the return
Could this really be my life? So much is happening and so much has changed. For so long till i can remember i've been analytical, each day of my life i find the time to analyze it. Grip my brain and hold it in my hand and stare. What does that mean? could i have any more question to ask myself? i wish i didn't give a fuck. No scratch that i wish i couldn't give a fuck.
I think i just found out why people don't have relationships. first to prove to themselves that they aren't capable to loving another being and definitely not ever getting hurt by love. Second believing that ever allowing themselves to fall in love will just end in heartbreak. Oh and third maybe the fear of commitment, well it is. Scary i mean. its not so much as allowing yourself to fall in love it kinda just happens. When it does its so amazing, to hear another person feel the same you feel about them is indescribable, but some people actually fear it. Its not that its scary literally, but that you don't want to lose it. Having it makes you want it.
could i defeat the fear? If i lose love will i survive?
Do you know what's sad? ( i know my entry is kinda dismal but bare with me)
i hate when I'm happy, no don't get me wrong everyone wants to be happy. Its just every time i am i feel like i"m out of place, its not "out of place" but, i feel because i am something unhappy is going to come and take it away. Like God and the Devil are looking down at us and making sure there's always something to be unhappy about. I hate it because when I'm happy there's always something that takes it away. Am i the only one?
EXAMPLE* I had the best evening with my boyfriend, so great i was singing with a smile on face as i drove home. think that would last? ten minutes into the car i drove over a fucking rabbit. Terrible that's all i could think about! the ghastly thump. OH that thump.
(But he made me feel better after i text him)
You want to know something ells? I'm a really lucky Guy. I really don't have luck, but this guy came into my life, I'm not sure if it was fate, or the fact that we were both intoxicated. But whatever it is, he is the most amazing guy I've ever known. and he's good to me. and i love him.
I think i just found out why people don't have relationships. first to prove to themselves that they aren't capable to loving another being and definitely not ever getting hurt by love. Second believing that ever allowing themselves to fall in love will just end in heartbreak. Oh and third maybe the fear of commitment, well it is. Scary i mean. its not so much as allowing yourself to fall in love it kinda just happens. When it does its so amazing, to hear another person feel the same you feel about them is indescribable, but some people actually fear it. Its not that its scary literally, but that you don't want to lose it. Having it makes you want it.
could i defeat the fear? If i lose love will i survive?
Do you know what's sad? ( i know my entry is kinda dismal but bare with me)
i hate when I'm happy, no don't get me wrong everyone wants to be happy. Its just every time i am i feel like i"m out of place, its not "out of place" but, i feel because i am something unhappy is going to come and take it away. Like God and the Devil are looking down at us and making sure there's always something to be unhappy about. I hate it because when I'm happy there's always something that takes it away. Am i the only one?
EXAMPLE* I had the best evening with my boyfriend, so great i was singing with a smile on face as i drove home. think that would last? ten minutes into the car i drove over a fucking rabbit. Terrible that's all i could think about! the ghastly thump. OH that thump.
(But he made me feel better after i text him)
You want to know something ells? I'm a really lucky Guy. I really don't have luck, but this guy came into my life, I'm not sure if it was fate, or the fact that we were both intoxicated. But whatever it is, he is the most amazing guy I've ever known. and he's good to me. and i love him.