Slipping Into Darkness... Ch. 2
Title: Slipping Into Darkness... Ch. 2
Description: Canon AU beginning in 1983.
Warnings: MO!Jack. At least he's not dead. M/M sex and non-J/E pairings though.
Comments: Much appreciated.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, and certainly not making any money.
Rating: NC-17 eventually.
After leaving the bar, Jack drove around the perimeter of Childress for awhile and ended up parked on a little rise overlooking one of Childress' two cemeteries. A church on his left was partially obscured by a copse of low trees and bushes, and he could see the crosses in the oldest part of the graveyard but knew there was a newer, more modern section with flat headstones adjacent to it. LD was in there.
That's where I'm headed too, Jack thought. He'd gotten out to piss by a bush near his truck, as the closest road was behind him and traffic was light. The realization hit him sharply like a blow from a hammer. That's where this thing with Ennis is sending me, he was suddenly certain. I know he don't mean it like that, but the way it's going is gonna kill me, isn't it...
Jack leaned on his driver's side door. He felt like his own death had just walked right up to him, and for a few minutes, all he could do was stare down at his boots in the dirt while he finished his cigarette. He'd told Lureen that he wanted to be buried up on Brokeback but knew she didn't know where that was, or why it mattered. It was one of many secrets he'd stored up over the years. "She knows where I'm going," he used to tell himself in the early years, when his marriage still seemed like a living thing and the anticipation of another reunion with Ennis would light him up for weeks. And maybe she did. But they never talked about it, and whatever Lureen knew, she sure didn't want it in her face. As his belief that he'd eventually convince Ennis to start a life with him ground down, Jack had gotten in the habit of telling little lies to Lureen just because he could. That and the little stretches of freedom he'd carved out for himself around his day were what kept him going.
Two blackbirds took off noisily from the trees and brought him back to the moment. Shit, what if I don't wanna end up dead, he thought, at least not just yet anyway. Maybe I should just get the hell outta here... The thought made him crack a small, bitter smile, for he'd had it often enough in the rodeo days before Lureen, and acting on it had always been easy in Texas. But for a long time now, he'd assumed he'd never leave Childress without Ennis. What if it wasn't so? Jack had no idea what that looked like. The thought felt like stepping off the edge of the world, but wasn't he already done for?
I could just go back to that bar and let them kill me, Jack thought. But if I'm gonna die anyway, maybe I should just drive outta here first...
It was too hard a thought to contemplate for long, and Jack let it throw him. He headed back to the dealership and made some some calls -- and that evening, he helped Bobby with his homework and then had an extra whiskey or two in an effort to forget.
But change was on the way, because just two days later, Jack received a call from Fayette's younger brother. Joseph McAllister had gotten out of Texas early to serve in the Air Corps and then settled in Frederick, Colorado with his family. Marrying Fayette had helped LD to build his farm machine equipment business because it had been Fayette's father's business too, and part of showing his respects after the old man retired involved LD helping Joseph get established in a similar line of work up in Colorado, though Joseph favored reselling used equipment while LD pushed the new stuff as hard as possible. Jack was married to Lureen for several years before he realized that they rarely saw Joseph, even at family functions, because Fayette's brother just couldn't stand LD. It had put Jack and Lureen's uncle into an automatic accord despite their lack of familiarity.
Jack took the call in his little wood-paneled office off the showroom. He answered a few polite questions about Lureen and Bobby before Joseph got to his point. "I got buyers lined up for used equipment that's in decent shape, but Albert, my guy who drives around to check on what's worth buyin', told me last week that he's leavin' for Arizona, 'cause his wife thinks they have the right doctors for her there." Joseph wanted to know if Jack wanted the job, which would involve calls from an office plus stints of driving everywhere from Nebraska to New Mexico to assess equipment. Pay was base plus a commission. "I ain't gonna lie," Joseph concluded. "It ain't as glamorous as sellin' the new stuff and goin' to trade shows. But used equipment resells steady if it's in decent condition."
