he's "really single."
Agent J2:
He wrote in his journal that he's "really single," which I really have no idea what the fuck that is supposed to mean. They way that he phrased it was as if he really didn't give a shit at all, like it didn't phase him in the least, that him and i aren't [pretend] together. I know that it bothers him, I mean, he told me that he wishes there was another way to go about things, and how if there was then he'd want to do that - but he didn't have any other choice. Which, attacking that topic, I feel like I'd try so much harder to try to work things out. For example, I'd try really hard no matter how much I failed and caused myself pain and whatnot to try to fulfill the sort of expectations that he'd have for me, but that he couldn't try in the least to sort of curb his own expectations. >>Agent J2 calls<<
8:10 p.m.
Basically, he understands what I'm saying, but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I really wish I knew exactly how to let him understand that. I feel like I understand where he's coming from because I'm able to put myself in his situation. I guess, for now, I'll just be trying to express what was going on such that he would be able to put himself in my shoes. He wanted me to write him a letter and send it to him so that it'll be easier for him to compile what I said and what he thinks about it. I asked him if he needed to compile his thoughts as in this sort of reverse attack argument sort of way, which is a better way to phrase the way I was asking, and he said no. Here's my letter:
Heavy emphasis on the word: we. I hate using the word ‘you’ when I’m discussing things like this. I try to use other words instead because ‘you’ tends to come off as overly accusing. So yeah.
The thing that makes me uncomfortable/unsettled/unfulfilled with the thought of “giving up” on us being together for right now is that I feel like the main issue that we had was just placed as my problem, and never something that we could figure out or work on. As I tried to fulfill any expectations that you had for me as a “boyfriend” (no matter how much I fucked up, wasn’t successful, caused both of us to be upset), because it was seen as my problem that I had to work at, I ended up feeling like there wasn’t any attempt [to compromise] being made in our relationship. And when I think about us “giving up,” I feel like that’s occurring without an honest effort. I wish that the question you had - what you could do about the situation - was turned into what we could do about it.
It bothers me a lot to think that we are giving up on being together right now when I feel like to some extent we didn’t try. I guess I want you to try to understand that I wanted to be fulfilling your expectations very much (even if it meant that I was causing myself a lot of problems), and I guess what that means to me or what it was like… (?) - like, how I wouldn’t just be making that kind of effort for anyone, and how hard I was attempting to make the effort. - I feel that while I was making efforts for us to be okay, there wasn’t much of an effort being made back.
At least for right now, I understand that Agent J2 and I being friends is a better thing. To put simply, we can't have each other as boyfriends when it's just not possible. This, of course, does really upset me because I want very badly for things to be right and ideolistic with Agent J2. The above letter doesn't mean that I want things between Agent J2 and I to go back to how it was, it just bothers me immensely how it has ended. And yeah.
He wrote in his journal that he's "really single," which I really have no idea what the fuck that is supposed to mean. They way that he phrased it was as if he really didn't give a shit at all, like it didn't phase him in the least, that him and i aren't [pretend] together. I know that it bothers him, I mean, he told me that he wishes there was another way to go about things, and how if there was then he'd want to do that - but he didn't have any other choice. Which, attacking that topic, I feel like I'd try so much harder to try to work things out. For example, I'd try really hard no matter how much I failed and caused myself pain and whatnot to try to fulfill the sort of expectations that he'd have for me, but that he couldn't try in the least to sort of curb his own expectations. >>Agent J2 calls<<
8:10 p.m.
Basically, he understands what I'm saying, but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I really wish I knew exactly how to let him understand that. I feel like I understand where he's coming from because I'm able to put myself in his situation. I guess, for now, I'll just be trying to express what was going on such that he would be able to put himself in my shoes. He wanted me to write him a letter and send it to him so that it'll be easier for him to compile what I said and what he thinks about it. I asked him if he needed to compile his thoughts as in this sort of reverse attack argument sort of way, which is a better way to phrase the way I was asking, and he said no. Here's my letter:
Heavy emphasis on the word: we. I hate using the word ‘you’ when I’m discussing things like this. I try to use other words instead because ‘you’ tends to come off as overly accusing. So yeah.
The thing that makes me uncomfortable/unsettled/unfulfilled with the thought of “giving up” on us being together for right now is that I feel like the main issue that we had was just placed as my problem, and never something that we could figure out or work on. As I tried to fulfill any expectations that you had for me as a “boyfriend” (no matter how much I fucked up, wasn’t successful, caused both of us to be upset), because it was seen as my problem that I had to work at, I ended up feeling like there wasn’t any attempt [to compromise] being made in our relationship. And when I think about us “giving up,” I feel like that’s occurring without an honest effort. I wish that the question you had - what you could do about the situation - was turned into what we could do about it.
It bothers me a lot to think that we are giving up on being together right now when I feel like to some extent we didn’t try. I guess I want you to try to understand that I wanted to be fulfilling your expectations very much (even if it meant that I was causing myself a lot of problems), and I guess what that means to me or what it was like… (?) - like, how I wouldn’t just be making that kind of effort for anyone, and how hard I was attempting to make the effort. - I feel that while I was making efforts for us to be okay, there wasn’t much of an effort being made back.
At least for right now, I understand that Agent J2 and I being friends is a better thing. To put simply, we can't have each other as boyfriends when it's just not possible. This, of course, does really upset me because I want very badly for things to be right and ideolistic with Agent J2. The above letter doesn't mean that I want things between Agent J2 and I to go back to how it was, it just bothers me immensely how it has ended. And yeah.