(no subject)
Last saturday I got fired. I know this sounds odd, but it was the bosses fault. She told me to put some stuff away. But she didn't explain where. She fliped, threw a couple curse words out there, and told me to leave. I walked downtown on my way home and my eyes got watery, but for some odd reason, I only shed one tear.
I could not read my bosses mind, and I often forgot where to put things. Which she could not afford in her beautifully tacky over priced store of hers. Oh well. I am happy it happened, I now do not have to be stressed about starting school and cello soon. I now do not have to balance everything on my job. I also get to enjoy the rest of my summer. I have been trying to make the most of it, but I am so bored, and I am starting to get depressed.
The job put me in a state of a zombie like mindless creature. I loved the pay, and I was learning alot, and I loved organizing and cleaning. But I was so afraid of my boss that it put me in the state of mind that I used to have with my mother. I was starting to doubt myself and question my motives. And I was in the middle of trying to discover what was going on, when I got fired. And that completely broke everything down. So on my way home from work, I picked myself up and found the good in the loss of my job. Which naturaly made me feel better about the whole situation.
I decided I needed a break, so I spent the night at my great grandmothers house out in the suburbs of goleta. Which was so wonderful. I have lost control of most of what I have here in Santa Barbara, so I go to see Nana and all we do is talk and eat. I love to clean her house, so I cleaned out her refrigorater(spelling?). There, I am in control. And there is not a care in the world. It is my new sanctuary. So I am thinking of moving out there. Not as a perminent residence, just a place I will be at for most of the week.
Just to warn some of you, I will not be online as often as before, as some of you have noticed. Hence, the lack of livejournal posts. I have some soul searching to do, and the drama that is here in Santa Barbara is not helping. I need a break. I need someone to talk to, but I do not want to talk to my friends about my problems, because so far, that is the cause of my disstress. If any of you wish to give me advice, that is fine, but know that my trust for everyone is on the edge of distruction. I will listen, but it will be wieghted down by my mistrust of you.
This is sounding harsh, and I am sorry if you are offended by this at all. I know this does not include everyone, but at this point, I have started to question everyones intent twards me. I guess I have always been a bit brutally honest, and I feel that you have the right to know what is going on. I know that this may make you feel like you have to tip toe around me, but please do not. This is my problem, and I have a pretty good idea that it might have to do with acceptance.
This is all sounding so confusing to me right now, and I am sure that at the rate that my mind constantly changes ideas all the time, that this may not matter in the next few months, or even sooner. I am going crazy right now, and I cannot organize my thoughts.
Your mind can be your friend, but it can also be your foe. There is no avoiding it.
Right now, I just feel like apologizing. I am sorry. I am sorry that this may be putting stess on some of you. I am so sorry that I have been acting so differently than the person that I was when I was at La Cumbre or San Marcos. People change, and you either have to accept it or not. Some people just do not stay the same, and sometimes they do.
I am just a paranoid and suspicious little girl. And with the curent events, I have been questioning the amount of loyalty that is given into the friendship. Why are people talking about me? Nevermind, it is my fault for saying too much in the beginning. I have said too much in the post already. I think this will be the last time I will ever open up to anyone for a long time.
But do not fret, it is me, not you. I am just not strong enough yet.
I could not read my bosses mind, and I often forgot where to put things. Which she could not afford in her beautifully tacky over priced store of hers. Oh well. I am happy it happened, I now do not have to be stressed about starting school and cello soon. I now do not have to balance everything on my job. I also get to enjoy the rest of my summer. I have been trying to make the most of it, but I am so bored, and I am starting to get depressed.
The job put me in a state of a zombie like mindless creature. I loved the pay, and I was learning alot, and I loved organizing and cleaning. But I was so afraid of my boss that it put me in the state of mind that I used to have with my mother. I was starting to doubt myself and question my motives. And I was in the middle of trying to discover what was going on, when I got fired. And that completely broke everything down. So on my way home from work, I picked myself up and found the good in the loss of my job. Which naturaly made me feel better about the whole situation.
I decided I needed a break, so I spent the night at my great grandmothers house out in the suburbs of goleta. Which was so wonderful. I have lost control of most of what I have here in Santa Barbara, so I go to see Nana and all we do is talk and eat. I love to clean her house, so I cleaned out her refrigorater(spelling?). There, I am in control. And there is not a care in the world. It is my new sanctuary. So I am thinking of moving out there. Not as a perminent residence, just a place I will be at for most of the week.
Just to warn some of you, I will not be online as often as before, as some of you have noticed. Hence, the lack of livejournal posts. I have some soul searching to do, and the drama that is here in Santa Barbara is not helping. I need a break. I need someone to talk to, but I do not want to talk to my friends about my problems, because so far, that is the cause of my disstress. If any of you wish to give me advice, that is fine, but know that my trust for everyone is on the edge of distruction. I will listen, but it will be wieghted down by my mistrust of you.
This is sounding harsh, and I am sorry if you are offended by this at all. I know this does not include everyone, but at this point, I have started to question everyones intent twards me. I guess I have always been a bit brutally honest, and I feel that you have the right to know what is going on. I know that this may make you feel like you have to tip toe around me, but please do not. This is my problem, and I have a pretty good idea that it might have to do with acceptance.
This is all sounding so confusing to me right now, and I am sure that at the rate that my mind constantly changes ideas all the time, that this may not matter in the next few months, or even sooner. I am going crazy right now, and I cannot organize my thoughts.
Your mind can be your friend, but it can also be your foe. There is no avoiding it.
Right now, I just feel like apologizing. I am sorry. I am sorry that this may be putting stess on some of you. I am so sorry that I have been acting so differently than the person that I was when I was at La Cumbre or San Marcos. People change, and you either have to accept it or not. Some people just do not stay the same, and sometimes they do.
I am just a paranoid and suspicious little girl. And with the curent events, I have been questioning the amount of loyalty that is given into the friendship. Why are people talking about me? Nevermind, it is my fault for saying too much in the beginning. I have said too much in the post already. I think this will be the last time I will ever open up to anyone for a long time.
But do not fret, it is me, not you. I am just not strong enough yet.