ENTRY - 10 - RESTART
Ok, I am restarting writing on here because gosh darnnit I need to start keeping myself responsible for something and I think this could be it. Sadly, I've been meaning to write back in here for months, but always had a reason not to - don't have time, not enough to say, who cares? Regardless, it's time to start again, and will try to hold myself to at least a weekly post.
In one big news since last post - I have closed one relationship door and opened another. I finally feel like I have put my ex (Dennis) behind me. After this summer, and him continuining to act like he has acted for years, I finally realized I just had enough. I've come to terms with feeling that I am more important to myself than he is (que Samantha from Sex and the City - I love you but I love me more). I ended up just ending after a long email (which he didn't respond to and I took as a tacit acceptance of the situation). So I proceeded to wash that man right outta my hair and sent him on his way. I even - gasp - blocked him on facebook (so you know it's serious). But as that door closed, I luckily found a very available (and handsome) door...in Canada. For the sake of documenting, his name is Ducois and though he lives in Toronto, he only moved there 3 years ago from South Africa. He's my age (a month older), openly gay, and a graduate student in interior design. He already is worlds ahead of what I've been dealing with in my previous relationships. After only talking for a short while, we became boyfriends, and shortly after that, I took a trip to Canada. Thank's to Zury, I know how to pack my Uhaul quick ;) And this is definitely a first - I am usually the one keeping my arms out and the wall up. This time, I am not letting that become an issue. We've decided that communication is going to be the cornerstone of our relationship and I think it will get us far (I mean we are already deciding the house we are going to build together and the kids we are going to have).
Other than that - I had my first orientation today, so it is officially happening - school is starting. I am the general displeased of having to "go back" but glad I have something to do other than Nokia work and lounging about (though I did manage to squeeze in marathoning all 8 seasons of Charmed in the last few weeks). I think this year is going to be weird to process because I am still wavering on whether I want to stay after this year or not. Should i work hard on continuing my grad education or start working on setting up alternative options? I'm getting material to start studying for the Praxis exam, and looking up programs in Korea, and also working on a paper to (hopefully) present with Rachel and Zury on a panel. I am thrilled that I don't feel suffocated by the prospect of me doing this program or nothing. I felt for so long (before I even started this program) that I need to follow what will keep me stable for now, what will get me money to pay my bills. I didn't allow myself to want to try something daring because there was always the risk that I'd fail and be broke and homeless. Drastic, but unfortunately a reality of my situation. I never felt that I had a good enough support system from my family (economically) to help me if I ever did fail in a daring challenge or move. In part it is my own fault for not saying fuck it and trying anyway and I am trying to rectify that now. Stay with the safe choice or try something new? Though I hate the nature of scholarship in academia, I wish I could say I hate researching in general. Today while in orientation, I started brainstorming ideas for a possible dissertation that is incorporating many of my other papers. Women studies as the feminine commodity in the university - how is it "sold to men/masculine" identity, how is it advertised etc. I mean, these definitely need to get fleshed out, but I got excited to try to come up with ideas for this topic. I was a bit shocked by it because I've been on the steadily increasing (currently at 81.5%) assurance that I will just get the masters and leave. We will see if I somehow get reconverted to academia this year. I will not be fully involved with the department (and certain somebodies.....) and i will be in courses I think I am going to enjoy, so maybe there will be a chance? eh, I won't hold my breath lol.
So for now I guess that's the big wrap up. I am sure there is more to tell, but for the few people who actually read this, I am sure you know the details :)
In one big news since last post - I have closed one relationship door and opened another. I finally feel like I have put my ex (Dennis) behind me. After this summer, and him continuining to act like he has acted for years, I finally realized I just had enough. I've come to terms with feeling that I am more important to myself than he is (que Samantha from Sex and the City - I love you but I love me more). I ended up just ending after a long email (which he didn't respond to and I took as a tacit acceptance of the situation). So I proceeded to wash that man right outta my hair and sent him on his way. I even - gasp - blocked him on facebook (so you know it's serious). But as that door closed, I luckily found a very available (and handsome) door...in Canada. For the sake of documenting, his name is Ducois and though he lives in Toronto, he only moved there 3 years ago from South Africa. He's my age (a month older), openly gay, and a graduate student in interior design. He already is worlds ahead of what I've been dealing with in my previous relationships. After only talking for a short while, we became boyfriends, and shortly after that, I took a trip to Canada. Thank's to Zury, I know how to pack my Uhaul quick ;) And this is definitely a first - I am usually the one keeping my arms out and the wall up. This time, I am not letting that become an issue. We've decided that communication is going to be the cornerstone of our relationship and I think it will get us far (I mean we are already deciding the house we are going to build together and the kids we are going to have).
Other than that - I had my first orientation today, so it is officially happening - school is starting. I am the general displeased of having to "go back" but glad I have something to do other than Nokia work and lounging about (though I did manage to squeeze in marathoning all 8 seasons of Charmed in the last few weeks). I think this year is going to be weird to process because I am still wavering on whether I want to stay after this year or not. Should i work hard on continuing my grad education or start working on setting up alternative options? I'm getting material to start studying for the Praxis exam, and looking up programs in Korea, and also working on a paper to (hopefully) present with Rachel and Zury on a panel. I am thrilled that I don't feel suffocated by the prospect of me doing this program or nothing. I felt for so long (before I even started this program) that I need to follow what will keep me stable for now, what will get me money to pay my bills. I didn't allow myself to want to try something daring because there was always the risk that I'd fail and be broke and homeless. Drastic, but unfortunately a reality of my situation. I never felt that I had a good enough support system from my family (economically) to help me if I ever did fail in a daring challenge or move. In part it is my own fault for not saying fuck it and trying anyway and I am trying to rectify that now. Stay with the safe choice or try something new? Though I hate the nature of scholarship in academia, I wish I could say I hate researching in general. Today while in orientation, I started brainstorming ideas for a possible dissertation that is incorporating many of my other papers. Women studies as the feminine commodity in the university - how is it "sold to men/masculine" identity, how is it advertised etc. I mean, these definitely need to get fleshed out, but I got excited to try to come up with ideas for this topic. I was a bit shocked by it because I've been on the steadily increasing (currently at 81.5%) assurance that I will just get the masters and leave. We will see if I somehow get reconverted to academia this year. I will not be fully involved with the department (and certain somebodies.....) and i will be in courses I think I am going to enjoy, so maybe there will be a chance? eh, I won't hold my breath lol.
So for now I guess that's the big wrap up. I am sure there is more to tell, but for the few people who actually read this, I am sure you know the details :)