Twilight: a rant
so I finally broke down out of curiosity and being pestered by people and read twilight.
after fifty pages I knew what I thought. I finished just to see if maybe my mind would be changed.
it wasn't.
okay look. I'm just going to say it and I'm not going to feel bad.
What. The. Fuck. IS THAT THING?
Seriously. What's the draw of this book/series? It's not good. At all. What it is is agony and hell on paper.
Seriously, let's be fair. Writing wise:
the sentence structure is awful, clipped, and does not flow. The wording is obscenely repetititive. I have no idea how she filled nearly five hundred pages with nothing. The description is nonexistent - since when is describing eye and hair color enough? I mean dude, glorious, breathtaking, etc etc etc are NOT descriptions that can help you keep track of people. So in my mind's eye all I see are a bunch of blank people with different colored hair walking around this blank town where it rains all the time when it's not snowing.
character wise...this is worse than the final harry potter book in terms of character development.
no one learns anything. at all. there is NO growth on any level. I feel like even the bella/edward relationship doesn't grow at all. it's just BAM there. On/off/on/off, its happening no it isn't yes it is oh my god angst let's be apart let's be together...
The Bella/Edward deal is not a relationship. It's a fucking clapper.
and Bella. Oh Bella. I never thought there was anything worse than a mary sue. And then I read you. Seriously. How can a character be ugly/shy/physically awkward and yet attract every single boy she meets and somehow never have to do homework because she knows everything she's learning at school already and she reads every single classic for fun? Now I'm physically clumsy. I'm shy. I'm not stunning though I'm not bad. I'm a little socially eh. I read classics on my own and I was decentish in school...but believe me I've had a lot of oh my gawd WHAT moments. They make life so much more interesting.
Because believe me, if bella moved in and went to my school, I would freely punch her in the face for being so fucking depressing. and then I'd take her to therapy. I mean if she's that depressing that she's attracting all this negative energy and all these awful things are happening to her...maybe that's darwin's survival of the fittest theory trying to tell her something. (in my world she would move to town and james would be her lab partner and then the book would be over in fifty pages because there would no longer be a problem.)
No one in this universe is happy apparently. Ever. Man this thing should get shipped with velvet goldmine - it'd be the best fit EVER. Think of it - beautiful characters and crazy relationships and depressed all the time. It's meant to be, man.
the plot: there is none. there just isn't. No there isn't. I don't care how many times things /happen/ and shit...there is no fucking plot. There are like two scenes where I was hoping it would turn into something. It didn't. The whole meadow scene which I was told was this huge awesome deal...yawn. NONE of her vampire new angles even matter because all she does is talk about them. talk talk talk. I mean she breaks EVERY show don't tell rule about this kind of thing, and yet no one seems to have a problem with it.
to the whole 'it's about wuv blah blah blah' argument. oh good god. look, I enjoy many a romance novel, most of them stupid, plenty cliche, but usually (granted you have shit in any genre) there Is actually character progression of some sort, and there's usually at least some witty dialogue or characterization to compensate. With this you get NOTHING. AT ALL. And the worst part is it's passing itself off AS ACTUAL YOUNG ADULT LITERATURE. NO WONDER OUR FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE SO DAMN SCREWED UP.
dude, when I was that age, okay I was naive sure. I didn't know the mechanics and I was all hearts and flowers to a point, but I also loved stuff like...madeline l'engle's handling of the Yalith plotline in many waters? oh my god that woman had balls to write even the vague statemetns she did. She didnt' have to show anything "on screen" as it were, but what she crafted with that simple character and hints of things body slams the entire twilight series into the dirt. That whole book was brimming with sexual awakening and tension vs what it means to love and that wasn't even the main plotline.
Now let's talk vampires.
Look. In my reading of the genre, I admit that most romantic plotlines don't craft vampires as killers. But at least most have them using their teeth. Onscreen. Sooner than later because if the issue is "I'm a vampire oh my god I'm a killer I don't want to hurt you..." there has to be reasonable danger for this to be an issue. You never see that in this book, at least. Therefore, why should I care? I still say there can be vampire romance with vampires acting like vampires and people would be fine iwth it. But anyway...
