Entry - 14 - Third attempt
I had another post I was mid-writing last week about fear and for some reason I dropped mid way. I didn't want to come back to it until now because of panic. For the past week, I've been on the cusp of a panic attack. It is very odd too because I just woke up with it. One night I was having a strange dream, as usual, and all of a sudden I woke up breathing heavy and worried. I wasn't even sure what I was worrying about. And then of course thats when my mind starts spiraling - school work, conference paper, grading, bills, bullshit drama at the department. Yes, there is still bullshit going on in the department. I have heard twice, from two different sources, that my name is still being circulated around even after a previous agreement with the department. Annoying to say the least.
And now on my third attempt to write this post, I don't really know what to add other than I am at the point of giving up. I keep asking myself what are the restrictions of happiness? As in, is happiness a temporary state? is it something that you don't really achieve but work towards? And in either case how do you know when you are ever going in the right direction? Emo - I know. But really, I keep wondering why success and happiness have to be some sort of intertwined goal. As in, me trying to become successful (in the social/economic way) that it will definitely make me happy. And I am sure the money will, and I am sure rubbing a Phd in people's face will give me some satisfaction, but after that, what else does it really do for me? I've spoken to people who saying getting a phd will hamper me getting most non-researching jobs because I will just be over qualified. Is that worth risking for a degree that I don't even value at this point? As far as the masters, it is really becoming something I don't want to bother with either mostly because I know its a pokemon coin flip and those never work out for me (I'm STILL asleep?). I mean, that could just be pessimism but its also exhaustion. I have never been so tired of doing. For 3 years I've just trudged along with academia. As I was explaining to my friend Nicky, - I feel like I am walking through a thick swamp and its getting deeper and the swamp is getting thicker. It is getting harder to get through but I can keep going. I just know if I can get to where I want to be before I drown. At this point, I can't get through an article without pausing and really feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. It has taken me over 4 hours to make a simple outline for a presentation on a single article. Its not from laziness, its from not being able to get through the reading without being extremely exhausted.
At least my three rats are keeping me entertained - Ava, Eva (the divas), and Agnus. They are too adorable.
And now on my third attempt to write this post, I don't really know what to add other than I am at the point of giving up. I keep asking myself what are the restrictions of happiness? As in, is happiness a temporary state? is it something that you don't really achieve but work towards? And in either case how do you know when you are ever going in the right direction? Emo - I know. But really, I keep wondering why success and happiness have to be some sort of intertwined goal. As in, me trying to become successful (in the social/economic way) that it will definitely make me happy. And I am sure the money will, and I am sure rubbing a Phd in people's face will give me some satisfaction, but after that, what else does it really do for me? I've spoken to people who saying getting a phd will hamper me getting most non-researching jobs because I will just be over qualified. Is that worth risking for a degree that I don't even value at this point? As far as the masters, it is really becoming something I don't want to bother with either mostly because I know its a pokemon coin flip and those never work out for me (I'm STILL asleep?). I mean, that could just be pessimism but its also exhaustion. I have never been so tired of doing. For 3 years I've just trudged along with academia. As I was explaining to my friend Nicky, - I feel like I am walking through a thick swamp and its getting deeper and the swamp is getting thicker. It is getting harder to get through but I can keep going. I just know if I can get to where I want to be before I drown. At this point, I can't get through an article without pausing and really feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. It has taken me over 4 hours to make a simple outline for a presentation on a single article. Its not from laziness, its from not being able to get through the reading without being extremely exhausted.
At least my three rats are keeping me entertained - Ava, Eva (the divas), and Agnus. They are too adorable.