New Beginnin's
So, yeah. I'm gonna try and start over here. Deleted the majority of my past posts, and I just might delete all of them.
I went out with a guy I really like, and I still do like. I'm not sure if I...Love him that way. I do love him, but I also have friends that I love. But I do know I had romantic feelings for him, so maybe I did love him. Who knows. It doesn't really matter now.
I didn't really ask him out. I wanted to try and get to know him better, but he kind of assumed that we were going out at some point. So I went along with it. The beginning of the relationship was okay, but I will still bothered by a few things: his lack of affection, his subtle and sometimes direct guilt-tripping of me for not wanting to engage in sexual acts, and some other stuff that threw me off that I didn't like. Not that he was necessarily saying to me, "You're stupid for not wanting to have sex with me," but more so along the lines that I was wrong for not wanting to do that with anyone in the near future, and that he couldn't be with someone who wouldn't do that.
I'm not sure what happened, but at some point, we loved each other very much. We had kissed the first time and such, hugged each other, had fun with each other, and it was great. I was really...happy. He was too. I don't know how long that lasted, though. Stuff changed...He changed and basically became a douche. Though I moreso believe he didn't become a douche, but that was his real personality. He had finally become relaxed in the relationship, and that was his true self. Of course, there were things about him that I still liked: his intelligence, sense of humor, attitude sometimes...But his constant insults and put-downs became too much. He came off as kidding almost all of those times, but you still don't do that constantly to someone you care about. I began to not like him. I remember sometimes even thinking to myself, "I hate him," and having no dissenting parties in my mind. But I still cared about him a lot, and I guess I thought things would just 'get better'. Bleh.
That didn't happen, obviously. XD He broke up with me last Wednesday over the phone, sounding like crap. He's goes on to say how he doesn't want us to 'walk away hating each other', and wanted to be friends. You know what his reason for the break-up was? 'I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I want to move on.' Which is basically some BS that means, "I'm tired of you, and I'm probably liking some other chick." What a tard. >_< But he went on and on about wanting to be friends, and didn't answer him at the time. The following night, I wrote him a letter that basically detailed all the stuff I think went wrong in our relationship, and that I wasn't sure if we could be friends.
The following Saturday night, I was talking to my friend Liz, and he called...Apparently, he called from a restricted number a few times just to hear my voice. I talked to him and asked him questions about stuff, and he basically said that the relationship was dying, and that it couldn't really be saved. Missing the 'there's another girl' part, though. MEH. But I ended up talking to him, and it was nice. But I also hate it, because at some point, we wanted to be with each other and were talking about nice stuff, but then he said he we should sleep on it. The next day, he doesn't even mention what happened over the phone, wtf? I asked him about it, and he said he wasn't sure if he would want to ask me out again. I'M not sure either.
So we have been talking on the phone for the past few night, kind of like nothing happened, except now there is really nothing romantic.
I feel kind of sick about the whole situation. Yesterday he hugged me three times because he wanted to, but I don't know why. He tells me he still loves me, but then is like, 'bleh'.
But I don't know if I want to get back with him. Sure, things were nice and I cared about him a lot-I still do- but I just don't see it working. You can't change people. I want to be able to move on, better improve myself, and if another person happens to come along in the future, then so be it. I believe I can get so much more better in life than him, and I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. The phonecall conversations are very nice and revive old memories, but I just feel like it would be best for me to just move on. I didn't deserve the crap he gave me. I guess we didn't mesh that much...We kind of did in a weird way, but then we didn't. Blah. It is painful to think I wouldn't ever talk to him on the phone again, or at least in a long time, but...NO. I don't want to get screwed over again, just so he can be like, "Oh, LOL I'll talk to you a lot and stuff and I still care about you and such but OH LOOK HEY it's that girl I like lol too bad I'll get with her and leave you here still having lingering emotions while I go and enjoy life." It's just bullshit, you know? A part of me is like, "Screw this Caress," but then another part is like, "Maybe there's still a chance!"
So, I don't know if I can still move on, but talk to him. It kind of depends on whether or not he'll even ask me out again. He doesn't seem willing now, but may change. I can't move on until I kind of know certain stuff. But that just makes me more confused. Romance is evil.
I feel really stupid. But in the meantime, I have to focus on myself, as vain as that sounds. I have to find my 'niche' in life, or begin to try and do that. If I can't be happy with myself, how could I possibly be in a cooperative relationship? I just wish I knew how to go about finding myself and being truly happy...
Edit: Bloop! I cried. A lot. It was horrifying, because I had never cried so much and so hard in my whole life. It was strange: it wouldn't be because I wanted him back, because I missed the 'good times' of the relationshiop. It was awful. But I stopped crying when he called me, wtf? Hssk...
