Hitting a snag.(ANGST)
Okay... I guess it's safe to say that I've fallen into a rut - or a "trench," as some may phrase. Nothing really new... but I loathe it when this happens...
It's probably a good time to say that I'm a sufferer of anxiety and depression. Right now, I'm in the latter - and it's gotten to the point where I can't even really cry about it. Believe me when I say I'd love to cry... It would feel awesome if I could... but I can't, really. In the meantime, my body takes it physically... I feel pretty sick in the stomach, right now. I can't run around and exercise with a fractured elbow, I can't draw with my right arm...
And at the same time, it's getting difficult to talk to my friends at school. It's always like I'm putting up a wall, when I feel like I need 'em the most. I don't want to be dependent, or become a hindrance to them, but I have the most difficult time turning to people for help. I know, deep down, that it's the right thing to do, but... I don't know. It's like I'm in a cycle of breaking down completely, once every 2-3 months. The same process occurs, I'm whisked to the councillor, or a friend of mine, we talk, I settle down, go back to class... I'm tired of it.
I guess I feel like everything I say is rather unresolved. I blubber too much when I'm crying to really get out what I want to say. And when I manage to actually speak, I don't actually get out what I want, in words.
...I guess that's one of the reasons why I decided to start up this journal. Not for angsting in, necessarily - believe me when I say that. But just saying what I really feel, as I'm not exactly a very talkative person in real life.
I'll say something that's been bothering me for a while - social life.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I do have friends. True friends, and everyday friends, to be exact. I've been in the same school all my life - I'm in 11th Grade, at the moment. And... well, for the entire time I've been there...
Ostracized isn't the right word. That's way too assuming of me. But I kinda feel like there's this wall. I built a wall a while ago, or it just built itself during the years. I wasn't a very sociable kid - kinda shy, never really talking to anybody. Instead of playing, I'd go off and walk around on my own. I didn't really share any interests with anybody - girls liked Delta Goodrem and Girlfriend Magazine, I preferred Pokemon and drilling at my Game Boy.
And, well... I do prefer my own company a lot of the time... but at the same time, I get lonely. So, I sometimes sought out the company of others, but never really spoke. I didn't really know how... just that I wanted to get to know them, somewhat. If they wanted to let me, that is. Problem? I didn't ask that. I just kinda hovered around the group, not saying anything and automatically deflecting any questions directed at me.
So, that wall just kept getting bigger, and I just kept getting lonelier - right up until a few people met me and smashed it down. These people are now my closest friends, and I've known them ever since. But the vast majority of our grade... I suppose they don't know exactly what to think of me.
And I don't know what to think of them.
When one of these guys talks to me, believe me when I say that I am so, so happy. I just get the impression that I don't look it. Or my response doesn't really encourage them to keep talking to me. ("It's okay." or "You don't have to." often fly out of my mouth. It's almost impulsive...) I'm always the last one to be placed into a group, if I'm in a class with these people. Selfishly enough, I get pretty irritated when that happens. It's unfair of me to say that, but after having it happen to you for ten years, it gets old very fast.
Still... I guess the worst thing about it is that I feel like I'm asking for more than I should. I already have several friends and people I can talk to, right? But...
...I feel like I'm unnecessary. If I was taken out of the big picture, would anybody notice? Would my friends be distraught, or move on? I've always been there... I've always been there! Was my presence even felt by those guys?
Oh, God, listen to me... I'm sounding like a brat... >_<; I guess I just want someone who'll need me... because I feel like I'm leeching off of some people, and simply "there" for others.
I'm just... I'm sick of being like this... I don't want to 'end it,' - I think that's the easy way out - and I know I'd hurt several people in the process. But I just... don't want to be like this, I guess...
I don't know. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, and things will be totally different. But I'm seriously considering anti-depressants, now... I've had this since late primary school, and it's been quite a cycle ever since...
So... maybe I'll just ask my psychiatrist about it...
Ignore this post, if you'd like... it's just something I needed to get out. And for those who read it already, my apologies.
