(no subject)

[nyxt]

I am pathetic.  I really am.  Like almost everyone else, I want to leave home NOW.  Unfortunately, I can't.  Why?  Easy.  The disappointment coming at me like tidal waves from my father keeps me from doing what I REALLY DESPERATELY want to do.  That and I just had to know some people who are more than happy with being home and feel the need to question why I want to leave home.  Is it so damn bad to want to leave home?  Well, too fucking bad because I want fucking out fucking now.  I'm going stir crazy at home!  Obligated to spend time with the family, obligated to talk and listen to them, obligated to accompany them to all damned family events when all I'd rather do is just be holed up away from every damned person I possibly know and have time to myself!  The best times during the summer were when I holed myself up in the ex-music room with nothing but my laptop and a few books to keep me company.  There, I had a semblance of privacy.  No parents popping in and going "hi" or questioning my every goddamn move.  I hate it when people ask me what I'm doing when it's so blatantly obvious.  I absolutely loathe it when people feel they are more than goddamn welcome to glance at the laptop screen or peer over my should and generally invade my personal space with their definitely unwanted presence to find out exactly what I'm doing and then not comprehend my actions therefore leading them to ask me what I'm doing when my body language and everything else is screaming "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE".  Right now, I don't care if my home life is good or bad.  I just want OUT.  I can't even suggest moving in on the twelfth without feeling like I'm stabbing my parents through the heart with a fucking pitchfork, turning it, and then ripping it out through their backs and pretty much completely destroying their chests.  Instead, I'm just going to bring what I can, leave it there, then return and wait another week or so before I can finally escape from this hell hole I call home.  I'm just glad I'm not the only person who feels this way.  There's nothing for me here, after all.  "What about your friends?" Well, most of them are busy and now, a lot of them are gone.  Sadly, we're all incompetent decision makers who live in a small city that has very little to do so meeting up is rare and oftentimes kind of short because there really isn't anything to do or talk about.  Do we want to meet up?  Sure.  Do we summon enough energy or time to meet up?  Not always.  "What about your boyfriend?"  What about him?  We live too far away from another to make meeting up easy or even possible.  Neither one of us owns car and one of us (me) dislikes driving on the freeway and doesn't even know how to get any further than cupertino via freeway.  "What about your family?" Why, thank you person I want to kill in the most painful and lengthy way possible.  I've lived with them for a good 18+ years and will be seeing them for even longer.  I've served my time.  I'd like parole now, please.  All last year, I went home during breaks and when I didn't have to, so I could see my family and lessen the blow of me not being home.  I went home regardless of whether or not I wanted to.  Honestly, I would have been more than happy to not return home but I knew i was expected and that my friends wanted me to.  So, no choice.  Next year, I'm just hoping that I can find something that will keep me busy enough and tied to socal so I'm prevented from returning home because nobody is going to be there anyway.  All my closest friends either won't be going home or they'll be going on vacation.  So the only reason I have to even think about going home is gone, which leaves me nothing but the desire to not bloody go home.  Family is not a good enough reason so sorry, all you family-oriented people.  I'm not like you and if you can't understand or even imagine why I don't want to go home, do me a favor and keep your preaching to yourself.  Trust me when I say that others like me don't want to hear your goody-goody speeches.  Everyone else?  Too busy, too far, no plans, not here not there, not interested, god I wish I were anywhere but here.  I've heard enough "you hate your family" "you hate me" "so sorry I'm still here, you're just going to have to deal with it" "you're nothing but a nuisance" "you don't know anything because you're too young" "stupid girl" "damned girl" "you can do it" "you can't do it, you stupid girl!" "what the hell were you thinking?  do you not have a brain???" "how stupid can you get?" "focus on your studies so you can make a lot of money in the future" "the future is important" "there's nothing wrong with you!" "your friends are such bad influences" "your friends are bad people" "how did I ever raise someone like you" etc. to last me a lifetime.  Oh, wait, I'VE ALREADY HEARD THEM ALL FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE.  Seriously, new insults and arguments would be much appreciated - the old stuff is too predictable and boring.  I want out and I want out now but I feel as though I don't actually have a goddamn choice without casting myself as the "daughter who hates her parents and wishes they were dead but is unlucky because said parents are going to live for much much longer HA HA FUCKING HA".  I want to see people, dammit.  I just can't because of varying reasons, whether my own or theirs.  Life isn't fair, but that's common knowledge.  Just so I can keep on amusing myself with my own frustration and anger, I will be one of those people who don't do a thing to change their situation just so I can choose to rant about it and consequentially amuse myself by slamming everything I can think of.  Huh.  Looks like I won't be one of those people since I do have a reason for twiddling my thumbs.  Sweet.  Murphy's Law still isn't working for me.  Damn.

Okay.  I'm okay.  Done ranting.  =D

Check out the cute giant rubber ducky:




Canard de bain (Rubber Duck)
Artist: Florentijn Hofman
Year: 2007
Location: Loire River, France
Dimensions: 26 x 20 x 32 meters
Materials: Inflatable, rubber coated PVC, pontoon and generator