Jack told Lureen about her uncle's offer during a typical weeknight evening at home: Bobby was upstairs, ostensibly doing his homework after dinner, and she was looking over some product literature with a Movie of the Week playing half-watched in the background. Lureen's first thought was to wonder why her uncle would offer a job to her husband, her oldest if no longer her only combine salesman, of all people. She noticed that Jack wasn't holding his customary glass of whiskey but didn't know that he was delivering part of a long-rehearsed speech. She argued less than he'd anticipated, even when Jack admitted taking the job would involve a move to Colorado and hinted that they could let a separation bleed into a divorce. He wanted to see Bobby, who they both hoped would be going to college before long, and Lureen was agreeable to that too.
Every so often she'd look at him and catch a glimpse of the beautiful young man she'd fallen for under the softening muscles, the moustache and the new clothes. Sometimes he'd say something sharp or funny, and she could recall that exciting feeling from their early days, when Jack had seemed like a well-mannered handsome boy, but with an edge that meant she'd get to be bad with him. That had been thrilling. But more and more, he was silent and seemed intent on communing mostly with his whiskey. A few times, he'd shocked her by mentioning his own death, but she told herself they were far too young for that -- and besides, the older generation would go first anyway. That was sad enough, and it was a long way away. Lureen was interested in today, which meant building the business. Besides, making hard deals was easier and more satisfying than dealing with her inexplicably moody husband, even if she still craved his love on a certain level. It hadn't been pleasant to realize that he wanted sex even less than she did, but there it was. She didn't have time to think about what his moving away meant right now but she wasn't going to let it distract her.
"You sure this is what you wanna do?" Lureen asked as their talk wound down. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing," Jack admitted. "But I think I should go."
Jack had been avoiding Randall for the last little while but finally told him some of the truth when Randall stopped by the dealership, ostensibly to see if Jack wanted to head out for lunch. Jack caught Randall's eyes moving towards his office more than once, where they'd done the deed a few times when Lureen and new salesman Bob and secretary Linda were out, but Jack wasn't going down that road. They'd been out to the cabin at Lake Kemp exactly once since he'd returned from Wyoming, and Jack found it was all he could do to get through the sex. Randall had been a been a comfort to him at one time, but after that last argument with Ennis, whatever remained of the thrill of sneaking off had melted away like sand down a rabbit hole. Fucking Randall that last time had cranked up Jack's depression so acutely that he'd felt like a trapped animal, so urgently did he want out of there. He'd done the polite thing and gotten Randall off, but come up with an excuse for himself and found a reason to head back early.
Randall tried not to take the news of Jack's leaving too hard, or maybe he really didn't. "You gonna drop me a line, let me know where you end up?" he tried asking lightly when Jack talked of settling in Colorado, though he didn't yet know where -- Joseph had a few offices and he could probably land near any of them, plus there were the driving trips. Jack offered vague assent -- shit, Randall seemed to deserve a general attitude of friendliness from him, at least -- and wondered mildly if moving away would change his feelings any. He doubted it.
Telling Bobby was the last item on his mental checklist, and it sure went nothing like he expected. Jack had picked up his son from baseball practice and taken him to an early dinner at his favorite burger joint, and he tried to make everything sound as normal as possible as he described taking the job for Joseph in Colorado. He promised to have Bobby up during breaks from school, and that he'd be back down in Childress for some holidays too. Bobby just stared down at the truck floor while drinking his milkshake, to the point where Jack asked what was on his mind. "Promise you won't get mad?" Bobby asked at last.
"Yeah, I promise."
Bobby finally told him that Chris Gallagher, a mean-spirited blockhead of a kid with years of bullying behind him, had come after him last week and called his daddy queer, among other things. The kid was a cousin to the Crowes, one of whom had called Jack a name at Lucky's just recently, so Jack didn't wonder about the source of the insult. He put the matter of what it signified aside for now and asked if Bobby needed his help, but Bobby said no: his teammates would back him up, and most everyone thought of Gallagher as an inbred country idiot anyway. "It's okay, you know, if you're different," Bobby said then. He was looking away, but turned to look Jack straight in the eye with what he said next. "You're still my dad."
