(no subject)
I think it's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything worth reading. So, I will make this an update that is full of information, but maybe not so much full of coherent thought. Perhaps this is the end of my meaningless one-word, or one-puerile-topic posts, but who knows? Old habits die hard. In any case, this will surely be meaningless and complainingful. I'm not quite intelligent enough to write anything with depth.
I'll start with family.
My mum's divorce is final, and this is fairly monumental to me. It's been a long time since I've lived together only with my mother, and though she and I rip each other apart on a daily basis, it's still far less stressful than any family situation I've yet endured. I hope to god that we never have to deal with the Rhode Island court system again. I'm also stepfather-less. And believe me, that would be a beautiful thing to be able to say if you'd had Ben Simson for a stepfather.
Unfortunately, however, I still get upset when my other family is mentioned. I can't even think of them without my throat clenching. I suppose a lot of children go through lives where one or both of their parents have spurned them, yet it still doesn't make it all that easy, having a father who literally doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and a stepmother who hates the very fabric of my being. I also have even seen my little sisters in what, four years now? I absolutely adore my sisters. I've seen pictures of them, and they are positively breathtaking. I know that Harmony is being brought up to hate me, and that Felicity is being brought up not even knowing I exist. One has to be the black sheep, but I can't say that I enjoy it.
I'm awfully sick of this family business. Still, I blame myself for everything that's happened in my past.
The light side of this is that my mum and I are moving to North Kingstown. Hopefully Monday, we'll have been approved for the apartment we put in for, which is lovely. I'm so very glad to be getting out of SK.
Which brings me to another topic:
South Kingstown is a nice town, good people, good kids. Better than Narragansett, anyway, but I'm hearlity glad to be getting away from here. I must say that I am intensely dissatisfied in the way that many of the people I have met here have acted in the past, and even in the more recent past. I don't expect to find better at NK, but it'll at least be a change.
I'm a bit emotionally distraught right now, which is perhaps from where this lengthy entry has spawned. I have a sinking feeling that I may have just ruined Emily's relationship, because at least I and emily know that this boy has a tendency to doubt. I can't blame the damn boy for not wanting to befriend me; I'm filling the exact role I think he thought I would fill. It may seem a little trite, but to me it is most devastating. I did not mean to wreak any carnage in their relationship with my and she's hopes for the future. Who'd ever have thought that a simple vow to be next-door neighbors could potentially be so ruinous?
And then, in talking to my friend Chris about it, whom I love dearly, I said something that was obviously really stupid (after I had said it). I of course did not mean it that way; I thought I was merely stating fact. Shows how incredibly intelligent I am. I feel like I've just been wrecking relationships and spirits all week. Anything I say and do has been the hailing of mass emotional destruction. Forgive me that is far, far too lofty of me. I do feel that I have been dealing a good hand of wretchedness, however.
Then there is, of course, the pressing issue of my self-esteem. Summed up very succinctly, if my self-esteem does not improve from what it is (nonexistent?), then I basically have no chance in ever finding anyone to fall in love with and marry and spend my life with, because no one can handle someone who doubts themselves constantly. Except Emily. Sorry Em. It's really not a very heartening prospect. I can understand not being wanted because I am, in fact, unworthy of anyone, but dear. It's such a terrible thing to think that I'll end up alone with an awful lot of cats because I was either 1. in fact inferior to everyone I ever came across, or 2. felt I was inferior to everyone I came across. Either way, in all my own perspective, I think = I am. I dislike very much thinking that I will never have a happy relationship and the family I so wish for.
This is what I get for being a romantic. Ah, me.
This is also what I get for having my mother and father's genes combined. A very unfortunate pairing, in chemicals and in appearance.
P.S. I have a MySpace now. systemsmalfunction. Add it, because I said so, even though doing so may result in me tearing your relationships apart, as well. In that light, I'll said: Add with Caution.
Oi.
I'll start with family.
My mum's divorce is final, and this is fairly monumental to me. It's been a long time since I've lived together only with my mother, and though she and I rip each other apart on a daily basis, it's still far less stressful than any family situation I've yet endured. I hope to god that we never have to deal with the Rhode Island court system again. I'm also stepfather-less. And believe me, that would be a beautiful thing to be able to say if you'd had Ben Simson for a stepfather.
Unfortunately, however, I still get upset when my other family is mentioned. I can't even think of them without my throat clenching. I suppose a lot of children go through lives where one or both of their parents have spurned them, yet it still doesn't make it all that easy, having a father who literally doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and a stepmother who hates the very fabric of my being. I also have even seen my little sisters in what, four years now? I absolutely adore my sisters. I've seen pictures of them, and they are positively breathtaking. I know that Harmony is being brought up to hate me, and that Felicity is being brought up not even knowing I exist. One has to be the black sheep, but I can't say that I enjoy it.
I'm awfully sick of this family business. Still, I blame myself for everything that's happened in my past.
The light side of this is that my mum and I are moving to North Kingstown. Hopefully Monday, we'll have been approved for the apartment we put in for, which is lovely. I'm so very glad to be getting out of SK.
Which brings me to another topic:
South Kingstown is a nice town, good people, good kids. Better than Narragansett, anyway, but I'm hearlity glad to be getting away from here. I must say that I am intensely dissatisfied in the way that many of the people I have met here have acted in the past, and even in the more recent past. I don't expect to find better at NK, but it'll at least be a change.
I'm a bit emotionally distraught right now, which is perhaps from where this lengthy entry has spawned. I have a sinking feeling that I may have just ruined Emily's relationship, because at least I and emily know that this boy has a tendency to doubt. I can't blame the damn boy for not wanting to befriend me; I'm filling the exact role I think he thought I would fill. It may seem a little trite, but to me it is most devastating. I did not mean to wreak any carnage in their relationship with my and she's hopes for the future. Who'd ever have thought that a simple vow to be next-door neighbors could potentially be so ruinous?
And then, in talking to my friend Chris about it, whom I love dearly, I said something that was obviously really stupid (after I had said it). I of course did not mean it that way; I thought I was merely stating fact. Shows how incredibly intelligent I am. I feel like I've just been wrecking relationships and spirits all week. Anything I say and do has been the hailing of mass emotional destruction. Forgive me that is far, far too lofty of me. I do feel that I have been dealing a good hand of wretchedness, however.
Then there is, of course, the pressing issue of my self-esteem. Summed up very succinctly, if my self-esteem does not improve from what it is (nonexistent?), then I basically have no chance in ever finding anyone to fall in love with and marry and spend my life with, because no one can handle someone who doubts themselves constantly. Except Emily. Sorry Em. It's really not a very heartening prospect. I can understand not being wanted because I am, in fact, unworthy of anyone, but dear. It's such a terrible thing to think that I'll end up alone with an awful lot of cats because I was either 1. in fact inferior to everyone I ever came across, or 2. felt I was inferior to everyone I came across. Either way, in all my own perspective, I think = I am. I dislike very much thinking that I will never have a happy relationship and the family I so wish for.
This is what I get for being a romantic. Ah, me.
This is also what I get for having my mother and father's genes combined. A very unfortunate pairing, in chemicals and in appearance.
P.S. I have a MySpace now. systemsmalfunction. Add it, because I said so, even though doing so may result in me tearing your relationships apart, as well. In that light, I'll said: Add with Caution.
Oi.