(no subject)
I’ve been wanting to write in this really bad, but something or another has been keeping me from doing it. Either Ashley, or my computer fucking up. Im not going to go over the events of the last few days because I don’t feel like typing it. I know in my head. All I will speak for is today.
Lets see. My mom brought me to school this morning and pointed out the window. There were three signs sticking in the ground at the front of my neighborhood that said “forgive me abbey”. I tried not to like it. My mom thinks he’s crazy. I think he spelled “forgive” wrong, haha. I had an easy day at school. I talked to Mr. Bird about everything. He gave me his somewhat appreciated opinion. It started hailing like a motherfucker in 4th period. I was out playing in it, and I saw chase running up to the school. I pretended like I didn’t see him when I went to the bathroom, and I pretended like I didn’t hear him when he called my name. I don’t even know why. I went to his car after school and he took me home. I kinda did but kinda didn’t think that would happen again. It turns out that there was supposed to be...i think 26 signs, but the wind sucks. i still never saw what they said. He got me five dozen roses in four colors. How many is that? ……….(5 minutes later)……60 roses. Damn. + three other times he’s gotten me flowers……..woah. he has given me a total of 96 roses. That’s a lot of flowers. We talked for a while and I told him how I didn’t want(need) to see him until June 1. I wonder if he really thinks this is so easy for me. That’s 5 ½ weeks not seeing him. I never thought that would happen, but it has to. I just need to see how we feel then. Maybe he’ll feel different, or maybe I will. I’d say its pretty likely for one of us. Im scared though. Very very very scared. I never would’ve broken up with Nathan if chase wasn’t there. But that still wasn’t the only reason I did. All I know is, I had such strong feelings for Nathan and then chase came along right as we were going downhill. I deceived the person I loved at that time. I told him that things weren’t going to work right then because we had to hide everything. I told him how I promised we’d get back together when everything was alright with my family. I kept assuring him that I couldn’t fall in love with anyone else, and I didn’t think I would. But I did. I knew I shouldn’t have told him that but how could I not? I was scared that I would love chase somehow. I went from telling Nathan I loved him to pretty much betraying him. But isn’t that how it always goes? I never thought I would get to the point that I did. The point where I PROMISED over and over that I would call him on Saturday night, and I would remember that promise while I was talking to chase. But chase asked me to please not talk to nathan when we got off the phone and I said ok. I didn’t even promise but I still said ok. Chase had no idea how big of a deal that was, because I never told him.I went to bed knowing Nathan who still loved me was waiting and waiting for me to call like I said. I got so many messages from him saying “don’t forget to call me!” remember to call me I’ll be waiting!”, But I couldn’t because I wanted to be honest with chase from the beginning. I already knew me and Nathan were over so I figured whats the point. Im definitely not saying all this implying that I regret breaking up with him or that im scared I will meet someone else. It’s the other way around. I know how it is to be that person. I wasn’t lying to him when I said I wont fall in love with anyone else. Its just something you cant help.
Now here I am with 5 ½ weeks to watch and wait and think. It all sounds so much more simple than it is. I may have made it sound like I have control. If only it was like that. When he talks to me I am always listening. I am always thinking. No…..yes…..then no. I don’t talk because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. I think he’s already said too much. I think he always says too much.
oh well, enough of all this. when I went inside with my flowers my mom was like “uuuuh, that’s a little much, but it will help me decorate for the baby shower” haha. She cut them all for me and put them in vases. I’ll let her enjoy them all over the house just for tomorrow.
Ps) baby shower + keg = just my style
Lets see. My mom brought me to school this morning and pointed out the window. There were three signs sticking in the ground at the front of my neighborhood that said “forgive me abbey”. I tried not to like it. My mom thinks he’s crazy. I think he spelled “forgive” wrong, haha. I had an easy day at school. I talked to Mr. Bird about everything. He gave me his somewhat appreciated opinion. It started hailing like a motherfucker in 4th period. I was out playing in it, and I saw chase running up to the school. I pretended like I didn’t see him when I went to the bathroom, and I pretended like I didn’t hear him when he called my name. I don’t even know why. I went to his car after school and he took me home. I kinda did but kinda didn’t think that would happen again. It turns out that there was supposed to be...i think 26 signs, but the wind sucks. i still never saw what they said. He got me five dozen roses in four colors. How many is that? ……….(5 minutes later)……60 roses. Damn. + three other times he’s gotten me flowers……..woah. he has given me a total of 96 roses. That’s a lot of flowers. We talked for a while and I told him how I didn’t want(need) to see him until June 1. I wonder if he really thinks this is so easy for me. That’s 5 ½ weeks not seeing him. I never thought that would happen, but it has to. I just need to see how we feel then. Maybe he’ll feel different, or maybe I will. I’d say its pretty likely for one of us. Im scared though. Very very very scared. I never would’ve broken up with Nathan if chase wasn’t there. But that still wasn’t the only reason I did. All I know is, I had such strong feelings for Nathan and then chase came along right as we were going downhill. I deceived the person I loved at that time. I told him that things weren’t going to work right then because we had to hide everything. I told him how I promised we’d get back together when everything was alright with my family. I kept assuring him that I couldn’t fall in love with anyone else, and I didn’t think I would. But I did. I knew I shouldn’t have told him that but how could I not? I was scared that I would love chase somehow. I went from telling Nathan I loved him to pretty much betraying him. But isn’t that how it always goes? I never thought I would get to the point that I did. The point where I PROMISED over and over that I would call him on Saturday night, and I would remember that promise while I was talking to chase. But chase asked me to please not talk to nathan when we got off the phone and I said ok. I didn’t even promise but I still said ok. Chase had no idea how big of a deal that was, because I never told him.I went to bed knowing Nathan who still loved me was waiting and waiting for me to call like I said. I got so many messages from him saying “don’t forget to call me!” remember to call me I’ll be waiting!”, But I couldn’t because I wanted to be honest with chase from the beginning. I already knew me and Nathan were over so I figured whats the point. Im definitely not saying all this implying that I regret breaking up with him or that im scared I will meet someone else. It’s the other way around. I know how it is to be that person. I wasn’t lying to him when I said I wont fall in love with anyone else. Its just something you cant help.
Now here I am with 5 ½ weeks to watch and wait and think. It all sounds so much more simple than it is. I may have made it sound like I have control. If only it was like that. When he talks to me I am always listening. I am always thinking. No…..yes…..then no. I don’t talk because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. I think he’s already said too much. I think he always says too much.
oh well, enough of all this. when I went inside with my flowers my mom was like “uuuuh, that’s a little much, but it will help me decorate for the baby shower” haha. She cut them all for me and put them in vases. I’ll let her enjoy them all over the house just for tomorrow.
Ps) baby shower + keg = just my style