Jack just gaped as Bobby placidly moved on to the next item on his agenda: he wanted to study animal husbandry, maybe at Texas A&M like Mr. Malone (Bobby would be in charge of his dad's horses for now), and wanted Jack to weigh in with Lureen, who was pushing for Bobby to join her at the dealership while he "got his grades up" at the local community college. Aside from baseball, working with animals and on the personal computers that had recently made an appearance in the dealership office and the Twist study were the boy's two biggest passions, and Jack promised he would. He hugged his son tightly that night, and again when they said goodbye, as Bobby's practice started before his father was due to hit the road.
Jack had always thought it would be a great day when he drove off from Childress knowing he'd never live there again. It wasn't: a dingy summer squall was pissing down just enough rain to splatter dust everywhere, saying goodbye to Bobby left him feeling like he was making a terrible mistake even though thoughts of what the town's lesser citizens were saying about him had already burned a nagging little hole in his gut, and Lureen already seemed to be looking halfway through him. Jack had no idea where he'd end up -- not in Texas, at least, but the future was a blank. He knew now that things were never gonna magically be any different with Ennis, who'd surely be disgusted and fearful over this change -- for now, obviously, Jack must be going with other men.
Jack knew he was queer, and that Ennis hated it, and it all made him feel about as bad as he'd ever felt. Some clothing and cold weather gear and a few items for whatever bachelor quarters he landed in were loaded in the back of his truck. Thirty-nine years old and livin' outta his truck again, shit. He'd been telling himself that he'd be sticking close to the money in any case, but apparently he'd been wrong about that too. Jack hit the highway going north and looked forward to nothing. Only one thought gave him a tiny bit of comfort: at least he wasn’t leaving in a box.
tbc
Description: Canon AU beginning in 1983.
Warnings: MO!Jack. At least he's not dead. M/M sex and non-J/E pairings though.
Comments: Much appreciated.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, and certainly not making any money.
Rating: NC-17 eventually.
After leaving the bar, Jack drove around the perimeter of Childress for awhile and ended up parked on a little rise overlooking one of Childress' two cemeteries. A church on his left was partially obscured by a copse of low trees and bushes, and he could see the crosses in the oldest part of the graveyard but knew there was a newer, more modern section with flat headstones adjacent to it. LD was in there.
That's where I'm headed too, Jack thought. He'd gotten out to piss by a bush near his truck, as the closest road was behind him and traffic was light. The realization hit him sharply like a blow from a hammer. That's where this thing with Ennis is sending me, he was suddenly certain. I know he don't mean it like that, but the way it's going is gonna kill me, isn't it...
Jack leaned on his driver's side door. He felt like his own death had just walked right up to him, and for a few minutes, all he could do was stare down at his boots in the dirt while he finished his cigarette. He'd told Lureen that he wanted to be buried up on Brokeback but knew she didn't know where that was, or why it mattered. It was one of many secrets he'd stored up over the years. "She knows where I'm going," he used to tell himself in the early years, when his marriage still seemed like a living thing and the anticipation of another reunion with Ennis would light him up for weeks. And maybe she did. But they never talked about it, and whatever Lureen knew, she sure didn't want it in her face. As his belief that he'd eventually convince Ennis to start a life with him ground down, Jack had gotten in the habit of telling little lies to Lureen just because he could. That and the little stretches of freedom he'd carved out for himself around his day were what kept him going.
