(no subject)
i guess im not doing to well today.
i could be trying to do better. but im
just not cutting it i guess. i hate the
fact that everyone i know is having fun
and im all alone by myself in the middle
of fucking no where. i cant take it any
more. if i stay here any longer im going
to go crazy. im going to see if i can move
into a friends house or something. i cant
stay here. i need to be home. i dont feel
home any more. at all. i hate it so much.
WHY DO I HAVE THE BUTT END OF ALL OF LIFES SHIT!!!
im sorry for that. i dont really mean that.
im sure there are a lot worse situations,
however, those of you who know whats been
going on, know that my current is pretty
fucked up the asshole as if it were rape.
completely against my will, of course.
ive just gotta get everything off my mind.
i wish i could meditate, perhaps a few more
classes with that lady and ill be able to
do it by myself. god i hope so. ive been
so distressed lately. today my mom was really
wondering what was wrong with me lately. how
ive been so depressed looking and sad and
always staying at home and such. she knows
what happened of course but she doesnt
know that i hated my childhood. so i talked
to her about that. how i never had a father
figure around. she didnt understand at first.
i knew she wouldnt. its hard for anyone to
grasp a concept like that, and when you try
to explain it, the emotion is too painful
that they themself's cry from the thought of
something like that. such a thought can only
be handled day by day (for about 19 years id
say...) back to the story: she continued to
tell me that it was better that my father
wasnt around. THIS i know, however she wasnt
listening clearly i guess... or i wasnt really
explaining the best i could. she also went
along saying that i always had my grandfather
and my step father around. so i had to explain
that its not a father to be around that i wanted
its the father figure, the lessons, the time,
the everything that should be of a childhood.
i dont know what its like to change the oil
on a car with your dad for the first time. my
first flat tire was done by myself. i didnt
have my own personal baseball coach. hell i
barely played it. sure they got me the mitt,
the ball, and the bat, but whats the point
unless theres the time and the memory of having
a catch with dad. showing you that perfect pitch.
the way to really smack a baseball. instead i
had the pitch back... incase you dont know what
this 'pitch back' is, its a net streched by
poles and when you throw a ball at it... it
springs back. so yes my childhood was decent
enough to say that i got a house over my head,
cloths on my back, and food in my stomach, but
honestly... what the fuck is the point of life
if you have no fond memories of your childhood.
or any for that matter. some people say that ill
always have memories with the friends i grew up
with. i didnt really have that many friends till
around my senior year of highschool. i had only
one true friend, kelli (ps you are the greatest
friend anyone like me could ever ask for. youre
my bestfriend and i love you. {just in case you
read this}), up until then. i have wonderful
memories with her and her family whom i concider
to be my second family in some cases.
sad isnt it, all of the pain ive been feeling
because the male that made me, wasnt man enough
to show me what it is to be a man. when/if i
have children, im going to be there every step
of the way. i will make sure that they have the
life i was never given. and for lack of better
words. i will be a good father.
but rob you're only 19!
no shit. but i know what i want. i dont think im
ready to start a family. but i know i would love
to have my own some day. now all i have to do is
find someone who i can love for the rest of my life.
that shouldnt be so hard should it?
-nolan
i could be trying to do better. but im
just not cutting it i guess. i hate the
fact that everyone i know is having fun
and im all alone by myself in the middle
of fucking no where. i cant take it any
more. if i stay here any longer im going
to go crazy. im going to see if i can move
into a friends house or something. i cant
stay here. i need to be home. i dont feel
home any more. at all. i hate it so much.
WHY DO I HAVE THE BUTT END OF ALL OF LIFES SHIT!!!
im sorry for that. i dont really mean that.
im sure there are a lot worse situations,
however, those of you who know whats been
going on, know that my current is pretty
fucked up the asshole as if it were rape.
completely against my will, of course.
ive just gotta get everything off my mind.
i wish i could meditate, perhaps a few more
classes with that lady and ill be able to
do it by myself. god i hope so. ive been
so distressed lately. today my mom was really
wondering what was wrong with me lately. how
ive been so depressed looking and sad and
always staying at home and such. she knows
what happened of course but she doesnt
know that i hated my childhood. so i talked
to her about that. how i never had a father
figure around. she didnt understand at first.
i knew she wouldnt. its hard for anyone to
grasp a concept like that, and when you try
to explain it, the emotion is too painful
that they themself's cry from the thought of
something like that. such a thought can only
be handled day by day (for about 19 years id
say...) back to the story: she continued to
tell me that it was better that my father
wasnt around. THIS i know, however she wasnt
listening clearly i guess... or i wasnt really
explaining the best i could. she also went
along saying that i always had my grandfather
and my step father around. so i had to explain
that its not a father to be around that i wanted
its the father figure, the lessons, the time,
the everything that should be of a childhood.
i dont know what its like to change the oil
on a car with your dad for the first time. my
first flat tire was done by myself. i didnt
have my own personal baseball coach. hell i
barely played it. sure they got me the mitt,
the ball, and the bat, but whats the point
unless theres the time and the memory of having
a catch with dad. showing you that perfect pitch.
the way to really smack a baseball. instead i
had the pitch back... incase you dont know what
this 'pitch back' is, its a net streched by
poles and when you throw a ball at it... it
springs back. so yes my childhood was decent
enough to say that i got a house over my head,
cloths on my back, and food in my stomach, but
honestly... what the fuck is the point of life
if you have no fond memories of your childhood.
or any for that matter. some people say that ill
always have memories with the friends i grew up
with. i didnt really have that many friends till
around my senior year of highschool. i had only
one true friend, kelli (ps you are the greatest
friend anyone like me could ever ask for. youre
my bestfriend and i love you. {just in case you
read this}), up until then. i have wonderful
memories with her and her family whom i concider
to be my second family in some cases.
sad isnt it, all of the pain ive been feeling
because the male that made me, wasnt man enough
to show me what it is to be a man. when/if i
have children, im going to be there every step
of the way. i will make sure that they have the
life i was never given. and for lack of better
words. i will be a good father.
but rob you're only 19!
no shit. but i know what i want. i dont think im
ready to start a family. but i know i would love
to have my own some day. now all i have to do is
find someone who i can love for the rest of my life.
that shouldnt be so hard should it?
-nolan