What is the point of these things being vampires except for the fact that edward and bella can act like the aforementioned clapper? (It's on/it's off/it's on/it's off...)
You might as well have him be like a biker. Or some other kind of bad boy. or a model. or deciding his sexuality. There is NO point in having him be a vampire other than the relationship danger and...no, that's pretty much it. and having her get hurt all the time.
seriously, that's so overdone it's stupid.
and there might as well not BE any parents in this book. who the hell lets a kid act like that? And why does bella talk like she's forty?
and back to vampires...
seriously. Vampires have fangs. They use them. My whole approach to the creature is that it's like Nieztche's superman theory but with teeth. Top of the top of the food chain, those that shouldn't have certain rights above others but they do.
My gripe is that seriously, why does every vampire have a midlife crisis that turns into a huge saga? Seriously, think about it. At some point edward (and every other vampire that isn't like forced into it) have to make a choice to some extent. They choose to become vampires (because obviosly by this point he hasn't found a way to kill himself. If he thinks he's such a monster then why the hell hasn't he taken care of this already?). If you choose to become a vampire, even if you don't fully grasp what it means...I think its kind of obvious that it's going to involve adapting your lifestyle and morals. So what the hell is the problem? Where are all these morose bloodsuckers coming from? I mean god, someone feed them someone who takes prozac.
I miss when vampires used to kill people and ride motorbikes and be hot and enjoy their life work. seriously.
because compared to that sort of thing, these vampires are friggin' eunichs.
I get the braincandy draw of this, but come on. Beyond the purely misogynistic angle of this, this is just really bad, ignorant writing. Are we THAT irresponsible and in need of mindless crap that this is what we're letting our future generations read? I mean there is better genre fiction out there. There is MUCH smarter youth fiction out there, MUCH smarter plotlines and relationship stories.
I mean this is absolutely one of the worst things I've ever read in my life, and I've read some horrific stuff.
after fifty pages I knew what I thought. I finished just to see if maybe my mind would be changed.
it wasn't.
okay look. I'm just going to say it and I'm not going to feel bad.
What. The. Fuck. IS THAT THING?
Seriously. What's the draw of this book/series? It's not good. At all. What it is is agony and hell on paper.
Seriously, let's be fair. Writing wise:
the sentence structure is awful, clipped, and does not flow. The wording is obscenely repetititive. I have no idea how she filled nearly five hundred pages with nothing. The description is nonexistent - since when is describing eye and hair color enough? I mean dude, glorious, breathtaking, etc etc etc are NOT descriptions that can help you keep track of people. So in my mind's eye all I see are a bunch of blank people with different colored hair walking around this blank town where it rains all the time when it's not snowing.
character wise...this is worse than the final harry potter book in terms of character development.
no one learns anything. at all. there is NO growth on any level. I feel like even the bella/edward relationship doesn't grow at all. it's just BAM there. On/off/on/off, its happening no it isn't yes it is oh my god angst let's be apart let's be together...
The Bella/Edward deal is not a relationship. It's a fucking clapper.
and Bella. Oh Bella. I never thought there was anything worse than a mary sue. And then I read you. Seriously. How can a character be ugly/shy/physically awkward and yet attract every single boy she meets and somehow never have to do homework because she knows everything she's learning at school already and she reads every single classic for fun? Now I'm physically clumsy. I'm shy. I'm not stunning though I'm not bad. I'm a little socially eh. I read classics on my own and I was decentish in school...but believe me I've had a lot of oh my gawd WHAT moments. They make life so much more interesting.
Because believe me, if bella moved in and went to my school, I would freely punch her in the face for being so fucking depressing. and then I'd take her to therapy. I mean if she's that depressing that she's attracting all this negative energy and all these awful things are happening to her...maybe that's darwin's survival of the fittest theory trying to tell her something. (in my world she would move to town and james would be her lab partner and then the book would be over in fifty pages because there would no longer be a problem.)