Two blackbirds took off noisily from the trees and brought him back to the moment. Shit, what if I don't wanna end up dead, he thought, at least not just yet anyway. Maybe I should just get the hell outta here... The thought made him crack a small, bitter smile, for he'd had it often enough in the rodeo days before Lureen, and acting on it had always been easy in Texas. But for a long time now, he'd assumed he'd never leave Childress without Ennis. What if it wasn't so? Jack had no idea what that looked like. The thought felt like stepping off the edge of the world, but wasn't he already done for?
I could just go back to that bar and let them kill me, Jack thought. But if I'm gonna die anyway, maybe I should just drive outta here first...
It was too hard a thought to contemplate for long, and Jack let it throw him. He headed back to the dealership and made some some calls -- and that evening, he helped Bobby with his homework and then had an extra whiskey or two in an effort to forget.
But change was on the way, because just two days later, Jack received a call from Fayette's younger brother. Joseph McAllister had gotten out of Texas early to serve in the Air Corps and then settled in Frederick, Colorado with his family. Marrying Fayette had helped LD to build his farm machine equipment business because it had been Fayette's father's business too, and part of showing his respects after the old man retired involved LD helping Joseph get established in a similar line of work up in Colorado, though Joseph favored reselling used equipment while LD pushed the new stuff as hard as possible. Jack was married to Lureen for several years before he realized that they rarely saw Joseph, even at family functions, because Fayette's brother just couldn't stand LD. It had put Jack and Lureen's uncle into an automatic accord despite their lack of familiarity.
Jack took the call in his little wood-paneled office off the showroom. He answered a few polite questions about Lureen and Bobby before Joseph got to his point. "I got buyers lined up for used equipment that's in decent shape, but Albert, my guy who drives around to check on what's worth buyin', told me last week that he's leavin' for Arizona, 'cause his wife thinks they have the right doctors for her there." Joseph wanted to know if Jack wanted the job, which would involve calls from an office plus stints of driving everywhere from Nebraska to New Mexico to assess equipment. Pay was base plus a commission. "I ain't gonna lie," Joseph concluded. "It ain't as glamorous as sellin' the new stuff and goin' to trade shows. But used equipment resells steady if it's in decent condition."
Jack told Lureen about her uncle's offer during a typical weeknight evening at home: Bobby was upstairs, ostensibly doing his homework after dinner, and she was looking over some product literature with a Movie of the Week playing half-watched in the background. Lureen's first thought was to wonder why her uncle would offer a job to her husband, her oldest if no longer her only combine salesman, of all people. She noticed that Jack wasn't holding his customary glass of whiskey but didn't know that he was delivering part of a long-rehearsed speech. She argued less than he'd anticipated, even when Jack admitted taking the job would involve a move to Colorado and hinted that they could let a separation bleed into a divorce. He wanted to see Bobby, who they both hoped would be going to college before long, and Lureen was agreeable to that too.
Every so often she'd look at him and catch a glimpse of the beautiful young man she'd fallen for under the softening muscles, the moustache and the new clothes. Sometimes he'd say something sharp or funny, and she could recall that exciting feeling from their early days, when Jack had seemed like a well-mannered handsome boy, but with an edge that meant she'd get to be bad with him. That had been thrilling. But more and more, he was silent and seemed intent on communing mostly with his whiskey. A few times, he'd shocked her by mentioning his own death, but she told herself they were far too young for that -- and besides, the older generation would go first anyway. That was sad enough, and it was a long way away. Lureen was interested in today, which meant building the business. Besides, making hard deals was easier and more satisfying than dealing with her inexplicably moody husband, even if she still craved his love on a certain level. It hadn't been pleasant to realize that he wanted sex even less than she did, but there it was. She didn't have time to think about what his moving away meant right now but she wasn't going to let it distract her.
"You sure this is what you wanna do?" Lureen asked as their talk wound down. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing," Jack admitted. "But I think I should go."
