look like my old self, am starting to recognize who I used to be.
And it feels good, but I'm a lot less self assured than I was four years ago. That can happen when the greatest definition of yourself is based off of who you're with. And that can happen with co-dependence, so much so that you lose the individual, that which makes you who you are.
Forest, trees, its all just varying levels of lost.
I still have a great deal of pain that I need to work through, and its going to take a long time. I thought for a little while that what I really needed was a friends with benefits, a rebound fling. But that wasn't that kind of relationship...not so petty as to think that sex with another would mend it. And it didn't. It only made me feel worse about things.
And now I have come to this sort of nostalgic crossroads, in which I'm forgetting the bad. And that's bad, because its allowing me to feel like I should go and open up my heart again. And I really can't do that. That would be pretty fucking stupid of me.
(read that over and over again, kiddo, because for fuck's sake. don't be stupid.)
(written for me)
Not drinking has helped considerably. Being sober has allowed me to actually think about how things were when I wasn't sober. And those things were scary, were painful, dangerous, and oblivious to any consequences. And willfully ignorant towards those consequences, so much so in denial that the cycle would repeat itself on an often enough basis.
And I became a different person...a terrible person.
Who would say the most cutthroat things possible, who puked in public, who went to bed with just about anything...who did not, as the kids are saying, give any fucks.
And I didn't.
And I looked like shit.
And I really hated myself, and so would drink to stop hating myself, but then hate myself the next day for getting drunk, and so get drunk the next day to stop hating myself and the cycle religiously followed itself until the only thing i had left to rely on, would be prayer.
Porcelain god, I beseech thee.
Never again, oh no, never again, not me. This time is the last time, I swear.
I need to get my priorities straight.
Focus on whats more important.
Getting healthy. Getting positive. Getting into a better place.
Fuck you hindsight, because I really could have used ya about thirty feet in front of me.