Entry - 6 - Dealing with Personal Failures - Emo Post
Failure - it's been on my mind recently. Actually its been sinking my consciousness into this constant questioning and fear. I'm not a stranger to this feeling. It always seems to grip me at the most inopportune times. Whenever I am making strides and actually feeling confident enough about what I am doing, the pendulum eventually swings back and knocks me off my optimistic high horse. My heart suddenly beats much faster, breathing becomes erratic, and my body starts to shut down. I can't concentrate on anything, and the only thing I can think about is escaping. I want to be out from where I am - be it a relationship, location, occupation - and just go. All I can formulate in my head are escape routes, alternate plans, a different future, a new beginning. And it isn't because the situation is bad - no usually the situation is fine - it's me that I am worrying about. I am plagued by my own insecurity. I constantly feel stupid, inarticulate, lucky rather than skilled , destined for failure, a conman about to get caught at any second. When are they going to realize that I am faking it? That my "intelligence" is just bullshit I am stringing together? When are they going to realize that I am never going to amount to much - just another pedestrian both on the street and in life? And of course this seems fishing for a compliment - I realize the tone in it. But its not. It really isn't. A compliment won't help. It hasn't ever helped. Usually it just shames me into ignoring those feelings for a while until the rise to the top again. Is this typical for everyone or is something wrong with me? I know my mother has a medical history that includes depression, bi-polar tendencies, and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I could tell she sees it in me and it scares her. It scares me. I've always dealt with these issues, either alone or through bitching to friends, but they don't go away. The more it persists, the more I feel the story gets lame, redundant, same-ole same-ole get over it already! The feeling like I can't say anything feels like its choking me and just makes me want to start over again. If i just start over, no one who knows me, no one who can connect me to the past, maybe then I can restart, or reboot. That probably wont work. I'll be weak and return. Half for the comfort that the past brings, and half for the fear that the unknown holds. I am just a weak person. I know that by now. Weak in the sense that I snap, or break or subject to emotional shift off of simple stimuli. Now what to do about that? I am not sure. I am hoping that writing about this here will help, but who knows.