(no subject)
so I've been thinking about my tendency to sort of mythologize some of my friends. Off the top of my head: Andre, Katie Worth, Cozeth, Al, Nathan Matthews. And really, I don't have much contact with any of those people other than Cozeth anymore, and I wonder if that's part of why. either I'm not 'cool' enough for them (read as: good enough for them) or I don't want to bring them back to the realm of the merely mortal by hanging out with them.
unconsciously, of course.
But I saw Katie Worth (and I'm glad that I don't blog on facebook, 'cause almost all of the above are there, while only Cz, from whom I have no secrets, embarrassing or otherwise, reads this) in a cafe the other day and just ducked my head. had no idea what I would've said to her, but it was clearly a weird reaction. here's this person I really like! quick! avoid her! I didn't bring my phone numbers to SF this weekend, so I couldn't get hold of either Danae or Andre, which sucks, 'cause it would've been nice to see a friendly / sane face. i'm not a very good friend in that I have a hard time keeping track of people, keeping in touch, once we're not in the same city. I *am* a good friend in that I continue to feel connected to and affectionate towards people, even after I rationally shouldn't because I don't keep in touch with them. In my head, most *real* friendships maintain themselves, simply remain. like unused telephone lines. the fact of the lines doesn't change, even if nothing is being transmitted on them.
I know that that analogy is false, though. for most people and msot friendships, at least.
working on that.
also I feel really adult right now. the trappings of adulthood are slowly accumulating around me, at least. next weekend my daughter and I will drive down to Aptos alone together, for two days of interaction without her mother around, at my sisters wedding. Daughter, car (borrowed but basically mine), new credit card, large family gatherings. adulthood? I'll tell y'all the secret that everyone knows: I want to be married already. it feels dumb and incorrect to me that I don't have a partner already. Frustrated at self for not allowing relationships to proceed at a better pace, in healthier ways, earlier in life. now I feel like I'm racing the clock a little. dumb, yes. but still there.
well, that's enough mind-vomit for now. love to all.
unconsciously, of course.
But I saw Katie Worth (and I'm glad that I don't blog on facebook, 'cause almost all of the above are there, while only Cz, from whom I have no secrets, embarrassing or otherwise, reads this) in a cafe the other day and just ducked my head. had no idea what I would've said to her, but it was clearly a weird reaction. here's this person I really like! quick! avoid her! I didn't bring my phone numbers to SF this weekend, so I couldn't get hold of either Danae or Andre, which sucks, 'cause it would've been nice to see a friendly / sane face. i'm not a very good friend in that I have a hard time keeping track of people, keeping in touch, once we're not in the same city. I *am* a good friend in that I continue to feel connected to and affectionate towards people, even after I rationally shouldn't because I don't keep in touch with them. In my head, most *real* friendships maintain themselves, simply remain. like unused telephone lines. the fact of the lines doesn't change, even if nothing is being transmitted on them.
I know that that analogy is false, though. for most people and msot friendships, at least.
working on that.
also I feel really adult right now. the trappings of adulthood are slowly accumulating around me, at least. next weekend my daughter and I will drive down to Aptos alone together, for two days of interaction without her mother around, at my sisters wedding. Daughter, car (borrowed but basically mine), new credit card, large family gatherings. adulthood? I'll tell y'all the secret that everyone knows: I want to be married already. it feels dumb and incorrect to me that I don't have a partner already. Frustrated at self for not allowing relationships to proceed at a better pace, in healthier ways, earlier in life. now I feel like I'm racing the clock a little. dumb, yes. but still there.
well, that's enough mind-vomit for now. love to all.