I went out with a guy I really like, and I still do like. I'm not sure if I...Love him that way. I do love him, but I also have friends that I love. But I do know I had romantic feelings for him, so maybe I did love him. Who knows. It doesn't really matter now.
I didn't really ask him out. I wanted to try and get to know him better, but he kind of assumed that we were going out at some point. So I went along with it. The beginning of the relationship was okay, but I will still bothered by a few things: his lack of affection, his subtle and sometimes direct guilt-tripping of me for not wanting to engage in sexual acts, and some other stuff that threw me off that I didn't like. Not that he was necessarily saying to me, "You're stupid for not wanting to have sex with me," but more so along the lines that I was wrong for not wanting to do that with anyone in the near future, and that he couldn't be with someone who wouldn't do that.
I'm not sure what happened, but at some point, we loved each other very much. We had kissed the first time and such, hugged each other, had fun with each other, and it was great. I was really...happy. He was too. I don't know how long that lasted, though. Stuff changed...He changed and basically became a douche. Though I moreso believe he didn't become a douche, but that was his real personality. He had finally become relaxed in the relationship, and that was his true self. Of course, there were things about him that I still liked: his intelligence, sense of humor, attitude sometimes...But his constant insults and put-downs became too much. He came off as kidding almost all of those times, but you still don't do that constantly to someone you care about. I began to not like him. I remember sometimes even thinking to myself, "I hate him," and having no dissenting parties in my mind. But I still cared about him a lot, and I guess I thought things would just 'get better'. Bleh.
That didn't happen, obviously. XD He broke up with me last Wednesday over the phone, sounding like crap. He's goes on to say how he doesn't want us to 'walk away hating each other', and wanted to be friends. You know what his reason for the break-up was? 'I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I want to move on.' Which is basically some BS that means, "I'm tired of you, and I'm probably liking some other chick." What a tard. >_< But he went on and on about wanting to be friends, and didn't answer him at the time. The following night, I wrote him a letter that basically detailed all the stuff I think went wrong in our relationship, and that I wasn't sure if we could be friends.
The following Saturday night, I was talking to my friend Liz, and he called...Apparently, he called from a restricted number a few times just to hear my voice. I talked to him and asked him questions about stuff, and he basically said that the relationship was dying, and that it couldn't really be saved. Missing the 'there's another girl' part, though. MEH. But I ended up talking to him, and it was nice. But I also hate it, because at some point, we wanted to be with each other and were talking about nice stuff, but then he said he we should sleep on it. The next day, he doesn't even mention what happened over the phone, wtf? I asked him about it, and he said he wasn't sure if he would want to ask me out again. I'M not sure either.
So we have been talking on the phone for the past few night, kind of like nothing happened, except now there is really nothing romantic.
I feel kind of sick about the whole situation. Yesterday he hugged me three times because he wanted to, but I don't know why. He tells me he still loves me, but then is like, 'bleh'.
But I don't know if I want to get back with him. Sure, things were nice and I cared about him a lot-I still do- but I just don't see it working. You can't change people. I want to be able to move on, better improve myself, and if another person happens to come along in the future, then so be it. I believe I can get so much more better in life than him, and I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. The phonecall conversations are very nice and revive old memories, but I just feel like it would be best for me to just move on. I didn't deserve the crap he gave me. I guess we didn't mesh that much...We kind of did in a weird way, but then we didn't. Blah. It is painful to think I wouldn't ever talk to him on the phone again, or at least in a long time, but...NO. I don't want to get screwed over again, just so he can be like, "Oh, LOL I'll talk to you a lot and stuff and I still care about you and such but OH LOOK HEY it's that girl I like lol too bad I'll get with her and leave you here still having lingering emotions while I go and enjoy life." It's just bullshit, you know? A part of me is like, "Screw this Caress," but then another part is like, "Maybe there's still a chance!"
So, I don't know if I can still move on, but talk to him. It kind of depends on whether or not he'll even ask me out again. He doesn't seem willing now, but may change. I can't move on until I kind of know certain stuff. But that just makes me more confused. Romance is evil.
I feel really stupid. But in the meantime, I have to focus on myself, as vain as that sounds. I have to find my 'niche' in life, or begin to try and do that. If I can't be happy with myself, how could I possibly be in a cooperative relationship? I just wish I knew how to go about finding myself and being truly happy...
Edit: Bloop! I cried. A lot. It was horrifying, because I had never cried so much and so hard in my whole life. It was strange: it wouldn't be because I wanted him back, because I missed the 'good times' of the relationshiop. It was awful. But I stopped crying when he called me, wtf? Hssk...