Jack had been avoiding Randall for the last little while but finally told him some of the truth when Randall stopped by the dealership, ostensibly to see if Jack wanted to head out for lunch. Jack caught Randall's eyes moving towards his office more than once, where they'd done the deed a few times when Lureen and new salesman Bob and secretary Linda were out, but Jack wasn't going down that road. They'd been out to the cabin at Lake Kemp exactly once since he'd returned from Wyoming, and Jack found it was all he could do to get through the sex. Randall had been a been a comfort to him at one time, but after that last argument with Ennis, whatever remained of the thrill of sneaking off had melted away like sand down a rabbit hole. Fucking Randall that last time had cranked up Jack's depression so acutely that he'd felt like a trapped animal, so urgently did he want out of there. He'd done the polite thing and gotten Randall off, but come up with an excuse for himself and found a reason to head back early.
Randall tried not to take the news of Jack's leaving too hard, or maybe he really didn't. "You gonna drop me a line, let me know where you end up?" he tried asking lightly when Jack talked of settling in Colorado, though he didn't yet know where -- Joseph had a few offices and he could probably land near any of them, plus there were the driving trips. Jack offered vague assent -- shit, Randall seemed to deserve a general attitude of friendliness from him, at least -- and wondered mildly if moving away would change his feelings any. He doubted it.
Telling Bobby was the last item on his mental checklist, and it sure went nothing like he expected. Jack had picked up his son from baseball practice and taken him to an early dinner at his favorite burger joint, and he tried to make everything sound as normal as possible as he described taking the job for Joseph in Colorado. He promised to have Bobby up during breaks from school, and that he'd be back down in Childress for some holidays too. Bobby just stared down at the truck floor while drinking his milkshake, to the point where Jack asked what was on his mind. "Promise you won't get mad?" Bobby asked at last.
"Yeah, I promise."
Bobby finally told him that Chris Gallagher, a mean-spirited blockhead of a kid with years of bullying behind him, had come after him last week and called his daddy queer, among other things. The kid was a cousin to the Crowes, one of whom had called Jack a name at Lucky's just recently, so Jack didn't wonder about the source of the insult. He put the matter of what it signified aside for now and asked if Bobby needed his help, but Bobby said no: his teammates would back him up, and most everyone thought of Gallagher as an inbred country idiot anyway. "It's okay, you know, if you're different," Bobby said then. He was looking away, but turned to look Jack straight in the eye with what he said next. "You're still my dad."
Jack just gaped as Bobby placidly moved on to the next item on his agenda: he wanted to study animal husbandry, maybe at Texas A&M like Mr. Malone (Bobby would be in charge of his dad's horses for now), and wanted Jack to weigh in with Lureen, who was pushing for Bobby to join her at the dealership while he "got his grades up" at the local community college. Aside from baseball, working with animals and on the personal computers that had recently made an appearance in the dealership office and the Twist study were the boy's two biggest passions, and Jack promised he would. He hugged his son tightly that night, and again when they said goodbye, as Bobby's practice started before his father was due to hit the road.
Jack had always thought it would be a great day when he drove off from Childress knowing he'd never live there again. It wasn't: a dingy summer squall was pissing down just enough rain to splatter dust everywhere, saying goodbye to Bobby left him feeling like he was making a terrible mistake even though thoughts of what the town's lesser citizens were saying about him had already burned a nagging little hole in his gut, and Lureen already seemed to be looking halfway through him. Jack had no idea where he'd end up -- not in Texas, at least, but the future was a blank. He knew now that things were never gonna magically be any different with Ennis, who'd surely be disgusted and fearful over this change -- for now, obviously, Jack must be going with other men.
Jack knew he was queer, and that Ennis hated it, and it all made him feel about as bad as he'd ever felt. Some clothing and cold weather gear and a few items for whatever bachelor quarters he landed in were loaded in the back of his truck. Thirty-nine years old and livin' outta his truck again, shit. He'd been telling himself that he'd be sticking close to the money in any case, but apparently he'd been wrong about that too. Jack hit the highway going north and looked forward to nothing. Only one thought gave him a tiny bit of comfort: at least he wasn’t leaving in a box.
tbc