No one in this universe is happy apparently. Ever. Man this thing should get shipped with velvet goldmine - it'd be the best fit EVER. Think of it - beautiful characters and crazy relationships and depressed all the time. It's meant to be, man.
the plot: there is none. there just isn't. No there isn't. I don't care how many times things /happen/ and shit...there is no fucking plot. There are like two scenes where I was hoping it would turn into something. It didn't. The whole meadow scene which I was told was this huge awesome deal...yawn. NONE of her vampire new angles even matter because all she does is talk about them. talk talk talk. I mean she breaks EVERY show don't tell rule about this kind of thing, and yet no one seems to have a problem with it.
to the whole 'it's about wuv blah blah blah' argument. oh good god. look, I enjoy many a romance novel, most of them stupid, plenty cliche, but usually (granted you have shit in any genre) there Is actually character progression of some sort, and there's usually at least some witty dialogue or characterization to compensate. With this you get NOTHING. AT ALL. And the worst part is it's passing itself off AS ACTUAL YOUNG ADULT LITERATURE. NO WONDER OUR FUTURE GENERATIONS ARE SO DAMN SCREWED UP.
dude, when I was that age, okay I was naive sure. I didn't know the mechanics and I was all hearts and flowers to a point, but I also loved stuff like...madeline l'engle's handling of the Yalith plotline in many waters? oh my god that woman had balls to write even the vague statemetns she did. She didnt' have to show anything "on screen" as it were, but what she crafted with that simple character and hints of things body slams the entire twilight series into the dirt. That whole book was brimming with sexual awakening and tension vs what it means to love and that wasn't even the main plotline.
Now let's talk vampires.
Look. In my reading of the genre, I admit that most romantic plotlines don't craft vampires as killers. But at least most have them using their teeth. Onscreen. Sooner than later because if the issue is "I'm a vampire oh my god I'm a killer I don't want to hurt you..." there has to be reasonable danger for this to be an issue. You never see that in this book, at least. Therefore, why should I care? I still say there can be vampire romance with vampires acting like vampires and people would be fine iwth it. But anyway...
What is the point of these things being vampires except for the fact that edward and bella can act like the aforementioned clapper? (It's on/it's off/it's on/it's off...)
You might as well have him be like a biker. Or some other kind of bad boy. or a model. or deciding his sexuality. There is NO point in having him be a vampire other than the relationship danger and...no, that's pretty much it. and having her get hurt all the time.
seriously, that's so overdone it's stupid.
and there might as well not BE any parents in this book. who the hell lets a kid act like that? And why does bella talk like she's forty?
and back to vampires...
seriously. Vampires have fangs. They use them. My whole approach to the creature is that it's like Nieztche's superman theory but with teeth. Top of the top of the food chain, those that shouldn't have certain rights above others but they do.
My gripe is that seriously, why does every vampire have a midlife crisis that turns into a huge saga? Seriously, think about it. At some point edward (and every other vampire that isn't like forced into it) have to make a choice to some extent. They choose to become vampires (because obviosly by this point he hasn't found a way to kill himself. If he thinks he's such a monster then why the hell hasn't he taken care of this already?). If you choose to become a vampire, even if you don't fully grasp what it means...I think its kind of obvious that it's going to involve adapting your lifestyle and morals. So what the hell is the problem? Where are all these morose bloodsuckers coming from? I mean god, someone feed them someone who takes prozac.
I miss when vampires used to kill people and ride motorbikes and be hot and enjoy their life work. seriously.
because compared to that sort of thing, these vampires are friggin' eunichs.
I get the braincandy draw of this, but come on. Beyond the purely misogynistic angle of this, this is just really bad, ignorant writing. Are we THAT irresponsible and in need of mindless crap that this is what we're letting our future generations read? I mean there is better genre fiction out there. There is MUCH smarter youth fiction out there, MUCH smarter plotlines and relationship stories.
I mean this is absolutely one of the worst things I've ever read in my life, and I've read some horrific stuff.