(no subject)
i write these word tonight because, just like the thoughts that inspired all of my previouse entries, i don't want to lose them in the wide empty abis that is my poor memory. i sat here going over it in my head just now thinking that i won't put it on here, i'll just remember it so i can tell everyhting to allie as soon as her hockey practice is over...but no, i'll forget by then. i always do. that's why i put it in here. this way even if i forget what caused this feeling, i'll know what was going through my head. and so will you. whoever decides to read this. i wish i knew who..but i can't. there's no way.
so now i must assume that every1 will read this. my meaningless thoughts. the things i say when i'm at my lowest point of self esteem every once in a while. it's when allie's asleep that i have no1 to talk to. or, like tonight, when she's at practice. or shoudl i be saying YOU? cuz i know you will read this now. when u get home. in 2 days we can go through all of these if you want. i can explain them maybe. if you want. it's always what you want. cuz that's what i want. i only put my foot down on things that i really care about..otherwise it's what you want. like you say u don't care if our kids play ice hockey. i say they will at least give it a try. u say no cooking, we can go out every night...yea right babe you know that wont happen.. u tried to do my hair n i fixed it. u say wear tighter pants n i say no. well i mean, if u show me what u want n i decide im ok with it then maybe ill buy a pair...cuz thats how i am im open to things. im so rediculously easygoing. thats 1 of the reasons why you and i are so perfect tho... i truely believe that.
baby you know i would never hit you. as mad as people get me..unless it's in hockey im not about to hit them...except for my dad but that's a much longer story with waay too much background to go over right now. you are welcome to ask me about it, cuz id love to see that ur interested but u don't have to.. anyway, other than my dad and hockey, in the past 10 years ive only had one aggressive act and that was slapping my sister once. other than that i had never layed a finger on her. i've always been the strong 1 in school, at home, and as soon as i realized it i kept any urge to hit some1 repressed inside of me. i dont want to hurt any1, and CERTAINLY not you, physically or emotionally. if i ever do, please just let me make it right again.
another reason i write in here is because i'm scared. i know u say im not supposed to be the scared 1...i'm the strong 1, right? well not always i guess. see, i know that i will love you no matter what. you could be crippled, fat, jessica simpson-dumb. i will always love you. i'm not sure if it's the same the other way around tho. i know u say u don't like showing emotions n w/e but if you would love me regaurdless then please let me know somehow. on friends last night ross was sad cuz rachel had slept with a bunch of guys n he had only been with like 2 girls. well she got on top of him and held his face close to hers and told him that they had a special connection n he's so much better than the others n hecka stuff.. i dunno i guess i don't want to show u my insecurities cuz i wanna be strong for u. but at the same time i feel like i need to be comforted like that. cuz i do still get scared. saras back again. the fact that she keeps coming back scares me :/ that's why i asked u last night what u see now when u think of ur future. u said u have a few things u think of...one involves me. one still involves michelle, n to tell u the truth im not worried about that 1. but r there others? maybe with sara? that is what scares me, well it makes me nervouse at least. to tell u the truth if u say this weekend "lets go chill with sara" like u did the last two times, i will for sure say no.
baby if u n i lived together then i wouldn't need this livejournal. i would have u to talk to all the time. to whisper my every thought to. but when u go to sleep i'm still sitting here alone. n when u go to sleep with things unresolved with me they grow exponentially in my head. and they become journal posts. maybe i should write all of this on paper so no1 but i can see it. but that's no fun..
allie you can ask any1 who knows me. i don't lie. i am physically and emotionally unable to do it. everything i have ever said to u has been true. and the whole hitting thing...well i think i already touched on that 1 but i wanted to, sure, i did. but i would never act on that feeling. i'm too good and keeping things like that inside. i would sooner cry on u than hit u. i would sooner hurt MYSELF than lay a finger on you. allie you mean the world to me. i used to tell hailey that she was right up there on my priorities with hockey...well allie u are way beyond that. you have long since surpassed hockey. i would quit hockey if that meant we could be together forever. i wish u could see how much u mean to me.
so now i must assume that every1 will read this. my meaningless thoughts. the things i say when i'm at my lowest point of self esteem every once in a while. it's when allie's asleep that i have no1 to talk to. or, like tonight, when she's at practice. or shoudl i be saying YOU? cuz i know you will read this now. when u get home. in 2 days we can go through all of these if you want. i can explain them maybe. if you want. it's always what you want. cuz that's what i want. i only put my foot down on things that i really care about..otherwise it's what you want. like you say u don't care if our kids play ice hockey. i say they will at least give it a try. u say no cooking, we can go out every night...yea right babe you know that wont happen.. u tried to do my hair n i fixed it. u say wear tighter pants n i say no. well i mean, if u show me what u want n i decide im ok with it then maybe ill buy a pair...cuz thats how i am im open to things. im so rediculously easygoing. thats 1 of the reasons why you and i are so perfect tho... i truely believe that.
baby you know i would never hit you. as mad as people get me..unless it's in hockey im not about to hit them...except for my dad but that's a much longer story with waay too much background to go over right now. you are welcome to ask me about it, cuz id love to see that ur interested but u don't have to.. anyway, other than my dad and hockey, in the past 10 years ive only had one aggressive act and that was slapping my sister once. other than that i had never layed a finger on her. i've always been the strong 1 in school, at home, and as soon as i realized it i kept any urge to hit some1 repressed inside of me. i dont want to hurt any1, and CERTAINLY not you, physically or emotionally. if i ever do, please just let me make it right again.
another reason i write in here is because i'm scared. i know u say im not supposed to be the scared 1...i'm the strong 1, right? well not always i guess. see, i know that i will love you no matter what. you could be crippled, fat, jessica simpson-dumb. i will always love you. i'm not sure if it's the same the other way around tho. i know u say u don't like showing emotions n w/e but if you would love me regaurdless then please let me know somehow. on friends last night ross was sad cuz rachel had slept with a bunch of guys n he had only been with like 2 girls. well she got on top of him and held his face close to hers and told him that they had a special connection n he's so much better than the others n hecka stuff.. i dunno i guess i don't want to show u my insecurities cuz i wanna be strong for u. but at the same time i feel like i need to be comforted like that. cuz i do still get scared. saras back again. the fact that she keeps coming back scares me :/ that's why i asked u last night what u see now when u think of ur future. u said u have a few things u think of...one involves me. one still involves michelle, n to tell u the truth im not worried about that 1. but r there others? maybe with sara? that is what scares me, well it makes me nervouse at least. to tell u the truth if u say this weekend "lets go chill with sara" like u did the last two times, i will for sure say no.
baby if u n i lived together then i wouldn't need this livejournal. i would have u to talk to all the time. to whisper my every thought to. but when u go to sleep i'm still sitting here alone. n when u go to sleep with things unresolved with me they grow exponentially in my head. and they become journal posts. maybe i should write all of this on paper so no1 but i can see it. but that's no fun..
allie you can ask any1 who knows me. i don't lie. i am physically and emotionally unable to do it. everything i have ever said to u has been true. and the whole hitting thing...well i think i already touched on that 1 but i wanted to, sure, i did. but i would never act on that feeling. i'm too good and keeping things like that inside. i would sooner cry on u than hit u. i would sooner hurt MYSELF than lay a finger on you. allie you mean the world to me. i used to tell hailey that she was right up there on my priorities with hockey...well allie u are way beyond that. you have long since surpassed hockey. i would quit hockey if that meant we could be together forever. i wish u could see how much u mean to me.