she asked me today how i felt, i told her, numb.
"ask yourself -is this a good choice?- we all learn from the mistakes we make, and were not human if we dont make mistakes, if we dont regret, if we dont make bad judgments. you dont have to look towards drugs or alcohol for a sense of comfort, they help you at the time, but you cant hide forever, your eventually going to have to face your problems and your feelings."
i must admit it does give you time to relax and calm down, forgetting about what is going on, but what about when tomorrow comes? are you just going to cover up your feelings again? one way or another your going to have to fix what has been screwed up. if you hadnt noticed, the situation just gets worse and your relationships go down hill if you keep telling yourself that youll deal with it tomorrow. but what i noticed is when i am high i dont think, i cant tell what is right and what would be wrong, i know the difference between the two, but i get mixed up in a mess of confussion and i dont ask my self, if it is a good choice, and if i would benefit from it or if i would i just fall harder. it usually ends up as me falling, and im just done with it all. for me i am a high cause of the problems in my life right now, and i need to correct everything and i cant do that being high, i cant do that if i cant think, id just let it go until i am forced to deal with it, and when i do face it, and it seems to be solved, most of the time there is always a small part that never is resolved, and in the future i have to deal with that, sometimes i cant even fix it. i think me being sober and me making better choices, i will have a better relationship with not only my dad, family and friends but with myself. today i got to the point of not caring about my own existance, i had gottin my self over the edge, and i felt worthless, i felt like the number one cause of my dads depression. i hadnt cried as much as i did today in a long time. today was the first day i didnt cry just by myself but with a grown man. i finally felt the feeling of being worth something, that i was needed, and it would just make life harder if i did just give up.
when i was in the shelter i had talked to a lot of people who had tried to help me with my self hatred and how i have never put myself in front of anyone, i had always been the last on my list to help. i made the right decision to listen to them, and know that it is alright to be selfish once in awhile, that im all i really have, no one can take that away from me, im just as important as the ones i love, but i made the bad decision of looking towards drugs as my choice of dealing with myself, and my problems when i thought i couldnt handle it, i thought it was helping me but it was just distroying me. i took their advice to look towards something that makes me happy, but they werent telling me to do drugs, i didnt really think about what i was doing, because i had never thought of myself, and it was the first thing that made me feel something i had never felt before. i liked that feeling when i did it, but after, that feeling just faded away and i missed it so i got high again, and again and again. but its not the healthy way to go about, it just goes away when im straight and i would rather have a feeling like that, that i diserve and that i worked hard for, that way i can hold on to it.
meshelle, my therapist asked me today what i like to do for fun, what i do for myself when im not smoking, and i couldnt really think of a straight answer, i sat there for a couple minutes and the best i could think of was chilling with my friends. i love my friends, sometimes i think they are the best things in my life, that i could never be here if it wasnt for them. i just wish i had something better to say. i miss the sports and the family vacations. before i did drugs, honestly life was so much easier, i could think and i could make decisions, it wasnt perfect, but i had control over it. im going to accept all the help that comes my way no matter how much i dont want it, because i do need it, even though i think i dont, i need help more then ever.
"the sky is the limit for you honey, you are capable of doing anything, and i need you more then you think."
i must admit it does give you time to relax and calm down, forgetting about what is going on, but what about when tomorrow comes? are you just going to cover up your feelings again? one way or another your going to have to fix what has been screwed up. if you hadnt noticed, the situation just gets worse and your relationships go down hill if you keep telling yourself that youll deal with it tomorrow. but what i noticed is when i am high i dont think, i cant tell what is right and what would be wrong, i know the difference between the two, but i get mixed up in a mess of confussion and i dont ask my self, if it is a good choice, and if i would benefit from it or if i would i just fall harder. it usually ends up as me falling, and im just done with it all. for me i am a high cause of the problems in my life right now, and i need to correct everything and i cant do that being high, i cant do that if i cant think, id just let it go until i am forced to deal with it, and when i do face it, and it seems to be solved, most of the time there is always a small part that never is resolved, and in the future i have to deal with that, sometimes i cant even fix it. i think me being sober and me making better choices, i will have a better relationship with not only my dad, family and friends but with myself. today i got to the point of not caring about my own existance, i had gottin my self over the edge, and i felt worthless, i felt like the number one cause of my dads depression. i hadnt cried as much as i did today in a long time. today was the first day i didnt cry just by myself but with a grown man. i finally felt the feeling of being worth something, that i was needed, and it would just make life harder if i did just give up.
when i was in the shelter i had talked to a lot of people who had tried to help me with my self hatred and how i have never put myself in front of anyone, i had always been the last on my list to help. i made the right decision to listen to them, and know that it is alright to be selfish once in awhile, that im all i really have, no one can take that away from me, im just as important as the ones i love, but i made the bad decision of looking towards drugs as my choice of dealing with myself, and my problems when i thought i couldnt handle it, i thought it was helping me but it was just distroying me. i took their advice to look towards something that makes me happy, but they werent telling me to do drugs, i didnt really think about what i was doing, because i had never thought of myself, and it was the first thing that made me feel something i had never felt before. i liked that feeling when i did it, but after, that feeling just faded away and i missed it so i got high again, and again and again. but its not the healthy way to go about, it just goes away when im straight and i would rather have a feeling like that, that i diserve and that i worked hard for, that way i can hold on to it.
meshelle, my therapist asked me today what i like to do for fun, what i do for myself when im not smoking, and i couldnt really think of a straight answer, i sat there for a couple minutes and the best i could think of was chilling with my friends. i love my friends, sometimes i think they are the best things in my life, that i could never be here if it wasnt for them. i just wish i had something better to say. i miss the sports and the family vacations. before i did drugs, honestly life was so much easier, i could think and i could make decisions, it wasnt perfect, but i had control over it. im going to accept all the help that comes my way no matter how much i dont want it, because i do need it, even though i think i dont, i need help more then ever.
"the sky is the limit for you honey, you are capable of doing anything, and i need you more then you think."