(no subject)
Disclaimer: This will pretty much be a rant.
Lately I've been in a 'mood'. An incompetent mood. I feel that though I can do well in school I am utterly unintelligent. Day after day I am surrounded by these amazing beings who don't always perform their best in school, but they are the most intellectual individuals that I have ever come across. Compared to them I feel so small and unimportant. They are my closest relations and I love them for their ability and talent. However, I can not help but think that I don't fit correctly with them. That I can't live up to them.
In addition to this 'mood' that I have seemed to develop, I have discovered that I have this presence that either people are enjoy or hate. There really isn't an in between. People either like having me around or they hate anytime when I am within the same vicinity. But, of course, everyone can claim this.
I don't get any pleasure from interaction with my family. And though people might say that it is only situational, or that it's because I don't try to enjoy being around them, or that they're your fanily no matter how much you don't like them sometimes, that you really do obtain happiness from interacting with them, I don't. I understand that one should probably like their family because you're stuck with them, but I don't. If they weren't my family and I met them I wouldn't want to surround myself with their presence, so why should I have to change my opinion because they're my family? Yes, sometimes I do "get along with them" meaning we aren't arguing, but these are usually rare.
I don't enjoy it when they yell at me for wanting to go somewhere. I realize I do want to go places often as I have a want to have a social life, but they don't need to yell and argue over it. With arguments occurring constantly in my house and most often having to have something to do with me, I am exhausted.
This morning I was woke up by my father telling me to do the dishes because the horseshoer is coming today. Okay, fine. I can handle some lack of sleep. I went and started washing the dishes, having to do them all by hand because the dishwasher is already running. Okay, fine. My mother then starts telling me I'm washing them the wrong way and that there's a set way to clean dirty dishes in our house. I need to do it that way and not follow the way I always wash dishes. I tell her that I always do it that way. She starts yelling at me and eventually I give in because it isn't worth it. However, now I'm tired and grumpy. And continue doing dishes not taking care of how gently they are done. Yelled for for having an attitude and that I never do anything around this house blahblahblah. Okay, fine. But then Jereme is mentioned. Who isn't home. Who has actually spent the night at his friends and most likely won't return until late in the afternoon. I am frustrated. I continue doing the dishes, but then tell my mother that I am in need of a ride to the library to do my homework because we don't have Microsoft Word. She blows up because I want to go somewhere and she never gets to do things on the weekend. Hello, I said homework, school related activity. I need to get projects done, I need Word. This leads into again that I want to go places too often and that I don't do anything unless I want something, and that I should do more around the house especially on the weekdays because I have less homework then Jereme.And that's where I got angry and am still pissed off at them. Why would they think that? It doesn't make any sense.
Right now I don't think much things in my life make sense to me.
Lately I've been in a 'mood'. An incompetent mood. I feel that though I can do well in school I am utterly unintelligent. Day after day I am surrounded by these amazing beings who don't always perform their best in school, but they are the most intellectual individuals that I have ever come across. Compared to them I feel so small and unimportant. They are my closest relations and I love them for their ability and talent. However, I can not help but think that I don't fit correctly with them. That I can't live up to them.
In addition to this 'mood' that I have seemed to develop, I have discovered that I have this presence that either people are enjoy or hate. There really isn't an in between. People either like having me around or they hate anytime when I am within the same vicinity. But, of course, everyone can claim this.
I don't get any pleasure from interaction with my family. And though people might say that it is only situational, or that it's because I don't try to enjoy being around them, or that they're your fanily no matter how much you don't like them sometimes, that you really do obtain happiness from interacting with them, I don't. I understand that one should probably like their family because you're stuck with them, but I don't. If they weren't my family and I met them I wouldn't want to surround myself with their presence, so why should I have to change my opinion because they're my family? Yes, sometimes I do "get along with them" meaning we aren't arguing, but these are usually rare.
I don't enjoy it when they yell at me for wanting to go somewhere. I realize I do want to go places often as I have a want to have a social life, but they don't need to yell and argue over it. With arguments occurring constantly in my house and most often having to have something to do with me, I am exhausted.
This morning I was woke up by my father telling me to do the dishes because the horseshoer is coming today. Okay, fine. I can handle some lack of sleep. I went and started washing the dishes, having to do them all by hand because the dishwasher is already running. Okay, fine. My mother then starts telling me I'm washing them the wrong way and that there's a set way to clean dirty dishes in our house. I need to do it that way and not follow the way I always wash dishes. I tell her that I always do it that way. She starts yelling at me and eventually I give in because it isn't worth it. However, now I'm tired and grumpy. And continue doing dishes not taking care of how gently they are done. Yelled for for having an attitude and that I never do anything around this house blahblahblah. Okay, fine. But then Jereme is mentioned. Who isn't home. Who has actually spent the night at his friends and most likely won't return until late in the afternoon. I am frustrated. I continue doing the dishes, but then tell my mother that I am in need of a ride to the library to do my homework because we don't have Microsoft Word. She blows up because I want to go somewhere and she never gets to do things on the weekend. Hello, I said homework, school related activity. I need to get projects done, I need Word. This leads into again that I want to go places too often and that I don't do anything unless I want something, and that I should do more around the house especially on the weekdays because I have less homework then Jereme.And that's where I got angry and am still pissed off at them. Why would they think that? It doesn't make any sense.
Right now I don't think much things in my life make sense to me.