Maybe things'll be better tomorrow.
I don't know...
It's probably a good time to say that I'm a sufferer of anxiety and depression. Right now, I'm in the latter - and it's gotten to the point where I can't even really cry about it. Believe me when I say I'd love to cry... It would feel awesome if I could... but I can't, really. In the meantime, my body takes it physically... I feel pretty sick in the stomach, right now. I can't run around and exercise with a fractured elbow, I can't draw with my right arm...
And at the same time, it's getting difficult to talk to my friends at school. It's always like I'm putting up a wall, when I feel like I need 'em the most. I don't want to be dependent, or become a hindrance to them, but I have the most difficult time turning to people for help. I know, deep down, that it's the right thing to do, but... I don't know. It's like I'm in a cycle of breaking down completely, once every 2-3 months. The same process occurs, I'm whisked to the councillor, or a friend of mine, we talk, I settle down, go back to class... I'm tired of it.
I guess I feel like everything I say is rather unresolved. I blubber too much when I'm crying to really get out what I want to say. And when I manage to actually speak, I don't actually get out what I want, in words.
...I guess that's one of the reasons why I decided to start up this journal. Not for angsting in, necessarily - believe me when I say that. But just saying what I really feel, as I'm not exactly a very talkative person in real life.
I'll say something that's been bothering me for a while - social life.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I do have friends. True friends, and everyday friends, to be exact. I've been in the same school all my life - I'm in 11th Grade, at the moment. And... well, for the entire time I've been there...
Ostracized isn't the right word. That's way too assuming of me. But I kinda feel like there's this wall. I built a wall a while ago, or it just built itself during the years. I wasn't a very sociable kid - kinda shy, never really talking to anybody. Instead of playing, I'd go off and walk around on my own. I didn't really share any interests with anybody - girls liked Delta Goodrem and Girlfriend Magazine, I preferred Pokemon and drilling at my Game Boy.
And, well... I do prefer my own company a lot of the time... but at the same time, I get lonely. So, I sometimes sought out the company of others, but never really spoke. I didn't really know how... just that I wanted to get to know them, somewhat. If they wanted to let me, that is. Problem? I didn't ask that. I just kinda hovered around the group, not saying anything and automatically deflecting any questions directed at me.
So, that wall just kept getting bigger, and I just kept getting lonelier - right up until a few people met me and smashed it down. These people are now my closest friends, and I've known them ever since. But the vast majority of our grade... I suppose they don't know exactly what to think of me.
And I don't know what to think of them.
When one of these guys talks to me, believe me when I say that I am so, so happy. I just get the impression that I don't look it. Or my response doesn't really encourage them to keep talking to me. ("It's okay." or "You don't have to." often fly out of my mouth. It's almost impulsive...) I'm always the last one to be placed into a group, if I'm in a class with these people. Selfishly enough, I get pretty irritated when that happens. It's unfair of me to say that, but after having it happen to you for ten years, it gets old very fast.
Still... I guess the worst thing about it is that I feel like I'm asking for more than I should. I already have several friends and people I can talk to, right? But...
...I feel like I'm unnecessary. If I was taken out of the big picture, would anybody notice? Would my friends be distraught, or move on? I've always been there... I've always been there! Was my presence even felt by those guys?
Oh, God, listen to me... I'm sounding like a brat... >_<; I guess I just want someone who'll need me... because I feel like I'm leeching off of some people, and simply "there" for others.
I'm just... I'm sick of being like this... I don't want to 'end it,' - I think that's the easy way out - and I know I'd hurt several people in the process. But I just... don't want to be like this, I guess...
I don't know. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, and things will be totally different. But I'm seriously considering anti-depressants, now... I've had this since late primary school, and it's been quite a cycle ever since...
So... maybe I'll just ask my psychiatrist about it...
Ignore this post, if you'd like... it's just something I needed to get out. And for those who read it already, my apologies.
Maybe things'll be better tomorrow.
I don't know...